Chapter 4
Cat
Who knew it would be this hard to find a good OB/GYN?
It’s taken me most of the day online. I had to make sure their medical license were up-to-date, a member of FACOG, graduated from a top college, and been in practice for at least ten years.
This way he won’t have a thing to say about the doctor I choose.
The doctor I found looks good. His credentials are great, and he also teaches.
This would have been a lot easier if I could have asked someone like Isabelle to recommend someone, but I can’t let anyone know I’m pregnant until Nick and I discuss the best way to deal with this.
When he comes home I’m doing what I’ve been doing a lot of: napping and not eating much.
“Hey, sleeping beauty.”
“Hi,” I say, sitting up on the couch putting my legs down.
“How was your day?”
He sits on the other end of the couch—away from me—with his legs spread apart.
I’m trying not to look, but my eyes are drawn to him and they won’t stay up past his crotch.
I need a shower or an ice pack. He must be emitting some kind of pheromones or something.
I know they say some pregnant women are easily aroused, but this is ridiculous.
This is not me. Since I’ve been here, having sex with him is all I can think about, whether I’m near him or not.
“It was productive.” I try to lift my gaze up to his face and concentrate on the conversation.
“Is there something wrong? You keep looking down.”
“No! No.” Yes! I’m turned on and I can’t turn it off. “I found a doctor.”
“Good, did you make an appointment?”
“Yeah, the earliest I could get was a week from today. His office is on Lexington Avenue.”
“It had to be a man? Couldn’t you find a woman?”
“Nick—” I say with a hint of frustration and warning.
“I’m just saying.” He shrugs. “Give me his name and the address of the place and I’ll look it over.”
“You won’t find anything wrong with him.” He looks at me and shakes his head.
“How did you feel today, still nauseated?”
“Mostly in the morning, but I’m less nauseated in the afternoon. In the night I’m fine as long as you don’t plop a load of food down in front of me.” I think back to last night.
“Did you eat today?”
I roll my eyes at him in annoyance, my hands folded.
“Don’t roll your eyes. I want to make sure you’re eating.”
“Yes, I ate my fruit and yogurt for breakfast with toast. For lunch, I had a grilled chicken salad with bread and butter. Is that good?”
“Yes, I approve. Do you feel anything?” He glances at my stomach.
“No, not yet. It’s too early.” I wonder if he’s thinking about Kate’s baby?
I was crushed the evening I saw them in the hallway at my parents’ house on Thanksgiving.
His hand was on her stomach, feeling their baby move for the first time.
They looked like a couple, and I couldn’t stand it.
I wanted to move and I couldn’t. I was frozen in the scene, watching them together.
I wonder how he’s dealing with the loss of the baby?
I don’t want to ask him if he’s not ready to talk about what happened.
When he wants to, he will. I hope he knows he can talk to me about it if he needs someone to talk to.
It’ll be hard for me to listen to him talk about the loss of their child, but it would be good if we could get past all the pain.
There are things we both need to say about the things that occurred on that night.
“What do you feel like eating for dinner?”
“Since it’s my last night here, your choice, as long as it’s not anything greasy or fried; it doesn’t agree with the baby and me.” I learned that the hard way with my head in the toilet.
His gaze is directed to my stomach again, and I wonder what he’s thinking when his eyes travel back up to my face like he has something important to say to me. But all he says is, “Got it. Nothing fried, nothing greasy.” He walks out of the living room, leaving me by myself.
He’s been acting distant and holding back something from me.
I wonder what it is? He might have mixed feelings about having another baby so soon after losing one.
I would understand. I don’t expect him to get over it in two short months, and I know this baby can’t replace the one he lost. I think once the initial shock of having a baby with Kate wore off he was looking forward to seeing his baby and being a father.
Everyone would have spoiled and loved that baby.
I put my hand on my stomach and hope my family can understand this. “I want you to be loved and accepted by your family, even if they don’t ever truly forgive me.” We’ll see how it works out soon enough.
For the rest of the night, there’s a strange awkward silence between us.
We finish eating and Nick goes to his office to finish some work.
I’m sitting in my room by myself with nothing but him on my mind and the flat screen TV watching me.
I wish he would have stayed with me like the night I came here.
It was easy and nice, even though I wanted him to reach out and touch me.
I’m having a serious case of sexual frustration and only one person can cure it.
I fall asleep thinking about Nick and wake up with an ache between my legs and a need for him. It took me forever to fall asleep listening to him move around. He didn’t come into my room to check on me tonight. I wonder why?
I can’t sleep. And I’m thirsty. I pull my T-shirt down and slip out to the kitchen get a drink of water from the fridge.
I glance to where his door is. No sound, and his lights are off.
Go back to your room, Cat. After tonight you’ll be back at home, all by yourself, in your own bed.
That does not sound appealing. I turn toward my room, trying to talk myself out of doing something stupid.
Keep going, keep going, almost there… I stop, close my eyes, and turn back around.
