Thirty-seven
Lily
“So, what’s going on?” Jake asks, eyeing Ethan and me skeptically.
Ollie sits between Jake and Maddy on the couch, while Ethan and I sit in front of them on the oversized plush ottoman. He holds my hand as I begin to speak.
“We came back from the doctor’s office and have some news.”
I pause and draw in a deep breath, struggling to find the words that will change my children’s lives forever.
Ethan squeezes my hand, giving me the strength I need to continue.
“They discovered that the chemo treatment wasn’t working, and that the cancer has spread to my lungs.”
Maddy blinks, once, twice, then tilts her head. “What does that mean? More chemo?”
I give her a sad smile. “No, sweet pea. No more treatments. I’m going to spend whatever days I have left getting as comfortable as possible and spending my time with all of you.”
“So, that’s it?” Jake explodes. “You’re giving up.”
“Jake,” Ethan warns.
Jake jerks his head to his father, his eyes blazing with anger. “Well, that’s what she’s saying, right?”
“No.” Maddy’s voice trembles. “You’re not going to die, right? You promised.”
Ollie looks up at me, eyes wide. “I don’t want you to die.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” I lean forward, and he lunges into my arms, holding onto my neck for dear life.
“I don’t want to go either, but—”
“Then fight!” Jake’s roar rips through the room, making us all flinch. He jumps to his feet. “Fight, damnit! If you love us, you won’t give up!”
“Jake, that’s enough!” Ethan barks.
“Please stop,” I demand softly, grasping onto Ethan’s arm, causing him to face me. “He’s hurting,” I remind him.
Jake’s chest heaves, and his lips quiver as he clutches his fists, trying to hold back tears.
I turn to my daughter and watch as Maddy convulses with each heartbroken sob.
“Sweet pea, come here,” Ethan says, but she shakes her head and lifts her legs onto the couch, tucking her knees against her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
“Your mother is very brave,” Ethan says. “We have to respect her wishes and be there for her. To support her.”
Jake glares at his father. “You hate Mom that much that you’re willing to let her die? I thought you loved her.” His voice is so eerily calm that it sends shivers down my spine.
“Jake,” I interject firmly, taken aback by his words.
Ethan recoils as if struck. “Of course I love your mother, and I don’t hate her, Jake,” he says. “But she is the one who is battling this disease. Please understand—”
“Fuck you!” Jake bellows, startling me, and pushes past us and stomps up the stairs.
Ethan’s face turns thunderous, and he quickly gets to his feet, but I stop him with my hand. “Not yet. Give—”
BAM!
The brutal slam of Jake’s bedroom door reverberates throughout the house.
“Give him a minute to process,” I finish.
Ethan looks down at me, and his face softens.
I turn to Maddy, and my heart breaks for my little girl. “Maddy. Can you please come here to me?”
She slowly lifts her head, her eyes red and puffy.
“Please?” I beg, tears forming in my eyes.
She unfolds herself and sits beside me.
“I—I don’t want you to—to die, Mom. Please don’t die,” she cries against my neck.
“Shh. It’s going to be okay,” I whisper.
But I know full well that it won’t be.
Ethan
Through the window, I watch Lily out on the hammock, tangled up with Ollie and Maddy. A soft smile eases onto my face just from seeing them all laughing, especially after Lily’s latest news.
But my smile vanishes when I picture the hammock empty, without my Sunshine.
My hand goes to my chest, rubbing at the dull ache already thrumming there.
It’s going to be agonizingly empty without her around.
God, I need to make these last memories the absolute best. Wipe away all those stupid arguments, those times we drifted apart, and all the darkness that seems to follow us even now.
I glance up at the clock above the window. Jake’s been holed up in his room for over an hour now. I turn on my heel, heading up to the second floor.
I reach Jake’s room, a song by Creed heard through the wood.
My knuckles rap against the door. “Jake?” I call out.
“Yeah?”
“Can I come in?”
There’s a pause before he replies. “Yeah.”
I twist the knob and push the door open. Jake is sitting on the bed, his back against the headboard.
“This sucks, Dad.”
A heavy sigh escapes me. “I know it does, Jake.”
“It’s not fair.”
“I get it.”
“I’m sorry for losing my cool earlier, for swearing. Dad, I didn’t mean—”
I raise my hand, stopping him. “I understand why you’re upset.”
He nods, swallowing hard. “How come you’re not upset?” he asks quietly.
I lock eyes with my son, grappling with how in the world I can help him through this. Will I be strong enough to play both parental roles? Especially since Lily has always been the emotional anchor?
“Dad?” His voice breaks through my spiraling thoughts.
“I am upset that your mother is suffering. I love her with every piece of me. But I have to stay strong for her, for you, Maddy, and Ollie.”
Jake leans back, staring blankly at the ceiling. After a moment, he murmurs, “We can be strong for you.”
That simple statement hits me like a punch to the gut.
I squeeze my eyes shut, bowing my head as tears spill down my cheeks.
I try to hide behind my hands, shielding my vulnerability, but it’s too late.
Suddenly, I feel Jake beside me as he wraps his arms around my shoulders. Without thinking, I pull him in close.
“I—I ca—can’t lo—lose her, Dad,” Jake chokes out, his words interrupted by a hiccup. His entire frame wracks with violent shivers, like an earthquake.
“I know,” I croak, the words tearing at my throat.
Neither can I. My fear is that the best part of me will die along with my Sunshine. Because I’m afraid I will not survive without her.