Chapter 49
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
“Did you know your name means life in Greek?”
“Life,” I smirked, “how ironic.”
I took the cigarette out of my mouth and ashed it.
“What does vita mea mean?”
I saw the corners of his lips rise slightly, but he didn’t smile.
“I’ll save the answer for our next conversation.”
My pulse was pounding in my ears as if I’d been on a morning jog.
Every time I saw even a glimpse of his smile, my breathing would hitch and my pulse picked up pace.
The snowfall got heavier, building a snow-bound veil and obscuring the forest in the distance.
The white flakes turned into fluff, falling steadily onto the still barely covered ground.
We watched the white fog in silence.
“Do you ever get lonely?”
“Sometimes.”
“Killing condemns you to eternal loneliness. I felt that.”
His eyes met mine and I immediately looked away, looking at the snowflakes landing on a wooden step.
“Have you thought about what happens next?”
“I do, every day.”
He blew the smoke out his mouth, ashing his cigarette onto the snowy ground.
“Thinking of the future terrifies me.”
He took a drag and blew the smoke out of his nose.
I stubbed out my unsmoked cigarette and threw it into the ashtray.
“Are you afraid of dying?”
“No.”
I pulled another cigarette out.
“I am,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.
He turned to me and looked into my eyes.
“Weren’t you ready to die today?”
“That doesn’t cancel my fear out. I’m afraid, because I know no one’s gonna meet me on the other side when I die.”
He looked down and turned away.
“Is there still time for redemption? Or is it too late?” I asked quietly.
“Do you want the redemption?”
“Yes. I don’t want to die a bad person.”
He stubbed out his cigarette and took out another one.
He took a lighter out of his coat pocket and lit it.
“You told me I wasn’t going to end up like you. You were wrong.”
“No. Because you didn’t.”
“Do you seek redemption?”
“No. My soul belongs to the darkness, you said so yourself.”
“This doesn’t mean you can’t wish for it.”
“I don’t need redemption to feel good about myself.”
I twirled the new cigarette in my hands, breaking it and crumbling the tobacco between my fingertips.
“I don’t think you’re evil anymore.”
He raised his cosmic void-colored eyes to look at me.
“But you’ll remain exactly that in my story. I know you don’t care for my forgiveness,” I turned my head to him, meeting his gaze, “but I will never forgive you. ”
I took another cigarette, slowly ripping the paper and grinding the tobacco between my fingers. A small pile of tobacco had already gathered at my brown boots.
“Do you have feelings for me?”
I felt my pulse speed up as a wave of heat washed over my body.
“Yes, hatred. Just as you wanted.”
“Anything else?”
“Anger, disdain, disgust, resentment, fear...”
That wasn’t all, but I had no reason to go on talking.
“And?”
Jealousy, attraction, desire, passion. Maybe even infatuation.
I could feel his eyes on me.
“You still like me.”
Hearing him say that made me mad.
“No,” I replied, barely holding back my frustration.
I stared silently at the tobacco in my hand, my thoughts and feelings spinning in circles.
“It doesn’t matter, how I feel. My body may be attracted to you.
But it only does so because I’ve betrayed it and it’s kicking me back.
Its desires can’t dictate the terms of my life.
It’ll pass, I know it. Like a disease. A long, violent illness with complications.
My body is sick now, but maybe it would heal tomorrow.
I just need to wait it out and be patient.
And then all of it will fade away, and it won’t matter anymore.
After all, I’ll break free, knowing I didn’t betray myself.
That I didn’t betray my soul. It’ll stay loyal to me.
It will never be yours. I’ve never chosen you and never will. I will never be yours.”
I turned to look at him. He stared straight at the snow-bound forest.
I kicked away a handful of tobacco and began to wipe my fingers.
His fingers touched a strand of my hair and I froze. He tucked it behind my ear .
My thoughts disappeared. Desire took their place. My body ached in anticipation of his touch after so many months apart.
He came closer to kiss me. My lips parted, inviting him. He kissed me deliberately, softly and languidly. He gently touched my bottom lip, licking and sucking it. A moan rose in my throat, but I balled my hand into a fist to keep it down.
He kissed me once again and pulled away.
“You should go,” he whispered.
He wasn’t going back home?
Eric stood up and offered me his hand to help me up.
I felt my legs go numb from sitting down on cold steps for too long.
I wasn’t dressed for the weather at all, and the frost was freezing and chilling me to the bone.
My fur coat fell to the ground and he bent down to pick it up and helped me put it on.
His pleasant aroma enveloped me. I wanted to cling to him and drown in his arms.