What the hell am I doing? I’ve been here all of two days, and I’m ready to give in to feelings of wanting him.
I need to get out of here first thing tomorrow before I do something I’ll regret.
I need to take charge of my life and my feelings for this man, for myself and this baby.
It would be easy to fall back into old habits and let him take care of me, but I can’t do that.
I pace up and down the hardwood floors, trying to talk myself out of going into his room.
I need to be the woman I was before I came home.
The one who is capable of making a decision for herself without worrying if her family or anyone else will approve.
I need to figure some things out before I get any further into this pregnancy.
I have options, and I want to see where these options take me.
I need to make sure I have no regrets. To do that I’m going to have to explore these options fully.
My mind made up and a decision made, I stand in front of his door, turn the knob, and with bare feet silently walk into his room, a sliver of light peeking in behind me from the hallway.
My heart is pounding in my chest as I walk to his bed, where he’s lying on his back, shirtless, the sheet covering him from the waist down.
I let my eyes adjust to the dim light in the room, making out every muscle of his well-defined chest and arms. I walk to the bed and gently sit down beside him, watching him sleep.
He looks peaceful, the muscles in his face relaxed.
Watching him makes me want to run my fingers through his hair and kiss him awake, just to see the look in his beautifully amazing eyes.
I’m close to getting what I want when his eyes open and he stares at me, making my heart stutter.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?” His voice is low, sexy, and deep.
My apprehension rapidly rises with what I’m about to say, but I simply say in a hushed whisper, “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I’ve been tossing and turning in that bed every night since I’ve been here.”
His eyebrows come down together in a frown. “Is it the bed? Do you want to switch rooms?”
“No. I figured out what my problem is. I’m missing something I really want.
But I’m not sure if I should have it, because there are some things I need to sort out for myself first.” I pause and he waits patiently.
“There’s something I should tell you. It’s about Matt.
” That’s all it takes for him to sit straight up against the headboard, his eyes never leaving me for a second.
“What? Tell me anything except that you think this is his baby.”
“Without a doubt I can tell you this is not Matt’s baby. It’s one hundred percent yours.”
Exhaling, with his shoulders relaxing against the headboard, he says, “Thank fucking God. My head was about to explode.”
“It still might.” He bites his bottom lip and waits for me to continue. I take a deep breath. “I’ve been seeing Matt for a little while, and we’re sort of dating. I thought you should know. I should have told you in the hospital, but the pregnancy was enough to deal with for one day.”
Raising an eyebrow he says, “If you wanted to get back at me, there is no better way, is there?”
“Don’t be full of yourself. Me seeing Matt has nothing to do with trying to get back at you. That would be fucked up for me to do something like that to him.”
“So what—out of all the men in New York, you’re choosing him once again?”
“Not that I really owe you an explanation, but in the act of full disclosure, he was there for me when I needed my friends the most, and we’ve become close.
“I bet he was there for you, giving you a shoulder to rest your head on. I know how that works, Cat.”
“How being a genuinely good friend works?”
“No, him comforting you and agreeing with everything you say while subtly dropping little hints, turning you against me. Taking advantage of you in your vulnerable state for his own personal gain. I know how the shoulder to cry on works.”
He is working my last nerve already. “Then you don’t know shit. Take your head out of your ass once again and stop being jealous of him for a second.
“Matt has been nothing but great, he’s not.
.. Forget it, I’m not going to do this. I just wanted to be completely honest with you about Matt, because I know how you get at the mention of his name.
I think we need honesty and clarity if we’re going to deal with this pregnancy together.
” I’m trying to keep calm, but I can’t believe him.
“I don’t appreciate you saying I’m easily taken advantage of and manipulated. ”
“I didn’t say that. I know you can handle yourself, and no one’s going to manipulate you when your defenses are up. I don’t particularly care for your choice in companion, but I do agree we need to be clear and honest with each other during this pregnancy and beyond.”
“Great. At least we can agree on something tonight. I’m tired, I’m going back to bed. I guess we can figure out the other stuff before I leave in the morning.”
“Okay,” he says.
As I rise from the bed, he catches my fingers in his, and I watch the sheet fall away from the lower half of his body as he stands.
Damn. I hold my breath, closing my eyes a moment to steady myself.
He towers over me, naked as the day he was born, without a trace of embarrassment.
I try to break free of the hold he has on me, but he’s unrelenting.
I take shallow breaths, my newfound resolve wavering in the face of skin-to-skin contact and a sculptured body ripped with lean muscle.
He leans down, sucking his lower lip into his mouth.
He places a cool, moist kiss on the side of my neck, making me inhale when his lips part; blowing lightly across the spot, he steps back, letting my hands slip away from his hold.
“Sweet dreams, Cat.” I finally open my eyes, coming out of the sensual haze.
What the hell? I clear my throat and moisten my lips with my tongue and manage to say goodnight, turning around and all but running out of the room.
I don’t bother to close his door but securely lock mine.
Tomorrow can’t come soon enough. He’s dangerous.