Chapter 23 #3
‘Will is a sweet guy and we liked him, and we could tell you did, too. But “liking” someone is different to being “head over heels in love” with them, isn’t it?’
Anneka’s question was rhetorical, but the answer screamed itself inside my head anyway: YES.
‘I can’t ever remember him making you laugh or doing anything romantic for you,’ Anneka continued. ‘To top it all off, his surname was Grewcock. Lucky escape, if you ask me.’ She finished her brutal dissection by pressing her palms together and bowing.
I threw a pillow at her, although I couldn’t deny she was right. ‘Neither of you thought I was “free” when I was with Will?’
‘That’s not up for us to decide, Flo,’ Mum answered. ‘Only you know how you felt when you and Will were together. And none of us really knows what freedom feels like until we get a taste of it.’
‘Yeah, like, for me, it’s feeling every muscle in my entire body work as one when I’m pole dancing,’ Anneka said, undulating wishfully. ‘What’s yours, Mum?’
‘Dirt under my fingernails as I’m pulling something up from the earth that I can later eat… after I’ve checked it’s not poisonous,’ she added, clocking my aghast expression.
‘How about you, Flo? When have you felt most free?’ Anneka asked.
My mind immediately flew back to that moment just days ago in the mosh pit. The music. The abandon. The connection – not just with Ethan, but with total strangers who were having the same euphoric experience. That had felt like freedom.
‘When I’m at a gig, being happy in the moment,’ I answered.
With Ethan.
My eyes began to burn with the threat of tears. ‘I… think I made a mistake leaving Ethan the way I did,’ I said, bowing my head so they couldn’t see the extent of my sadness. ‘He really wanted to come to the hospital with me, but I was too embarrassed.’
‘Embarrassed? Why?’ Anneka asked.
You should tell them.
‘He… thought I’d come to New York alone.’
‘I guess it’s an easy assumption to make?’ Anneka said, but I could tell that, deep down, she knew what I was going to say next.
‘It wasn’t an assumption. It was what I told him.’
‘Oh,’ Anneka said. ‘So when I called the wedding venue…?’
‘Yeah, that’s when he found out.’
‘You’re still ashamed of us, then,’ Mum stated.
‘No! I’ve never been ashamed of you. I was just so ashamed of myself when he found out I’d lied. I totally should have told him – and I was planning to. It’s just… a lot to explain to strangers isn’t it – us? Our family?’
‘What makes you think you owe anyone any explanations about anything?’ Mum asked, her voice getting louder and her face scrunching up in confusion. ‘We’re all here, we all exist, and that’s all that matters.’
I inhaled a lungful of air as Mum’s words diffused through my mind. She was right, of course. I’d never been ashamed of my family, but I had been hung up on its unique… structure for far too long. As I breathed out, I allowed this much more straightforward world view take hold.
‘Thank you, Mum,’ I said, squeezing one of her hands. She didn’t move it.
‘Whatever for?’ she asked.
‘For being unashamedly you, as well. I learned from the best.’
‘It’s the only way I know how to live, Flo. Always has been, always will be.’
I was beginning to see that me, Mum and Anneka had way more in common than I had ever dared to realise.
Perhaps the main thing we didn’t have in common was that I’d never learned to accept them for exactly who they were in the same way they’d unconditionally accepted – and loved – me, from the very moment I was born.
‘So how did you leave it with him before you came to the hospital?’ Anneka asked, bringing me back to the room.
‘I told him not to contact me again.’
‘Jeez, Flora, you don’t half make things complicated! First you tie yourself up in knots by inventing a story about travelling to New York alone—’
‘There wasn’t any point in telling him to begin with – I didn’t even think I’d see him again—’
‘Shh, Flora! But you did see him again. And you want to stay in touch with him, right?’ Anneka gently tipped my chin up with her long fingers and stared into my eyes.
I nodded as more tears escaped. ‘I feel… free with him, Anneka. I can’t remember the last time I had so much spontaneous fun. Well, apart from with you guys, this week.’
‘Oh, Flora, come here.’ Anneka pulled me towards her for a hug and, after a few seconds, Mum joined us, too, pulling the covers back over us.
This was the most physical contact the three of us had had together for as long as I could remember.
As we clutched each other, I thought more about what they’d said about freedom.
I was fast coming to understand that feeling free with someone was a two-way street, and the reason I’d never felt fully myself around Mum and Anneka was because neither of them had ever opened up to me in return.
I hoped tonight’s conversation would be the first of many – it felt like it might be, especially since Mum had instigated it.
But my thoughts about the future of my freaky little family – and our rare moment of affection – were quickly interrupted by a firm knock on the door.