I looked up at him, but he wasn’t looking at me.
I didn’t know why, but I really wanted to take his hand, and I did.
His eyes met mine, but they looked as cold as they did the day we first met.
How could such a warm color be so cold?
I let go of his hand, ashamed of myself for giving in to these impulses.
I walked down the steps and was about to head back to the house when he suddenly grabbed my arm.
My entrancement got mixed in with an unbearable pain in my chest. I looked down and saw a knife sticking out of my chest.
Tears began streaming down my face. I tried to push him away, but he held me tight, still looking at me with those ice-cold eyes .
The searing pain overwhelmed me, but the pain of his betrayal felt deadly.
I could taste blood in my mouth.
I coughed, staining his black coat.
Why?
Why now?
I pushed him once again, and he released me.
I fell on my side onto the snow-covered ground.
A wave of pain rushed from the kick-back to the bleeding wound, forcing me to fight the darkness creeping in.
I moaned, but it only made the pain worse.
I wanted to embrace the darkness, but couldn’t give up just yet. I lay there, trying to reach for the knife as tears blurred my vision. But the pain of every movement crushed me.
I tried to get up, but only wasted whatever energy I still had left. Lying there, all I could do was weep and wail.
I could feel my strength leaving me with every little twitch.
I heart the crunch of snow and saw black shoes stop in front of me.
He crouched down and brushed a strand of hair from my face.
“You trusted me. I like looking into your eyes as I crush that fragile trust of yours. What’s it like, to be betrayed by the man you love?”
His lips curved into a smile that looked more like a sinister grin.
“It hurts, I’m sure. I hope the pain’s insane, unbearable even.
I stabbed the knife just above your heart on purpose, to make sure you’ll suffer till your last moment.
I wanted your death to be slow. I want you to feel it with your whole body.
I’ve been planning it for a long time. I’ve thought everything through, down to the last detail.
Every day I’d imagine my revenge and fall asleep thinking about it. I became obsessed with it.”
His warm hand caressed my cheek .
With the last of my strength, I pushed his hand away from my cheek like it was filthy.
He gave me a weak smile.
His fingers slid down to my neck, clavicle and then my breasts. With one sweep, he jerked and pulled the knife out.
My body was in agony.
I screamed so loud it felt like my vocal cords were going to burst.
“Now you truly know how I felt.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about.
“And now. I’m going to sit back and watch as life slowly leaves your body.”
“You, monster,” I whispered.
“If I’m a monster, then who are you, Zoe?”
“What are you talking about?”
My eyelids grew heavy. I was on the verge of blacking out.
A wide grin appeared on his face. It was chilling. A smile of the true evil, a murderer.
“I’ll be waiting for you, vita mea .”
The darkness enveloped me, inviting me to fade into it.
A piercing monotonous sound hurt my ears.
Was this what my fate was going to be? Was I in hell? Was this my eternal punishment?
I tried to open my eyelids, but they were too heavy.
My whole body ached and whined. I felt incredible weakness and fatigue in every muscle.
I forced my eyes open with great effort.
My vision was blurry. I blinked and moved my eyes slowly. Once my vision came back to life, I saw a painting in front of me. It was The Dark Cloud.
Was I in his room? Didn’t he kill me? Why did he do this?
I slowly looked around the room .
I saw a large open window. A cool breeze blew the sheer curtains about. The room was milky white and my bed had no canopy. Pictures and paintings hung on the walls around the room.
Under the painting stood a tall oak chest of drawers. To the left was a stack of records and a record player.
Tears welled up in my eyes, stinging and giving me mixed feelings.
I was in my room.
At my own house.
I was home.
Tears ran down my cheeks, tickling my chin and neck.
Memories fell into place in my head like puzzle pieces.
The realization of everything that’d happened crushed my throat and chest.
I could barely breathe.
He did it.
I wanted to call for help, but could only let out a quiet, unintelligible moan.
I couldn’t move my neck.
I looked down, searching for a call button. Thankfully, it was left in my hand.
I tried pushing it, but my hands were too weak. I kept trying and trying, but my hands wouldn’t work.
I tried shifting in bed at least a little bit. My body wouldn’t move.
Arista entered the room. She was deep in thought until her eyes met mine.
Her eyes went wide when she saw me.
“I’ll call the doctor.”
I mumbled.
“What...”
She frowned, watching me with a worried look in her eyes .
“You’ve been paralyzed. You can’t talk or move. You’ve been in a coma for almost six months. I call the doctor.”
I moaned incoherently, because that’s what my screams sounded like.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I kept moaning and sobbing.