Chapter 12 #2
I finish my wine in one gulp and sit back down. Why does it seem they are always overjoyed by Kate’s news and I am in my own personal hell whenever she opens her mouth? I wait a few minutes before I excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom.
I lean over the sink, close my eyes and splash water on my face.
My stomach’s twisting into knots. Taking a hand towel, I wipe my face, wiping away my makeup.
It’s time for me to leave. I’ve been tortured enough tonight.
I can’t take another second of this. I sink down on the toilet seat with my face in my hand and have a little cry. Hell, I’ve been strong enough tonight.
Nick
I know she’s hurting. I want to go to her and wrap her in my arms. I watch her make a toast and pretend to be happy and smile.
She doesn’t deserve this. She should be the woman sitting next to me having my child.
She puts on a good act for her family, but I can see she’s hurt.
If you look at her closely, you can see the sadness in her.
Under the little makeup she wears you can see the dark circles under her eyes.
They can’t see but I can. Her sadness is my heartache.
She excuses herself from the table. When she doesn’t come back after ten minutes, I excuse myself to make a phone call and head in the direction she went.
I stop in front of the bathroom door. I knock but I don’t say anything. If I answer her, she won’t open the door. I knock again and wait till she opens the door to see who it is. I can tell she’s been crying.
“Go away, Nick, I can’t do this. My family is here.”
She tries to close the door, but I hold it open with my hand.
“Nick, let go!” she whispers.
“I’m not going anywhere. Move away from the door and let me in, Cat.
” Her eyes narrow to slits, and she looks like she wants to hit me.
I would let her hit me a thousand times—I deserve it.
“If you don’t let me in, someone is going to see us.
” She moves back, and I walk in and close the door behind me.
“What do you want, Nick? I said all I needed to say the last time we talked.”
“I know it’s hard for you—”
“What’s hard for me is seeing you with your hands on my sister while you bond over your baby. A baby you’re having with her.”
“I know.”
“No, I don’t think you do! You don’t know what it’s like standing there, congratulating you and wishing you well, not meaning a single word of what I said, because I wish I was in my sister’s shoes.
I wish I was the woman sitting next to you having your baby.
That should be me out there that my family is happy and overjoyed for.
Not her. I wish they could see how unhappy I am.
They can’t, I have to put on a show for them.
Inside I am crumbling. I’m trying to keep it together but you are not helping me. ”
She covers her face with her hands and turns her back to me. I stand behind her, my body almost touching hers. I want to touch her so badly it hurts me not to. I want to wipe away all the hurt and the pain I’ve caused her.
“Cat, she’s pregnant. I can’t undo what’s already done.
We are going to have a baby, but we are not together.
I don’t love her; I love you. I want to be with you.
I want you to be the woman in my life who stands by my side.
I want to be the man in your life to love you and make love to you.
It could be the way it was that weekend.
Do you know what it’s like for me not being able to see you, touch you? ”
She turns around with tears in hers eyes, lips trembling. If her heart is crumbling, my heart is breaking. It seems like all I’ve done since she’s come back is bring tears to her eyes.
“It’s hard not having something…” She stops, pressing her lips together.
“What I had with you in one weekend…when you’ve experienced it, it’s not easily forgotten.
It’s like a tingle creeping up your skin, coming together in the center of your whole being, caged in until it wants to burst out.
Something uncontrollable that moves you and rocks you uncontrollably.
At the most unexpected times, I think about it, I feel it. ”
That’s it exactly. She’s so close to me I wouldn’t have to move a half an inch to lean down and kiss her.
She’s trapped against the wall and me, nowhere for her to go.
Nowhere for her to run. I brush a strand of hair out of her face with my hand grazing the soft skin on her cheek.
Her lips tremble, and her eyes close when I slide the palm of my hand across her face.
She tries to pull back, but she can’t; her back is against the wall.
“Don’t touch me,” she breathes.
I watch the pulse at her neck beat. Pressing my body against her, I kiss her on the forehead, my hand moving down to the side of her neck, kissing her there, trailing the tip of my tongue to her ear.
“You want me to touch you, Cat.” I run my hand over her breast. Her breathing speeds up, and I watch the rise and fall of her chest straining against the top of her dress.
“Your lips lie, but your body is telling me the truth,” I say, nuzzling the side of her neck with my mouth open.
My tongue swirls the spot I know drives her crazy.
She gives me a soft moan, and I know she wants me.
“Stop. I don’t have the strength…please!” she says frantically against my hair.
My hand on her waist, I rub my body against her, so she knows how much I want her. I don’t care who’s out there. “You don’t want me to stop. You like when I’m in you. You like it when I scream your name and you come undone all around me. Like dynamite, every time we come together, we explode.”
I cover her mouth with mine, and it’s like home.
Our eyes close, and her arms wind around my neck.
It’s been so long since I’ve kissed her, and I’m instantly hard as a rock.
I forgot how small she is when I grind my arousal into her stomach.
My hands go under her dress, palming her perfect round ass.
I run my tongue under the side of her jaw.
I listen to her whimper, straining to say my name like I knew she would. “Nick.”
There’s a knock on the door and I feel her turn to stone under my hands. I put my lips on hers. Her eyes open wide, and I see the want and need in her brown eyes. “Shhh.”
The person outside calls her name, “Cat?”
I put my mouth against her ear. “Take a deep breath.”
“Are you okay, Cat?”
I rub my thumb against the side of her stomach in a slow circle under her dress, seeing her reaction to Chris’s voice. I ask her, “Are you okay?” She shakes her head no. “Let it out, deep breath out. Then say one word, yes.”
