Chapter 25
The annual spring barbecue that my parents throw is probably the only event I don’t mind attending and maybe even look forward to.
I get to be outside with good food and lots of room to distance myself whenever I feel peopled out.
As far as events go, it’s a much more ideal situation than being crammed in a small house with a bunch of nosy people asking invasive questions or talking my ear off for hours straight without any avenues of escape.
But this afternoon, my stomach is in knots as Shayna walks into my parents’ backyard wearing a floral dress that hits her mid-calf, as well as her usual headband.
I flirted with her this morning. Well, I attempted to.
I’m not sure if I’m any good at it, but I had to say something because seeing her sitting at my game in my hoodie shifted something inside of me.
It had me swinging for the fences with all my strength, wanting to impress her.
A deep-seated desire to spend more time with her has been present ever since our time in the gardens, and seeing her at my game today only solidified that feeling.
But now that she’s finally here, the nerves are hitting me full force.
Shayna hugs my mom and laughs at something she says.
I don’t know how I haven’t noticed it before, the way she seamlessly fits into my family, but I see it now.
I see her now. The way her whole face lights up is a beacon pulling me into the light and out of my world of gray.
I’d have to be blind not to notice how beautiful she is, but she’s more than that.
She’s radiant and magnetic, pulling everyone around her into her orbit.
I’m just the guy who’s lucky enough to witness it.
Shayna looks my way and shoots me a soft smile. She says something to my mother, then makes her way toward me.
“I’m happy you’re here,” I say when she reaches me. I ball my hands into fists at my side. That was a stupid thing to say when she’s been coming to my parents’ barbecues since she was in middle school.
“I wouldn’t miss it. This is the perfect kickoff to my favorite time of year.” She closes her eyes and takes a long breath in. “Do you smell it?”
I take a little whiff. “The burgers and hot dogs on the grill?”
She laughs. “Smell beyond the food.”
I close my eyes like her and take a minute to breathe in, trying to let everything else fade away and let my senses take over. That’s when it hits me. The smell of fresh air. The faint scent of flowers beginning to bloom. “It smells like spring.”
“Isn’t it perfect?” She gestures to the trees at the back of my parents’ property. “And look at all the beautiful shades of green that are budding on the trees and sprouting up from the earth.” She sighs. “You know why spring is the best season of all, aside from that?”
I shake my head and wait for her to continue.
“It’s a reminder that even after the harshest seasons in our lives, something new and beautiful can come from it. That nothing is beyond restoration.”
I catch the hidden meaning behind her words. That my fears aren’t beyond repair. That I can grow and move past the lies into a better future. With her.
“You’re brilliant, you know that? You have this eloquent way of saying things.” I shake my head. “I could never sound like that, but you—” I stare at her, wondering how someone so gorgeous and brilliant is still single. “You’re amazing.”
Shayna blushes. “I’m just stating the truth.”
“So was I.”
She slips her arms around my waist and leans her head against my chest. I melt into her touch, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and pressing my cheek to the top of her head. I breathe in her floral perfume and the clean smell of her shampoo, and all my nerves fade away.
When she pulls back and looks up at me with a shy grin, I have the crazy urge to kiss her. But I wouldn’t do that here. If I’m going to kiss her, I’m going to do it right—and I can’t do that in my parents’ backyard.
“Hi,” she whispers.
“Hi.”
“I don’t know if I said it earlier, but you were amazing at your game.”
“Like I said, it’s because I had my lucky charm there.” I shoot her a teasing smile. “Speaking of, where is my sweatshirt? I distinctly remember you telling me you were going to return it.”
She pops her lips. “You know, I don’t remember any such thing.”
“I guess you’ll just have to keep it. It seems to bring the most luck when you’re the one wearing it.”
Shayna peers up at me like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. “Who are you and what have you done with Connor Porter?”
I rub the back of my neck and don’t miss the way her eyes move to my arms. “You’re the one who’s openly ogling me.”
Her blush deepens as her eyes dart back to mine. “Who uses that word?”
“People who are being ogled.”
She shakes her head. “Is that the way you were looking at me when I wore your sweatshirt earlier?”
