Chapter Forty-Four
Daisy, Now
I sit next to the tree like we’re two old friends taking in the view.
My mom loved this spot—it’s not the highest vista of the desert, but it encompasses everything, and I think that’s why she enjoyed stopping here.
The sepia-toned mountains, the flatlands, and the cluster of buildings spread out like a starburst.
“Hey, Mom,” I say, relishing the slight breeze coming from the north.
Two years and almost four months ago, I scattered my mother’s ashes underneath this very tree on her favorite trail.
The event was private, just for family and close friends.
My dad came, and Stacey, of course, along with Gwen and Bob for emotional support.
Another gust blows, and the canopy rustles. This species looks stunning in the wind, with branches that sway in slow motion. Of all the trees my mom could have adored, the one she loved most was called a Desert Museum tree.
“Maybe someday I’ll find that funny,” I mutter. “I’m sorry it’s been a while. My schedule was more than I could handle, and I…”
Excuses, that’s all I’ve got about my absence. I promised myself I would not go months or years without visiting. The last time I visited was the morning of the two-year anniversary of her death, and that feels so long ago.
We’re in for an extensive update today. I talk about Freddie’s upcoming doctor’s appointment.
About the RV Stacey and her husband want to buy.
I leave out how I’m scared to say goodbye to a living creature Mom loved so much, or how angry I am that I’ll never get to see her be a retired lady.
Not that I believe my mom can hear me or my thoughts anyway, because if she could, then she’s witnessing the shitshow of my life and doesn’t need a verbal report.
But sitting here is the closest thing I have to talking to her, even if all I’m doing is letting my voice drift into the atmosphere.
I tell her about Desert Daze.
“Max suggested it. Yes, that Max.” I can picture her face beaming with joy at his reappearance in my life. “We’re friends again. Or, we were. Then we were more than friends. Now…I fucked everything up. Like before.”
I worry my lower lip between my teeth, wishing with every cell of my being that she was here to comfort me over Max once more.
She would hold me while I cried and feed me and binge-watch Netflix shows with me.
Mom had the most understanding kind of love—she let me make my own choices then, and she would now, too.
Although I wonder what she’d think about the messages I’ve been ignoring.
“I’m so scared of what we could have together,” I say, my voice getting quiet.
“If I asked him to stay, he would. I just…” With my eyes trained on the horizon, I inhale deeply to temper my emotions.
“I want Max to have all the good things, not change his dreams because of me. He deserves everything because…”
Well, because I love him. I love Max—yes, romantically, but also as a friend, as a person, as a mentor to those students, and as a creative.
I love every version of him, and I hate the thought of him closing himself off to some other marvelous part of himself only to get bored with me. I can only ever be Daisy for him.
Just Daisy.
“I’m mad.” The dam breaks, and hot tears spill down my cheeks and onto my lap.
“Not just at me, but at you, too.” Mom wasn’t perfect, but she was perfect to me.
In my head, she ran The Mirage like the most knowledgeable, skilled business owner around.
The HVAC mistake is more than a scratch in her shining reputation; it’s a foundational crack that makes me wonder how else she cut corners and what other ill-advised decisions she made.
“I’ve always looked up to you,” I go on. “But fixing that heat pump, I mean…what were you thinking? And the repairman told me about it, but I…this is a mistake that I have to deal with now, and I don’t know if I can fix it.”
The future I’ve been avoiding is officially knocking on the door. Possibly letting go of The Mirage makes me sick to my stomach, but the other choice is spending my life doing a job I’m not even that good at. Either I lose her all over again, or I lose myself.
“This spot free?”
The familiar voice rattles me, and I turn to see my dad. Hoping he hasn’t been standing there for too long, I swipe my hands under my eyes.
“What’re you doing here?”
“Me and Oona hike this one every once in a while.”
“Where is she?”
He nods his head down the trail. “She wanted to give us some space.”
“Oh, that’s…” I like that she’s given us breathing room. “That’s nice. I didn’t know you came here.”
