Chapter 22 #2
“Okay,” said Am, surprising herself.
They couldn’t do it here. Everyone was rushing through the halls.
But next period was math class, which was a dumb and boring class, so Am snuck off with Elaine to the bathroom, like old times.
It was way less cool than the maintenance tunnels or the trees or the nook at the top of the dome, and it smelled bad, but it was as much as Elaine deserved.
“Make it good, though,” said Am, crossing her arms.
“I’m sorry I called you a dyke,” said Elaine, all seven of the words coming out in a rush.
Am waited. “And?”
“I’m sorry I told everybody,” said Elaine, seeming to struggle to articulate it.
“I’m sorry I was a jerk about it. The thing is, I’d only just learned about dykes because of something my parents said, and as soon as I learned about it I thought of you and how you didn’t want to like boys or do girl stuff, and how you’re always hanging off of Kelli and making everybody do what she says even though no one likes her, and—it freaked me out.
I felt like I had to know. I felt like I had to, like, uncover the hidden threat in our midst, only that was stupid and I shouldn’t have tried to do it, and—and I think it only felt like a threat, in the first place, because . . .”
She swallowed hard, choking on the words. Am waited, skeptical, arms crossed.
“Because,” Elaine barreled on after gathering herself, “IthinkImightbeonetoo.”
Am blinked. She did not uncross her arms.
“No, you aren’t,” she said. “What about Lukas? What about the other five boys you’ve been dating?”
That wasn’t quite fair—as far as Am knew, it was only two or three boys.
A lot of girls their age weren’t dating yet, just sighing over boys in private.
The ones who did date—like Elaine—mostly weren’t very good at it.
They leapt impulsively into relationships that lasted a few weeks, or a few months if they were lucky.
Am worried sometimes that her relationship with Kelli would go like that.
It didn’t feel like it would; it felt like she’d known Kelli forever, and she always would.
But maybe she was wrong about that. Maybe one day, instead of being deeply in love, she and Kelli would have one of the stupid fights that broke up all the straight couples, and then Am would have no friends left at all, and everything would be terrible for the rest of her life.
“I don’t know,” said Elaine. She wrung her hands.
“I still like Lukas, probably. Although this season his character arc is stupid. And I thought I liked Jian and Ravinder and Oscar but dating boys is actually hard and it never feels right and they want you to do stuff that doesn’t feel right.
You try to explain to them how everything in your head hurts all the time but they just think you’re making excuses not to be a good girlfriend, and then you wonder why you bothered trying.
And then you start noticing girls, just on television.
Like Mariam, the new villain from Spirit Singer.
We were watching the episode and I was staring at her and thinking, wow, I’d like to kiss her, she’d literally murder me but it would be fun for two seconds and she’d still be better than Oscar.
And then Oscar noticed me staring and he said—” Her lip quivered.
Am watched in horrified fascination. There were actual tears in her eyes.
Elaine didn’t cry much—or, at least, she hadn’t when they’d been friends.
“Well, it doesn’t matter what he said, but I’m awful and a hypocrite and there’s something wrong with me.
Maybe I am a dyke. Maybe that explains everything.
Or maybe I like boys and girls both. Can you like both?
Maybe I just fooled myself into liking Mariam for two minutes so I could think about something that wasn’t Oscar.
Maybe I’d rather be a boy so I don’t have to deal with this shit.
Or maybe my brain’s so messed up I can’t think and nothing makes sense.
Nothing’s ever made sense, ever, in my life. ”
Am looked her up and down, skeptical, reluctant.
She knew she didn’t owe Elaine a thing. Girls like Elaine cried crocodile tears sometimes, just to get the effect they wanted.
But this didn’t feel like that. The tears looked real.
Nothing’s ever made sense, ever, in my life—deep down, wasn’t that how Am felt, too?
She’d always known Elaine harbored a secret sadness. One that she dressed up in villainous clothes so that at least it would look good. But this was the first time she’d heard Elaine say so out loud.
“Well,” she said gruffly, “yeah, you can like both. Or neither. Or you can be a dyke who got mixed up and dated boys by mistake. Or a boy, or some other random gender. Or your boyfriends might just all be shitheads, which it sounds like they are. Or it could be more than one of those things at once. Honestly, I don’t know what your deal is and after what you pulled, you couldn’t pay me to figure it out for you.
But those are all things that happen. To plenty of people. You’re not, like . . . making them up.”
Elaine wiped her face furiously. She did it with the back of her hand, even though they were right there in the bathroom with all of the paper towels. She was a mess. “How do you know?”
“That’s a secret. And I already know you can’t keep secrets.” Am looked at Elaine sidelong. She could already feel herself softening. “But I have my sources. And I can tell you some of what I’ve learned.”