“Yes,” she calls out.
“Are you sure? You’ve been in there for a while.”
“Deep, steady breaths,” I tell her again. “Talk slowly till you get your voice under control.”
“I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute, Chris.” Her voice sounds a little strangled but it’s not bad.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, I’ll be out in a minute.”
“All right.”
We listen to his footsteps fade away. She lays her head down in the middle of my chest and clutches the sides of my shirt in her hands. Putting my hand over her hair, I hold her close.
“We can’t keep doing this, Nick.”
“Why not?”
“It hurts too much.”
“When we’re together it feels good. It’s like the first time all over again.
Stop lying to yourself and to me. I’m not going to push you, but I need you to talk to me; I need to hear from you to make sure you’re okay.
Give me that much.” I lift her face up with my hands.
The heat in her eyes is replaced again by sadness and a wariness that wasn’t there before.
“I don’t know. I can’t hear your voice every day and not be with you.”
“How about this, I send you one text a day. All you have to do is text me back I’m fine or I’m not doing so good today.”
She thinks about it and nods. “I think I can do that.”
“Good.”
She straightens her dress and fixes herself in the mirror.
“You go out first and find Chris and then I’ll come out.”
She walks to the door, and I grab her hand and kiss her on the corner of her mouth. “I’m not giving up on us so easily.” She turns around and walks out the door, leaving me alone.
Cat
I walk out of the bathroom on shaky legs. My God, they feel like silly putty. I was actually going to have sex with him in my parents’ bathroom, with everyone down the hall. Thank God for Chris. I’m sure my heart stopped when he knocked on the door.
My first stop in this house of nightmares is to get my jacket before anyone else surprises me.
I put my coat on and call a cab. I don’t need a ride from anyone here tonight.
I’ve had enough questions and happy talk of babies and family love and loyalty.
My mother could hardly look at me tonight, and Kate was staring daggers at me when she thought no one was looking.
Sisterly love is dead and buried in this house, right along with motherly love.
“Are you leaving without saying goodbye?”
I turn around and see Chris looking at me. “No, I was just putting on my coat first, my cab is coming.”
“Why didn’t you ask one of us to give you a ride?”
“I didn’t want you to leave because of me. I’ll be fine. Go back inside with the family. I’ll say bye before I leave.”
“Are you sure you’re fine?”
“Yeah, don’t I look fine? Why wouldn’t I be on such a joyous Thanksgiving Day?” I smile, but I’m so tired of pretending that I don’t know if I’m convincing enough. From the look on his face I won’t be winning any more awards for my acting abilities tonight.
“Why wouldn’t you be? I noticed you didn’t say much to Kate or Mom tonight. Now that I think about it, you didn’t say one word to Nick. You acted like he wasn’t here.”
I look down at my hand and tighten the belt around my coat.
“Are you ready to talk about what’s going on? There’s been tension between the three of you since you came home. Now Mom’s acting weird, and you’ve moved out.”
He is perceptive. He also knows me as well as Nick.
“I’m not ready to talk. When I am I will let you know.
I will come to you and pour my little heart out for you to see.
Is that what you want, Chris?” Defeated, I swallow back the lump in my throat and push back the tears in my eyes.
“You want to hear how messed up I am, how messed up my life is?”
He hugs me tight, and I hug him back just as tight. My big brother. Always my big brother without judgment. “I want you to be okay. To be the happy girl I used to know. That’s all I want.”
“Things were easier when we were little and you would fix all my problems. When this is all said and done I think I’m going to need you the most. Promise me you won’t turn your back on me.”
“You know I would never do that. There’s nothing you can do to make me turn my back on you.”
“That’s why I love you so much.” My cab is blowing. I wipe the tears away from my eyes and pull out of his hug. “My cab is here. I can’t go in there like this, can you tell them I had to leave. I wasn’t feeling good.”
“I’ll tell them whatever you want.”
“It won’t be a lie, I really do feel like shit.” I manage to smile for real. “Bye.”
I walk down the steps into the cold November night into my cab. I get in, and it’s the driver I had the first night I came home from the airport.
“Where to, pretty lady?”
“I’m going home. Manhattan.”
He turns around and looks at me. “I thought this was your home?”
“You remember me?”
“I could never forget such a pretty face.”
“That’s nice of you to say.”
“It’s the truth. I wouldn’t lie about beauty. A beautiful, nice woman is hard to come by these days.”
“Really, I didn’t know that you could tell from a cab ride how nice I am?”
“Yes, I can tell. Many women get into this cab. Their attitude is very nasty. No good morning, goodbye, thank you, nothing, nothing, nothing, they don’t even want to give you a tip.
They look like they just rolled out of bed and threw on the first thing they grab off the floor.
Then you have the ones who dress like movie stars, same thing. No good, no good.”
“And you can tell from a short cab ride, huh?”
“Yes, and you get my seal of approval. You’re a good one.”
“Well, thank you.”
“I thought you lived in that beautiful house back there?”
“I did, it’s my parents’ house. I was only staying there till I found a place. I’m living with my friend now.”
“Do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Depends on what it is.”
“That friend of yours, the boy, did it work out?”
“It didn’t work out the way I thought it would.”
“That’s a shame. Do you think I have a chance since he blew it?”
“You’re nice and cute, but I can’t be in a relationship with anyone but myself right now. My life is very complicated.”
“That’s a shame, one dumb asshole messes it up for all of us.”
I laugh and look out the window. Comic relief, that’s what I need.