Forty-six
Ethan
Aknock at the door jolts me from my spiral of misery. My eyes, swollen and red from crying, dart toward the entrance as my father steps inside.
“Son, what’s wrong?” He glances at Lily, then back to me.
“Oh, God.” He sucks in a sharp breath. “Is she…”
“No,” I blurt out.
His shoulders visibly relax. “Is she okay?” he asks.
I rise unsteadily, my gaze drifting to Lily, peacefully sleeping yet looking so fragile, as if she could slip away at any moment. I press a tender kiss to her forehead, my voice barely a whisper. “I’ll be back, Sunshine.”
With heavy steps, I move toward my father as I struggle to catch my breath.
“Ethan, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” he presses, concern etched into his features.
“I can’t do this, Dad.”
He takes a cautious step closer. “Do what, son?”
I cast a glance toward the bedroom door where Lily lies. “I can’t lose her.” I gesture helplessly in her direction. “I can’t sit there and watch the final piece of her slip away.”
In an instant, the weight of it all bears down on me, and I crumble to the ground. My father is there, as if knowing I need him to catch me. The same way he did when I first told him about Lily’s pregnancy with Ollie.
He envelops me in his strong arms, holding me tightly. “It’s going to be okay, Ethan. You’ll get through this, I promise.”
I sob harder, clutching his shirt, seeking comfort. “It’s not fair, Dad.”
He sniffles. “I know, son. I know it’s not fair.”
He continues to hold me as I cry for the love of my life. We’ve finally been given a second chance, and now it feels like I’m losing her all over again. But this time, it’s a loss that will be eternally final.
“How long has she been asleep?” my mom asks, cradling her steaming cup of tea.
I clear my scratchy throat and respond, “A few hours.”
After my mini breakdown, I called Lily’s doctor. She came for a home visit and assessed Lily, ultimately suggesting it was time to start hospice. Something we have anticipated since that day when the news shattered our world, revealing that Lily’s time was limited.
Ollie refuses to leave Lily’s side. Meanwhile, Jake and Maddy are outside with Sam, doing their best to stay positive, but it’s clear they’re feeling the weight of needing to say their final goodbyes.
I rub my hands down my face in a futile attempt to shake off the exhaustion.
“You need to eat something, son,” Dad urges.
Before I can tell him that food is the last thing on my mind, footsteps come from down the hall.
I shoot up from the chair, my heart racing as the hospice nurse emerges, followed closely by Lily’s parents, their eyes red-rimmed and brimming with grief.
“What is it?” I manage, though the words scrape my throat. I swallow hard, but the lump in my throat only grows, pressing against every breath like it’s trying to choke me.
The nurse looks at me with a sad smile. “Lily is awake and is asking for you. She told me not to say anything because she wants to be the one to tell you.”
Tell me what?
I rush past her and run down the hall until I’m outside our bedroom door. I stop when I hear Lily’s sweet voice speaking to Ollie.
“Are you going away forever, Mama?” he asks, his voice trembling.
It takes a moment for her to respond, but when she does, I can hear the sound of heartbreak in her words, clear as day. “Physically, yes, I am, sweetheart. But I will always be in your heart.”
Ollie cries, and it shatters my heart. “I don’t want you to go.”
I peek through the cracked door to see Lily pulling Ollie into her arms, holding him close, and rocking him back and forth.
“I know you don’t, and I don’t want to leave. But until that happens, I’m still here, okay?” She pulls back to look into his tear-streaked face.
“Okay, mama.”
“We’re going to spend as much time as we can together to make the best of it. Would you like that?” she asks him, cupping his face.
He nods.
“Good,” she replies, and he throws his arms around her neck, crying softly.
I step back to give them a moment and slide down the wall, pulling my knees to my chest, feeling utterly helpless. I lean my head back, listening to her sing a lullaby. The same lullaby she sang to Jake and Maddy when they were little.
After a few moments, her voice fades, and I force myself to stand. I peek into the room again, and our eyes lock.
“Hey,” I whisper, stepping into the room.
“Hey. I felt you earlier,” she replies quietly, her fingers still caressing Ollie’s back, who has fallen into a peaceful sleep on her lap.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, taking a seat beside her on the bed.
Her lips curve upwards, but the smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m as good as I can be.”
I nod, accepting her response but not liking it much.
Silence stretches between us until she utters the words that pull the ground out from under me. “I think it’s time for me to say my goodbyes.”
My entire body tenses, and I shoot her a look of disbelief. “What are you talking about?”
She tilts her head, a sympathetic look in her eyes. “You know what I’m talking about, Ethan.”
“No.” I shake my head and turn away from her, hot tears stinging my eyes.
“Ethan.”
“I’m not ready, Lily.” I turn back to her. “Ollie’s not ready. None of us are.”
“No one is ever ready for this, Ethan, but it can’t be helped.”
I know she’s right, but I fucking hate it. I hate that she’s the one who’s been forced into this position, someone who is far too young to face death. She hasn’t lived her life. We haven’t lived our lives together.
God, I hate that I lost so much time with her. Four fucking years I can’t take back.
And now we won’t have our forever.