There’s no use denying it when we both know it’s the truth. I shrug. “It takes an ogler to know an ogler.”
Shayna laughs. “Okay, now I know you’re an imposter.”
“You have yourself to thank for that.”
“Me?” She holds a hand to her chest.
“You’re the one who insisted on helping me build my confidence.”
“And you’re using that confidence to…” She trails off, leaving me to fill in the blank. I can see the questions swirling in her eyes, and I don’t blame her. It’s not as if I have a history of flirting with her.
“Talk to you,” I tease.
She quirks an eyebrow. “Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?”
“Dinner’s ready, everyone,” my dad calls out from the patio, my mother at his side.
Shayna stares at me like she’s waiting to see if I’m going to answer.
Before I have a chance to respond, Shayna lightly kicks at the grass. “I’d better make my plate before all the macaroni salad is gone.”
My mom’s macaroni salad is delicious, but the bowl is never empty. It’s as if the noodles multiply after every scoop.
I should say something—anything. Tell her I’m freaking out. Tell her I was flirting but still need time to fully open up.
But I don’t.
I dip my head, and Shayna looks at me for another long moment before turning and walking to the patio.
I hate that it’s so hard for me to confidently go after what I want.
I wish I could shake some sense into myself and be what she needs, but I think I need to figure this out on my own before fully letting Shayna in.
She deserves the best version of me, not scraps.
Kelsey’s boyfriend, Tyler, walks up to me and claps me on the shoulder. “Sorry I missed your game this morning, man. I already had tickets to take my niece to see Disney on Ice.”
“Sounds fun.”
“There were thousands of screaming kids. You’d have loved it.”
I grimace. I don’t know how he survived that or how my sister does it every day as a teacher. They’ve got more patience than me. I look over and find Tyler smirking. He’s messing with me.
“Anyway.” Tyler inclines his head toward where Shayna, Kelsey, Mallory, Tess, Alyssa, and little Evie are piling their plates. “Is something going on between you and Shayna?”
I sputter and choke on my saliva. Tyler claps my back as I break into a coughing fit. I hold up a hand to show him I’m fine, but I still can’t talk while my windpipe rebels. When the coughing has finally subsided, I clear my throat.
“Sorry about that,” he says. “I didn’t know Shayna was such a touchy subject.”
“It’s not. We’re…” I trail off, unsure how to describe what exactly we are.
“I won’t tell Kelsey, you know. Bro code.”
I blow out a long breath. “Nothing’s really happened yet, but…” It seems I’m incapable of finishing my sentences now.
“You want it to?” Tyler suggests.
I shove my hands in my jeans pockets and nod.
“Can I offer you a piece of advice?”
“Go for it.”
Tyler crosses his arms and keeps his eyes on Kelsey as he says, “There will be a time when a woman walks into your life that you can’t stop thinking about.
Maybe she drives you crazy, or maybe she flips your entire world upside down until you’re questioning everything you ever thought you wanted.
But, regardless, you can’t get her out of your head.
You’ll be at work, minding your own business, and you’ll see or hear something that reminds you of her.
That revelation will knock you off your feet, but that’s when it’s important to lean in.
Don’t let the what-ifs or worries hold you back.
Pursue her.” My eyes drift to Shayna. He grabs my shoulder and squeezes.
“Don’t let the opportunity slip through your fingers. It won’t be there forever, man.”
I know he said not to, but I can’t help but think about all my fears.
Shayna is practically perfect, but me? I’m still figuring out what it would mean for me to be in a relationship again.
My inner critic still insists I’m not what she needs.
I’m like a rocky soil in comparison to her bright, beautiful flower.
I won’t help her bloom; I’ll only make her colors dull until she wilts.
The hurt, guarded part of me says that I’m not good for her, that I’m not enough.
But I can already see how good she is for me.
Shayna brings out a side of me that I didn’t know existed.
One that smiles and laughs more often than I have in my entire life.
One that’s able to speak freely around her without fear of judgment.
One that doesn’t have to actively search her out in the crowd because I already know where she is.
One that’s starting to believe that I can’t see a future without her in my life.
