Chapter 20
Watching Shayna walk around the gardens is like witnessing a kid meet their favorite characters at Disney World. She said that she’s been here a dozen times, but you wouldn’t know it from her starry-eyed wonder.
“Aren’t these Helmer Triumph Tulips stunning?” Shayna gestures to the flowers in front of us.
“They’re really bright,” I say, looking at the yellow petals with a dark red pattern. “The red on them almost looks like flames.”
She turns and smiles at me. “I was hoping you’d notice that.”
“What do you see when you look at them?” I ask.
Shayna clasps her hands in front of her and analyzes them. “They remind me of a canvas painted with rich strokes of yellow and maroon. Just looking at it brings me joy, which is no surprise since yellow tulips represent happiness and hope in flower language.”
“That’s where each kind or color of flower can express a different sentiment, right?”
“Exactly.” She beams at me.
I move down to the next flower. The sign reads: Red Double Tulips. “What about these?”
“I work with tulips a lot. They’re a popular cut flower.” I raise a brow, and she laughs before offering me further explanation. “They’re long-lasting blooms that can be cut and placed in vases.” She points to the tulips. “These ones can typically last about a week once they’re cut.”
My shoulders tense as I slide my hands into my pockets. I’m stupid for not realizing that cut flowers were literally just that. “I should’ve put the context clues together from the name.”
Shayna loops her hand through my arm. “Not at all. You’re not expected to know terms in the flower world, just like I would have no clue what half the words y’all use around the station mean.”
The tension drains from my body. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make me feel so at ease.”
She squeezes my arm. “I was just speaking the truth.”
I clear my throat and try to change the conversation. “Do red tulips mean something different than the yellow ones?”
Shayna blushes.
Crap. Do they mean something bad like violence and bloodshed?
“They represent deep, long-lasting love.”
Oh.
We both stare at the tulips for a few minutes in silence. Naturally, I’d be the reason our conversation was brought to a halt.
Shayna opens her mouth, then shuts it before finally saying, “Can I ask you something?”
“I’m an open book,” I deadpan.
“Obviously…not.” She laughs before leading me back to a bench. With her hand still looped through my arm, we end up sitting close enough that our thighs touch. I crane my neck to look down at her.
“Okay, so I know you mentioned you don’t plan on getting married.”
I gulp. Not sure I like where this is going.
“Is there a reason why?” She lets go of my arm and places her hands in her lap. “I mean, how do you know that’s not what you want if you’ve never been in love before?”
I swallow hard. I hate talking about my feelings. Guess I expected to have this conversation at some point in my life. I just didn’t know today was going to be that day. But I suppose if there’s a good person to share everything with, it’s Shayna.
“I thought I was in love once,” I say.
She bites her bottom lip. “Who was she?”
“Her name was Jillian.”
Shayna gasps and clutches my arm. “She died?”
I shake my head. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right.”
“Oh, good.” She gives my arm one more squeeze before letting go. “No need to apologize. You don’t have to tell the story perfectly. Just talk to me.”
She makes it sound so easy. Talking. Sharing about emotions and feelings that make me queasy. But it’s like she said, all I have to do is put one word in front of the other.
There’s only one place to start the story, so I take a deep breath and begin.
“I met her when I was twenty-two. I had been living in Seattle for four years, and everything was going great. I was happy at the station, and that was around the time that I started my woodworking hobby. So, I spent my days off working on projects or fishing. It was a good life. A solid routine.” My chest aches as I think back to when I first met Jillian.
“On one of my days off, I went to the gym. Jillian approached me and complimented my form while I was lifting weights.” I run a hand through my hair.
“No one had ever been that forward with me before. She kept talking to me while I was working out and gave me her number before I left.”
“You didn’t call her, did you?” Shayna tilts her head. I guess she knows me better than I thought.
“No. And she made sure to tell me exactly how that made her feel when she saw me at the gym again later that week.”
She raises a brow. “Sounds like the kind of woman who knows what she wants and goes for it.”
