Chapter 44
The darkness was always close. It knew of my sins and held my hand. It whispered whose life I should take, slipping the knife in my hands. I didn’t even notice when it merged with me and took over. I make no decisions anymore, it’s in charge now.
I woke up in the same room, lying in the same position, still in the same clothes.
I couldn’t sleep properly for an entire month.
My sleep was so superficial that I confused it with the silence in my head.
I hadn’t cried since that day. I thought I was no longer capable of feeling anything, showing emotions or even crying.
Eric didn’t trust me, so I had to sleep in his room. I didn’t care where I slept. I just wanted to stay down.
I knew he was afraid of me taking my own life. But I was so exhausted I wasn’t even sure I had the strength to do it by that point.
He took all the sharp objects from the bedroom and bathroom. He removed window handles. He wouldn’t leave the manor as often.
Almost every night we’d fall asleep on our separate sides of the bed and wake up.
I couldn’t remember the last time I left the room or went outside.
Eric took away the mirror hanging across from the bed and replaced it with a painting. I didn’t know, why he did it, but I didn’t care what to look at, be it a mirror, a painting or the bare wall. I couldn’t care less what to look at, nothing brought out any emotions in me.
My days flew by as if they were on fast forward. They consisted of me opening my eyes, looking at the painting, and then closing them back. Every day was the same.
Marta brought me food. Sometimes I would eat something, but most of the time I didn’t eat at all.
I didn’t see why I needed to eat if I wasn’t doing anything. I was just lying there all day, staring at the painting.
I didn’t think I needed to eat. They’d better save the food and not waste it on me. Besides, I had no appetite, so I didn’t really need it.
I almost stopped drinking water because going to the bathroom was tiring me out and took too much energy. And I needed that energy to finish the day, and then another one, and another one, and the one after that.
I realized I no longer liked walking. I didn’t understand why I should walk or do anything if I could just lie down.
I’d wake up almost every night and stare into the darkness, imagining I could see the painting in it. When I closed my eyes, I’d open them when I could see it again.
I heard Eric enter the room. He usually returned when it got dark. When he was away, Norman or Marta came to check on me.
Marta kept scolding me for refusing to eat and staying in bed all the time. She was so mad and I couldn’t see, why.
Her shouting wore me down fast, so I stopped paying attention to her.
I heard the plates clatter.
Eric walked up to me and lifted my pillow up a bit.
My pulse sped up and I didn’t like it. I wanted to lie down and do nothing.
He sat on the bed and took a bowl of soup .
“Open your mouth.”
I did, and he began spoon-feeding me.
I didn’t need to be fed. He was wasting his time. It’s no use.
I ate half the bowl of soup and slid down the pillow, turning my back to him.
He never made me talk, get up or eat on my own. He’d simply come in, feed me, cover me with a blanket and leave.
I didn’t understand, why he wasn’t mad at me, didn’t hate me. He was supposed to be livid with me for disobeying him. I expected him to beat me up, throw me in a cage to starve. Or to yell at me, at least, boss me around, say something nasty, humiliate or gaslight me.
I could feel the soup warm me up on the inside. I felt the liquid moving through me. And I wanted to get rid of it. I didn’t like feeling things.
“Do you want me to wash you?”
“Do I stink?”
“No.”
“No need, then.”
I lay down straight when I heard the door closing.
I kept looking at the painting.
I memorized every detail on it. It got imprinted in my head like a memorized poem. I could see it when I closed my eyes.
Was dad gone, too?
I could see the sunlight coming through the dark clouds.
Mom died because of me.
Fluffy clouds of gray and blue.
I couldn’t save her.
Birds flying South.
Bell was dead because of me.
Green grass and a dense forest in the distance.
I killed them .
The sun made a gray cloud a little lighter, but they would never match one another.
They were dead because of me.
The gray cloud would always stay gray.
I sat on the bed and reached for the nightstand.
He took all the cutlery away.
How could I get myself to bleed out before the ambulance came?
He removed the bathroom door lock, but he was out, and he probably wouldn’t be back soon.
I looked all over the room, but could see nothing that could do me any harm.
I should have taken a gun from Mortimer and shot myself in the head. This would have been the quickest way to go.
If I were to cut myself, there was a chance I’d get rescued, and the blood loss would leave me handicapped if I didn’t do a good enough job.
I went to the bathroom and turned the light on. It was obscenely bright. It made my eyes hurt.
I looked up and saw a ghost staring at me in the mirror. My hair was dirty, clothes wrinkled, my face was pale-gray, and my eyes had a blank look to them.
