CHAPTER NINE
Kayla
The island comes into view, and Ares crosses the bridge as I keep my arms fixed tight around him. I try not to focus on the fact that the cops know Aaron is missing, but it sits heavy in my chest like a cement block.
Ares asked me to trust him, and I really have no other choice right now. His words ring through my head: “You know nothing.”
I know nothing.
Ares pulls up outside the house and cuts the engine. I slide off the bike and hand him the helmet. He stows it, then removes his own, his brows furrowing as he studies my face.
“You’re okay?”
“I’m okay,” I confirm, and I believe it . . . mostly.
He nods, then wheels his bike around the side of the house.
I stand there for a second and breathe—in through my nose and out through my mouth.
The air smells like water and grass, nothing like the damp dirt of the cemetery.
I have been memorizing smells since that day; it started without me even realizing it.
From the burning metal and oil in Cipher’s shed, and Clay because he always smells fantastic, to the smell of the sea.
Anything but dirt.
I walk around to the back of the house instead of going through the front door, needing to get more fresh air before I spiral.
When I reach the back porch, I find Vero sitting on the top step with his knees up, picking at the hem of Brawley’s hoodie.
He hasn’t heard me approaching and has his head tipped back, peering at the sky.
I haven’t seen him this calm; he usually radiates chaos.
As I sit down beside him, he doesn’t startle, simply looks over at me.
“Paper-cut princess,” he greets, his voice hoarser than usual.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“My brain has gone quiet but won’t switch off. Brawley calls it the in-between.” He picks at the loose thread on the hoodie. “I don’t like the in-between. There is too much room.”
I know what he means; I have my own version. Mine shows up at three in the morning, when everything I have been holding in during the day catches up to me, and it sits on my chest.
“Do you want to talk, or do you want company?”
“Both,” he replies. “Is that greedy?”
I reach out and touch his arm. “No.”
Vero is quiet for a moment, and everything else is background noise—the sound of Brawley inside, a television on inside the house.
“Can I ask you something?” he finally says.
“You can always ask me anything.”
He shifts to face me, his smile a shell of what it normally is. “What was it like in the coffin?”
I freeze; nobody has asked me that directly. Clay came closest when he made me cry; he gave me permission to fall apart but didn’t ask me to walk him through the trauma.
I glare at my hands in my lap. “Dark and claustrophobic. Smaller than you would think it would be, which sounds stupid. Obviously a coffin is small, but nothing prepares you for what that really means until you’re inside it .
. . I could feel the wood pressing on both of my arms, and I couldn’t turn my head.
I kept thinking . . .” I stop, needing to breathe.
“What?” he pushes.
“I kept thinking that if no one came, the last thing I would have done was get lunch.” I laugh, edged in hysteria. “That felt so stupid. That the last thing I would have done is argue with myself about whether to pack you sugar or listen to Brawley.”
I glance at him, and his jaw is tight. “I’m sorry, I should have been there,” he murmurs.
“You couldn’t have known what was going to happen. I didn’t tell you about Aaron.”
“Still,” he says, staring into my eyes, his own glassy. “I should have gone with you.”
“Nobody could have known. Aaron was planning this since he was released from prison. It’s no one’s fault but his.”
Vero holds my gaze, and I can see him considering what I said. “I know that logically, but that voice in the back of my mind tells me otherwise.”
“That voice is wrong.”
He nods. “I would have burned the whole island down to find you.”
That I believe. It’s terrifying but very on brand for Vero. He is one hundred percent loyal and won’t let anyone mess with those he loves.
“Can I tell you something?” I , and he nods.
“I had a panic attack in the shed when I smelled the blood. I couldn’t breathe.
” Looking down, I pick at my thumbnail. “I had them more often around the time I left him. Aaron had trained me out of them while we were together, which sounds like a good thing, but it wasn’t.
He just made me afraid to have them in front of him, so I got very good at suppressing them until I was alone. ”
Vero takes my hand in his and intertwines our fingers.
I let out a shaky breath and continue. “In the shed, Cipher simply said it like it was normal, and I wasn’t made to feel stupid. Clay was just there, and you asked and didn’t just touch me.”
“I always want to touch you, but you said once that touching you without asking is taking something from you. I think about that a lot.”
“I will always want you to touch me.”
We sit together for a while, and Brawley laughing at the television pulls us from the silence.
“He missed you when you were gone,” I whisper.
“And I feel bad about that, but in the moment I don’t think clearly.
” I squeeze his hand and he squeezes back.
“While I didn’t mean to scare him, in my head I was trying to fix things.
I thought if I dealt with it, if I could just .
. .” He pauses and thinks about what he wants to say next.
“I wanted to make it right for you. Then I had this idea that I could make you feel better by knowing how many paper cuts it takes to kill a man. But I lost count. The human body is pretty big and paper cuts are small.” Vero sighs.
“I wanted to make it even with what he did to you.”
“Did it?”