“What if I’m not what she needs?”
“What would you say to Shayna if she told you that she wasn’t enough for you?” he counters.
“That’s crazy.” I shake my head.
“Exactly.” Tyler looks over to where all the ladies are sitting at the long picnic table. “You have to trust that she can choose who is or isn’t good for her, man.”
I’ve never thought about it like that. This whole time, I’ve been telling Shayna she needs to figure out what she likes and wants—not because someone asked something of her or told her to, but because it’s what she really desires.
And what if that’s me?
Once I’ve made my plate, I sit across from Shayna, a few people down. I dig in, hoping a full stomach will help give me the courage I need to open up later. Talking about feelings doesn’t come naturally to me, but I guess that’s part of a relationship—doing the things that terrify you.
I devour my burger while the people around me listen to Evie talk about her upcoming dance recital, then the corn is calling my name.
My mom’s corn on the cob has been my favorite side dish for as long as I can remember.
She coats it in melted butter and grated Parmesan.
It’s a heavenly combo but an absolute mess to eat.
That’s what napkins and wet wipes are for, though.
I pick it up and take a giant bite, right down the center.
Butter dribbles down my chin, and for some reason, I choose that moment to look over at Shayna.
She’s already watching me, her lips slightly parted.
I’m not much for guessing what people want without them verbalizing it, but I’m quickly learning that everything is different when it comes to her.
It’s obvious she wants to finish our conversation from earlier, and I’m not going to keep a lady waiting.
I grab a napkin and wipe my chin before glancing at my plate, then back at her.
She giggles and mirrors me, taking a huge bite out of her corn.
Parmesan cheese dots her lips like a misplaced mustache, and I run a hand over my mouth to hide my smile at how cute she is.
I gesture with my head to the house and Shayna nods, excusing herself after quickly wiping her face with a napkin. No one questions me as I get up from the table and follow after her. When I reach the patio, I take a deep breath and shake out my hands before opening the back door.
Here goes nothing.
Shayna is pacing the kitchen when I walk inside, but she immediately stops when she notices me.
“Hi.”
She smirks. “Is that how we’re going to start every conversation now?”
“Should I try out a different greeting?” I dip an imaginary cowboy hat and do my best deep Southern accent. “Howdy.”
Shayna grabs an extra biscuit my mom made for her strawberry-shortcake trifle and chucks it at me. I catch it with one hand before it hits me in the face. I drop it back on the counter.
She groans. “How do you make everything look so hot?”
I raise an eyebrow. Looks like I could take some lessons from her on how to be forward. And the knowledge that she thinks I’m hot has me feeling warm. I didn’t know catching a flying biscuit was attractive, but to each their own.
Shayna purses her lips. “Was there a reason you wanted to meet me here, or did you just need an escape?”
Right. The reason.
“I wanted to finish our conversation.” She looks surprised, her eyes a little wide and her mouth agape. “I was flirting with you.” I tilt my head. “Or at least, I was trying to.”
Shayna steps closer. I can’t help but be distracted by her beauty as she looks at me in a way I never thought a woman would—like I mean something to her. Her voice is barely above a whisper when she asks, “Why?”
“Because everything felt different on our date at the botanical gardens, and then when I saw you in my hoodie this morning, it confirmed it for me. You’re someone I could see myself with—and that honestly terrifies me.
” I run a hand through my hair. “But it also has me excited about the future for the first time in a long time. I’m not sure I’m ready for a full-blown relationship, but you deserve to know where my feelings stand.
” I sigh. “I don’t expect you to say anything.
I don’t even know if you feel the same way, but—”
She rises on her toes and presses her lips lightly to my cheek, effectively cutting off the rest of my rambling. I close my eyes and memorize the feel of her mouth against my skin so that, even after she’s stepped back, I can hold onto the sensation.
It was just a kiss on the cheek, but the feeling it stirs inside me is like a five-alarm fire—an intense inferno that’s hard to contain.
I’ve never felt like this with anyone else.
I can only imagine what another touch from her might bring about.
Probably my undoing. Because I’m completely captivated by this woman.