“She was.” I let out a slow breath as I recall the events leading up to our first date.
“Jillian told me we should grab smoothies and didn’t let me take no for an answer.
She carried the conversation, and I learned a lot about her.
She had just graduated college and was starting her first job with a business firm in downtown Seattle, so she was still settling in.
And she loved the fact that I was a firefighter. ”
“I mean, who doesn’t?” Shayna laughs, but the sound doesn’t carry its usual brightness. “How long did you date for?”
I narrow my eyes, trying to think back. “Eight months. I saw her about once a week, aside from the days I saw her at the gym. She would usually come to my house and we’d order takeout.
She’d sit with me while I fished, or we’d watch a movie.
” I shrug. “I thought things were going well. She was smart and ambitious. Didn’t require much of me. It was easy to fall for her.”
“What went wrong?” Shayna asks.
“Turns out, while I was considering a future with her, Jillian was starting to resent me.” I sigh.
Shayna squeezes my knee, giving me the quiet strength I need to continue.
“One time when she was over, I asked if she wanted to order pizza or Chinese, and she just snapped. She said a lot of awful things.” I grind my teeth, hearing them again in my mind. “Words that have stuck with me.”
“I’m here if you want to tell me. And it’s okay if you don’t want to share.”
Embarrassment settles deep in my gut at the thought of telling her everything Jillian said. But this is Shayna. If I can tell one person everything without fear of judgment, it’s her. Besides, it might be cathartic to let out the words I’ve kept buried inside for the past five years.
I close my eyes and blow out a long breath.
“Jillian complained that I never took her out on real dates. She said I was the most boring person she’d ever met because all we did was stay around my house.
She told me you can’t call something a conversation when only one person is talking, and that she was exhausted from always having to think of things to say.
She said I spent more time in my workshop than with her, making stupid stuff that wasn’t doing anything but collecting dust. She was also mad that she had to initiate everything. ” I press my lips into a thin line.
Shayna looks the closest to fuming I’ve ever seen her. “Did she ever hint at any of this before?”
“No. It came out of nowhere.”
She grimaces. “Then it sounds like you did the best you could with the information you had. You can’t be expected to read your partner’s mind.”
I hang my head, and Shayna reaches over and grabs my hand. I tilt my head to look at her and see tears forming in her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“You don’t believe everything she said, do you?” Her lips tremble.
I squeeze her hand before interlocking our fingers. I’m surprised by the way it immediately grounds me. Physical touch has been something I avoid as much as possible, but with Shayna, it seems like it’s just another reminder that I’m safe with her.
“How could I not?” I shake my head. “It’s why I never plan on dating again.
Women obviously need a man more outgoing than me.
Someone who can carry their own in a conversation.
” I look back at the plant, unable to bear seeing Shayna’s expression as I say, “How could I trap someone in a future with me when I know I’ll never be enough? ”
Shayna turns on the bench, her knee pressing against my thigh. She takes my face in both her hands and stares deep into my eyes, making me feel everything I’ve tried to hold in. I take a deep breath, trying to rid my body of all the pesky emotions. “Listen to me, Con. You are more than enough.”
Her words cut right to my core. I want to believe her, but it’s hard to rid my mind of the lies I’ve accepted as truth for the past five years.
“Who cares what Jillian-Schmillian said. We always have room for growth, but you can’t take all the harsh words of someone who obviously wasn’t right for you to heart.
” She lowers her hands from my face and takes mine in hers.
“She sounds emotionally immature. Like someone who had this idea of you in her mind as this buff, young firefighter when she met you at the gym, and never took the time to get to know the real you. It’s not your fault that she wasn’t mature enough to end things or share how she was feeling throughout the relationship, allowing this resentment to build that was all based on some false reality.
” She rubs her thumb along the back of my hand.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. It doesn’t make you boring to have hobbies that are usually done alone.
And if she couldn’t appreciate how introverted you are, then she didn’t deserve to see how great of a conversationalist you can be when you feel comfortable.