He shrugs. “It turns out what I was most angry about isn’t something you can solve with paper cuts. Now I can see that what I did will never erase what he did. I can’t undo his actions.”
“You can’t,” I agree.
“Does that make you sad?” he asks, and I think about it.
“Some parts make me sad, but not like they used to. It used to feel like grief, because along the way I’d lost parts of myself. But now it’s different; it’s almost a relief that it’s over. Really, finally over.”
“Does it make me a bad person that I’m glad your past led you to me?”
“No, because I’m grateful my life led me here. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah, it takes a while for my brain to fully finish its tantrum, then I will be as good as new. Brawley has been watching me like a hawk, and I will need you to sneak me some sugar, but I’ll be fine. I’m more concerned if you are going to be okay. What you went through was a lot for one person.”
“I will be, plus now I have you by my side.”
The back door opens, and Brawley fills the doorway. He looks down at the two of us, and his shoulders relax.
“I made a snack, inside with both of you,” he says and walks back inside.
Vero stands and pulls me up with him, holding the door for me.
We find Brawley in the living room, waiting with a tray of cheese and crackers.
I find it amusing that this huge-ass man has made us a morning snack.
There are also grapes and a few other treats for Vero that are not sour gummy worms but should satisfy his sugar cravings.
Vero pockets three packets of something, and Brawley holds out his hand patiently. “One of those was for Kayla.”
“They all had my name on them.”
Brawley narrows his eyes, and they stare at each other until Vero hands over two packets. I sit on the floor beside the coffee table and take a cracker, while Brawley hands Vero a bottle of water. Watching them together makes my heart happy—I don’t think they realize how in sync they are.
“Where’s Ares?” I ask, as the last time I saw him he was putting his bike away.
“He went into the bar. He has a few things to do before tonight.”
“And Clay?”
“Doing his security checks of the island. He will be back later.”
I nod and take a grape. Vero sits across from me, eating his snack straight from the bag like a drug addict craving their next fix.
“Stop staring at me,” he says without looking up.
“I’m not.”
“You’re memorizing me.”
I snort, but he isn’t completely wrong. I enjoy looking at him and capturing the memories of good times. It was something I started doing when I was with Aaron because the good times were so good, but the bad times were worse.
Brawley puts his phone face down on the coffee table. “How did it go with Rogue?”
“Better than I expected. She knew it was coming and threatened Ares to treat me well, so I call that a win.”
I don’t bring up the cops poking around, as I figure that’s a conversation we need to have when everyone is here.
“And you’re certain? I know this is a big step for you.”
My heart melts. From the outside looking in, these men don’t come across as the types to care as much as they do. Yet each one has made sure I’m okay each step of the way, reinforcing my decision.
“Better than I thought I would be. I keep waiting for it all to catch up to me, and it almost did earlier, but Ares was there to help. I know everything will be okay.”
“That’s how this works. We will always be there for you. We may have red flags waving in every direction between us, and I can’t promise it will always be easy, but the one thing I can promise is that we will have your back.”
“Or we’ll come on it.” Vero snickers at his own joke, but Brawley and I ignore him.
“That is surprisingly comforting coming from you.”
The corner of his mouth curves up into a half-smile. “What can I say? I’m complicated.”
Vero stands and stretches his arms above his head. “I’m going to have a nap. Come wake me up later?” He winks as he says later, and I nod, knowing what he means. After a brief pause to touch the top of my head, he disappears out of the living room.
“He’s doing better,” I say.
Brawley nods. “He seems to be. I think this time he is more concerned about you than himself, so he is bouncing back a bit better even though this one lasted longer. I heard what he said out there about Aaron.”
“He was trying to fix something, but it couldn’t be solved that way.”
“He always knows afterward, and that’s the part he hates.”
“I think I might make sure he is actually in bed and hasn’t gotten distracted.”
Brawley nods. “I’m glad you came back.”
“Me too.”
When I get upstairs, I see Vero tucked up, cocooned in his blanket, so I sit on the edge of the bed.
He asks me to tell him something good, so I share with him the time I was fifteen and snuck a dog into my house.
I wanted a pet so badly, but I hadn’t thought it through.
My mom is allergic to pet hair and started sneezing.
She blamed my father until they found out there was a dog in my room.
Vero falls asleep quickly, and once he is out, I leave to let him rest. Instead of going back downstairs, I slip into my room and lie on the bed. I stare at the ceiling fan and wait for the anxiety to come at knowing the police are looking for Aaron and having to face what Brawley and Clay did.
Yet nothing comes. I actually believe Ares when he says he will handle it.
What hits me is an overwhelming sense of peace at knowing Aaron will never hurt me again.
That I have these men at my back no matter what I do, even if they don’t agree with me.
I never have to worry about looking over my shoulder or change who I am.
It is something I never thought I would have in a relationship with one man, let alone four.
I don’t know what I did to deserve them, but I don’t plan on ever letting them go.
I laugh quietly. Maybe I am just as crazy as they are.