Imperfections Realized (The Imperfections #3)

Chapter 1

Nick

February

I’ve been calling her every single day for weeks, and every single time my calls go to voicemail. I refuse to text; I can’t write what I need to say to her. I have so much I regret: regret for everything I didn’t say to her, and regret for the things I did say.

Without Cat, I feel like I’m drifting. I swear I’m not the man I used to be.

Cat changed me. I don’t want to be without her; she saw something in me that no one else did, and I want to be the man she thought I was.

Being with Paige just reminded me of the person I was.

I now know a convenient fuck won’t erase my feelings for Cat; it won’t erase the time we spent together or the love we shared.

When she slammed the door, shutting me out of her life, I became a broken man.

However brief it was, we had it, but now, no contact, our connection broken, shredded, and ripped out straight through my heart.

The last time I spoke to Paige, I told her what happened between us will never happen again.

I’m not sure if she gets it, though. Sleeping with her wasn’t one of my better judgment calls.

I was hurting and reverted to old habits.

I knew I was wrong as soon as it was over, but I kept telling myself it would help me get over Cat, put her out of my mind so I could stop feeling like the screw up I was.

I was wrong. The last time Paige and I hooked up, I actually made some excuse in the middle of having sex and bailed.

With every thrust inside her I was being tortured, like a sheet of paper being ripped apart bit by bit.

Then and there I knew I was making things worse. Regrets. Too many frigging regrets to count.

Work

Sitting in my father’s office, listening to him bitch at me, is not what I need to deal with in my state of mind.

“What the hell is wrong with you? This was an easy win and you lost.”

“I didn’t lose, we settled,” I reply, trying my best to rein back my rising anger at each word out of his mouth.

“That’s a damn loss to me!”

“Well next time you represent, then! I can’t win every fucking case.”

“You’ve been off your game for weeks. It’s time to cut the shit.

What the hell is it—the baby or the girl?

If it’s about the baby, I don’t have any advice for you apart from using work to your mind off of it for a while.

I know what happened is going to take some time for you to get past, but I don’t know…

see a shrink. If it’s the girl, there are more of them out there.

Go get another one and get your fucking head back in the courtroom and to the business at hand, which is making money and winning cases. ”

“She’s not interchangeable.” I get up and walk over to the window. “I know that’s hard for you to wrap your head around.”

She’s not just any girl; she’s the fucking girl that I love, the one I want to spend the rest of my fucking life with.

That’s what I really want to tell him, but what the hell would he know about that?

Most of his marriages don’t last more than three years tops.

“You make it sound as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to do.

Just pick any girl and forget about her. ”

“It’s that simple. You’re making it difficult for yourself and everyone around here.

Half the people on your floor are afraid to walk past your office for fear of running into you.

You’re taking your anger and frustration out in the wrong place; you need to channel it somewhere beneficial—like the courtroom. ”

“Enough with the damn courtroom already. I know what my damn job is. Get the hell off my back. Not everything is about winning a damn case. My whole life doesn’t revolve around that shit.”

“It used to, and it made you a damn good lawyer.”

I turn around and ask him a question that’s been on my mind lately. “But did it make me a better person?” He leans back in his chair and looks at me for a second.

“What the hell sort of question is that? Who cares if it made you a better person? It made you a winner. It made you one of the best. And you’re mucking it up all because of a woman who probably wouldn’t have stayed with your ass anyway, given the circumstances.

” Getting out of his chair, he walks over to me, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Tell me, how was that train wreck ever going to work out? I’d advise you to move on and forget about her.

You’ll both be better off. At least you can reminisce about the good times you had.

Trust me when I say you’re better off that it ended now before things got worse.

You’re not meant to be tied down to one woman—or maybe you need a woman like Paige, who understands men like us. ”

“Us.” He never ceases to amaze me with his philandering fatherly advice.

“I’m not you, Dad. I used to think maybe I wasn’t supposed to be with one woman, but she changed that way of thinking for me.

I never thought I would feel this way about a woman but I love her.

See, this is how we differ. I know the difference between love and a quick fuck.

Trust me, screwing Paige won’t change what I already know.

“I have work to do. Like you said, I need to get my head back in the fucking courtroom. You should do the same and don’t give me any more half-assed advice.

If you’re so fond of Paige, why don’t you screw her and make her wife number four…

or is it five?” I stalk out of his office more worked up than when I stepped in there.

He’s the last person who should be doling out advice on relationships.

Walking back to my office, I think back to the last thing Ava said to me the last time I saw her:

“I love both of you. But I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for you two to be together if this is what it’s going to do to you. She’s a hot-ass mess. She doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going, and you, honey, you’re just out of control. Baby, rein it in and take a step back.”

“What if I don’t want to take a step back, Ava?”

“Then you run the risk of losing her forever in every way.”

I’ve been stepping back for years, I thought. This is the reason we are where we are now. Time. Too much fucking time.