“Sometimes.” His knees crack as he sits down, and he groans. “I update her on things. Here, you should drink.” He hands me his water bottle. “What?”
“Nothing.” I school my surprise and take a hearty chug of the ice-cold water. How did I walk out the door and go down this trail without the essentials? “Just, I didn’t think you…um—”
“Cared?”
Hearing the phrase out loud, I know it’s wrong. Of course, he cared about my mom. It’s naive of me to assume that just because they didn’t live a fairytale marriage, he doesn’t care.
“Sorry.” I hug my knees to my chest, sheepish.
“I owe you an apology, too. We shouldn’t have asked to have the wedding at The Mirage.
That place means the world to you, and we got carried away with the idea of a wedding there.
It really sounded like a good idea at the time, but your boyfriend gave me a stern talking-to the other night, and he’s right.
I should never have put you in that position. ”
So that’s what their private conversation at Sal’s must have been. I set the water bottle between us and fake a cough to cover for my eyes burning. “Max isn’t my boyfriend.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” My dad fidgets, tucking a leg under his other knee. “Oona’s not trying to erase the past. She wants to celebrate it.”
“I know. I like her. I do. She’s a good match for you, and I want you to be happy, so I’m glad she’s that for you.
” The confession spills out. “But…I get frustrated thinking about how you can magically become this incredible partner to someone new. That’s not Oona’s fault.
Maybe it seems like I’ve been taking that out on her, but really, I want to take it out on you.
” Admitting all this feels like popping a festering blister, and I keep going for the relief every word grants me.
“The whole time you and Mom were married, you resented her for bringing you out here. And now that you’re marrying Oona, you wanna live here and be some doting husband, and I don’t understand why you couldn’t be that for Mom. ”
“I didn’t resent your mother,” he says, a mix of genuine hurt and shock on his face.
“You—” I stammer over my words, because I’m doubting my memories. “You fought all the time once we moved here.”
“We fought all the time before we moved here, too. You were just too young to remember.”
“Then why stay married?”
He sighs and leans back onto his hands, staring up at the leaves of the tree.
“We loved each other. And we wanted to be the parents you wanted—the people who you saw when things were good. We wanted that for you, and we did try. We were good friends, but maybe not the best lovers. It had nothing to do with being here, though.”
I process this revelation, drawing eerie parallels to my relationship with Max. “Do you think…” My eyes flash to my dad. “Is there any way it could have worked out between you two? Or was it always doomed from the start?”
He chuckles, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Doomed’s pretty dramatic.”
“You know what I mean.”
“We were stubborn. Honestly, after my contract ended, I thought she and I might come out here and retire early. We had the money stashed away for it, but she had other plans. I wanted to relax, enjoy. She wanted to work, have her own thing. Neither of us would budge on our vision. Looking back now, I—” His voice catches, and his eyes shimmer against the golden rays of sun.
“I wouldn’t have been so proud. I would have given up more.
It’s so good to have someone worth giving it all up for.
” He pats me on the knee. “And The Mirage—I know you love it, but it occupied her time like crazy. Twenty-five hours a day. I hate to see that happening to you.”
“It’s not bad.” I look out again at the horizon as the stillness of dusk covers the land. “I mean, yeah, it’s a lot sometimes.”
“If you need a hand, I’m here. You should feel like anything’s possible, not like you’re locked in to do this forever. I’d do anything to help you, if you’d let me. Your mom always wanted to do it on her own, to have it be her thing.”
I make a hm sound at the irony. “Sounds familiar.”
“Think about it, okay? And she might not be your favorite person, but Oona’s very organized. She’s a good one.”
“I know.” I give him a small smile and a hug in thanks.
What would it be like to lean on him with The Mirage?
I’ve spent the past two years micromanaging every aspect of the place in hopes Mom wouldn’t be forgotten, but it’s not only me who has memories there.
It belongs to Harlow just as much as it does to me.
Dad sighs again, this time deeper, and his cheeks are wet. I look up at the sky where stars have appeared against the watercolor backdrop. We sit there until the sun sets completely, letting the breeze dry our faces.