” She gestures between us. “I mean, look at us having a genuine, deep conversation. The right person will appreciate you for who you are. They won’t want to change you into this extroverted person that takes them out all the time.
They’ll enjoy the balance you bring to their world and love all your qualities because each one is what makes you the Connor they know and love. ”
“Even if I started to look past everything Jillian said, I’m not sure a person like you described exists,” I say.
Shayna’s eyes are clear now as she smiles. “She does.” The words come out soft but with a gentle strength behind them, like she has enough belief for both of us.
I move my gaze to my lap and clear my throat. “I think it’ll take some time to retrain my brain—to believe that I’m enough.”
“That’s okay. There’s not a specific timeline for healing.
And if the right person happens to walk into your life, maybe that will be healing for you, too.
Having a healthy relationship with someone who doesn’t want to change a single thing about you.
” She knocks her knee against my leg. “Even when your beard gets so long you start looking like a caveman.”
I let out a small self-deprecating chuckle and untangle my hand from hers. “I might have let myself go a little bit after the breakup when my confidence was at an all-time low.”
She shoots me a look. “It’s been five years, Con.”
I hold my hands up in innocence. “Hey, at least I got a haircut when I moved back.”
“See?” Shayna lightly pushes my arm. “You’re growing already. Now we just have to keep working on that confidence.”
“Thank you,” I say—and I truly mean it. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever be willing to talk about Jillian. But I’m glad it was with you.”
She smiles at me. “Me, too.” A small furrow appears between her eyebrows. “Wait, no one else knows about her? Not even your family?”
I shake my head. “I was waiting to tell my parents. You know my mom would’ve freaked out and caught the first flight to Seattle if I told her.
” I lean back and stretch, stiff from sitting too long on the wooden bench.
“Mallory kept pestering me for details about my life when I was out there, so I finally told her I was casually seeing someone. She doesn’t know the details, though, just that things ended badly and I wasn’t interested in dating anymore. ”
“If my opinion counts for anything, I think you should tell them. I’m sure they’d want to be there for you, too.
” Shayna smooths her hands along her dress.
“And if the adjectives your mom and sister sent to me when we were filling out your questionnaire are any indication, I’m sure they will tell you the same things I did and remind you of the truth—of who you actually are. ”
The thought of opening up again to anyone else anytime soon has me feeling like I’m about to break out in hives. “I’ll think about it.”
She stands and turns back to me. “You ready to keep moving?”
I push up from the bench. “Lead the way.”
She walks for a little bit before coming to a stop in front of the evening primroses.
Shayna beams as she turns to me. “These open in the late afternoon and close by morning. Isn’t that cool?
We only get to see their beauty for such a short amount of time that it makes seeing it in bloom feel like a little piece of magic.
” She steps closer and sniffs them, closes her eyes, and wears a soft smile on her lips, the perfect picture of peace.
My heart skitters in my chest. I close my eyes, and when I open them again, it’s as if I can’t help but see Shayna in a new light.
She’s beautiful. More than all the flowers around us.
More than any other woman I’ve ever seen.
And it’s not just because of her outward appearance—although there’s no denying that—but who she is as a person.
Caring. Empathetic. Considerate. The kind of woman who would sit on a bench and listen to a man’s sordid romantic history on a date she paid a grand for.
Someone who truly listens and offers sympathy while reminding you who you truly are.
I barely talk as we walk through the rest of the gardens. I listen to her point out all her favorite flowers and share what they represent. But I don’t think she minds being the one to carry the conversation, and I genuinely enjoy listening to her talk about her passion.
I’m not sure there’s anyone else like her. Someone who fully sees me for who I am and doesn’t run. She actually seems to like me even more for it.
As we make our way back to my truck, I decide to test something out to see if touching her gives me the same kind of safe reaction when I held her hand or if it makes me bristle.
I brush my pinky against hers. My stomach fills with a fluttery feeling, and my hand begins to tingle with this warm sensation. I suck in a breath, suddenly feeling like I’m in a sauna as I’m hit with a realization.
I’m attracted to Shayna.