Home

This rooftop. I can’t get off this fucking rooftop. It’s haunting me with memories—every which way I turn, she’s there. No escaping it—I’m fucked. My life is finally catching up to me, and I’m getting what most would say I deserve.

After yet another endless day without hearing from her, I call Ava.

“Ava, you’re killing me here, I need to know something…anything.”

“If you wanted to know how she was doing, maybe you shouldn’t have stormed over here and spewed all your anger about Matt on her.

Then maybe you would be with her instead of groveling to get secondhand info on her emotional well-being, which, thanks to you, is in the bottom of a well.

Don’t worry, she’s finding ways to deal with it. ”

“What ways?”

“You won’t like the answer, and you know I can’t tell you, so don’t bother asking again.”

I hope none of those ways involve Matt. “Ava, please, she won’t return my calls and you not telling me anything is driving me crazy. This is not me; I’m not used to feeling this way. Damn, I messed it all up so bad. But I know I can fix it if she would only listen to me.”

“We talked about this. You said you were going to give her time. The time she needed. What happened?”

“That’s all I’ve ever fucking done. Time is what has fucked us up.

Screw time and space, I feel like I’m drowning.

Every time I see the look on her face, it’s a loop running through my goddamn head day and night.

I can’t concentrate on my damn cases, I’m thinking about things I said to her, ways I’ve hurt her, how one stupid, weak night with her sister almost crushed her.

I can’t take any of it back, but I regret every single careless, selfish thing I did. ”

“You should. She deserves way better. She shouldn’t have had to deal with all the things your actions were throwing at her. She was ducking left and right to avoid something else your bad decisions caused.”

“I know. I don’t deserve her, but I need her. I need her more than I need anything else in this world. She is the girl I’ve known almost a lifetime. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to be with me but I need her. I need to know she’s not going to disappear from my life forever.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes.”

“What if she decides it’s all too much for her, and she never wants to be with you in the way you want her to be with you?”

“I’ll take her anyway I can get her.”

“I don’t think you will. How are you going to react if she decides to move on with another man? Then what? What are you going to do then?”

“I don’t know!”

“I do. It’s not going to end well for anyone, especially you.

When you were together and things were good, you were amazing together.

She lit up like a hundred-watt bulb and you shined together.

Your rough edges smoothed out and you made her stronger.

But when things went wrong you were explosive, and she crumbled, falling apart piece by piece, day by day, a little more each passing hour.

You, you are something different, you’re almost manic.

You’re right, it’s like you’re drowning, gasping for air, and your reaction to that is almost violent to anyone you think will get in the way of your love and being with her. ”

“Ava, I love her too much to let her go. I can’t have her be with anyone else but me.

I can’t be that guy on the sidelines watching her move on with her life without me in it.

I’m not that big of a person; my love for her won’t let her go.

I’m not giving up on us. We were meant to be together for better or worse.

Don’t ask me to let her go. I won’t, ever. ”

“Give her time, like I said. The time she needs. If you’re meant to be, you will. I’m going to be sappy here, but true love knows no boundaries or time.”

Sappy is good right about now. I’m a fucking mess.

Days later

I’ve spent many restless nights on this rooftop thinking.

This is all my fault, I know that. I brought this emptiness and despair of living without her on myself.

Not a minute goes by when I don’t regret everything I did wrong to hurt her, breaking her heart into a million pieces and more.

If I could take it all back and start again from the beginning, I would. I’m nothing without her.

She showed me a side of myself I thought was long gone. The look on her face the last time I saw her told me exactly how I repaid her love and trust. I’m not worthy of her love, but I need it, like a hit of adrenaline to restart my heart.

I turn with my back against the brick wall and look at the chaise, the sunroom filled with flowers, and twinkling lights.

I think about us, cocooned together against the bitter cold of that night, when she looked up into my eyes and said, “Make love to me.” Beautiful.

The way she looked at me, trusting me to take care of her.

It was all there in her eyes for me to see.

I pick up the phone to dial her number again for the fifth time today.

Still no answer. I’m forced to leave another message.

“I’ve been thinking about the bad choices I’ve made and all the things I’ve done wrong when it comes to us. Cat, if you’re listening to this, what seems like thousandth message to you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Please—”

Beep. Damn. Never enough time.

I rub my hands over my eyes and picture her in my arms that night. Holding her close to my heart, being inside her, connected as one as I pour all that I am inside of her. That goddamn smile of hers that would make me do just about any damn thing for her.

I can’t even think about not seeing her look at me that way again.

But there’s a chance I might not, if I don’t back off like Ava said and pull my shit together.

Practically stalking her and calling her five times a day isn’t doing anything to bring her back to me.

I’m going to back off as best I can and hope she doesn’t leave me to drift.

And in the meantime, I’ll pray she gives me another chance to pull my head above water to breathe with her love—our love.

I don’t know what it’ll take to bring her back to me, but whatever it is, I’m up for it.