I quickly looked away, but then turned back again.
The mirror was stuck to the wall, but maybe I could break it and get a piece. I just need one piece. Just a tiny shard.
I left the bathroom and went back to the bedroom. My gaze slowly searched the things in the room, but all of them were large and blunt.
I walked to the bedside chest and pulled out one of the drawers. It had a round steel knob. I came back to the bathroom and turned the knob to face the mirror.
I hit it once and saw a small crack. After two more hits, the mirror showed more cracks, but there was still no sign of breaking .
I dropped the drawer to the floor and it fell with a crash. The echo stunned me. I tried picking out the shards, but they were glued to the wall.
I sighed heavily, feeling insanely worn-out.
I got on my knees, and the cold tile floor sent shivers down my spine.
When my legs went numb, I staggered back to my feet. I walked to the bath and decided to get in. I sat in the bath in my clothes and pushed the plug into the drain hole.
I kept turning the water on and off. I liked the sound of it.
I left it running. Water began to fill the tub.
I made it hot enough to burn my skin. I could see it turn red.
Vapor was filling the room, making it hard to breathe. The cracked mirror was covered by white fog.
The water filled the tub to the brim and I turned the tap off.
I wondered how long I could hold my breath.
I bent my knees and was about to dive into the water when the bathroom door opened.
Eric’s eyes immediately found mine and I turned away, making bubbles in the water.
I watched him walk to the drawer, pick it up and place it on the sink.
He saw the mirror was cracked.
Was he going to get angry?
He came closer to me and got on his knees.
“Did you get hurt?”
His eyes slid over my body.
He took my arms, checking them out.
“No.”
He let go of me and began rolling up the sleeves of his dark blue shirt.
“Pull up a bit. I’ll undress you.”
I did as he said .
He took my nightgown off and threw it on the floor with a wet thud.
It laid there like a floor rag.
“What’s the point in living? I’m born, I go on to study, work, create a family and then die. What’s the point? Why do anything, if there’s nothing but darkness waiting for me in the end?”
I let out a strangled chuckle. It sounded filthy, like I’d just blown dust off a book cover.
“What was I born for? I want nothing and can’t do anything. I’m useless. I’m not even good for the tasks you give me. I can’t carry them out well at all.”
I lifted my head to look at him.
His brows were furrowed, jaw clenched tight.
“I like the way you carry out my tasks.”
I let my fingers slide across the water.
“You’re flattering me because I’m pitiful. I’ve got nothing to give you, but you still kept a loser like me instead of killing me.”
“Zoe?”
“Huh?”
I wouldn’t meet his gaze.
“You don’t have to ask or answer any questions right now. Just stay in the tub, and I’m gonna wash you.”
He reached for the bottle of shampoo and squeezed some into his hand.
“Did you kill my dad?”
“No.”
I should have felt relief, but only got a hint of anxiety.
He began lathering my hair with shampoo.
I’d never come back to him. I wasn’t going to try and escape again. I wasn’t going to try and save anybody. I’d stay here and save dad’s life. That’s the only way he could live without much trouble.
I knew he’d lose the two most important people in his life, just like I had .
Eric began to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. Then he lathered my hair again, massaging my scalp.
I refused to keep fighting. I was ready to do whatever he told me for a chance to feel something again. I wasn’t going to resist him. I gave up.
Eric rinsed the shampoo out and turned off the shower.
He took a towel and began to dry me gingerly.
“I’m a burden.”
“That’s for me to decide.”
“I like your smell.”
His hands paused for a moment, then he continued to dry me as if we were husband and wife.
He helped me out of the bath and wrapped the towel around me. I left the bathroom and lay back down on the bed.
He took the towel off me and put a loose black T-shirt on me.
“Does this mean I have to give you my nighty now?”
I saw the corners of his lips perk up.
I lied down, and he covered me with a blanket.
I patted him on the side.
“I broke a mirror, we’ve got seven years of bad luck ahead of us now.”
“We’ll get through it.”
He went to the closet.
I tried to push away the endless stream of burning questions.
It’s like my brain had been turned on and was working again.
I kept rolling the ring on my left middle finger.
I looked down at it. I rolled it around twice and got out of bed.
I turned the light in the bathroom on and came to the toilet.
I opened the lid, took the ring off and looked at it for a while.
You couldn’t keep your promise, and I forgive you. Because I can’t keep mine, either.
I dropped the ring into the toilet and flushed it.
I turned around and saw Eric. He was watching me closely .
I switched the light off and left the bathroom.
We got in bed and Eric turned the lights off.
I kept staring at the painting in the dark.