Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Matt leaned back in his chair, hands laced behind his head. Beyond the conservatory windows, the day was already warming up, clamouring for his attention, along with his dissertation.
Except his mind kept wandering in a different direction.
It’s been two days. Let it go.
He couldn’t.
He wasn’t embarrassed by what he’d watched on Owen’s TV and on his phone, more unsettled by how much it had affected him.
What does this say about me?
If it said anything at all.
That was the question that refused to let him get on with his morning.
And if I don’t do something about it soon, it’ll follow me through the rest of the day.
There was only one person he could talk to.
The thought made him wince. Saying it out loud would make it real.
He glanced at his phone. Just do it.
Matt scrolled until he found Eric’s number, then composed a short message.
Got time for a chat?
When his phone started vibrating, Matt went out into the garden. “Have I ever told you how happy it makes me that you’re another early bird?”
Eric snorted. “How about you get to the point? You’re not on video because I’ve literally just climbed out of the shower, and nobody needs to see that first thing in the morning.
” He paused. “Well… nobody but Garth, and he’s away on business.
Lucky for you, because if he were here, I wouldn’t be wasting my time talking to you. ” Another beat. “What’s happened?”
“I’ve had an interesting couple of days.”
“With Owen?”
Matt blinked. “How did you know?”
“Because last time we spoke you spent most of the time telling me about him before you remembered you were supposed to be talking about gardening.”
“I hate your photographic memory.”
“So?”
He took a breath. “I watched a film a couple of nights ago.”
Eric waited.
“A gay film.”
“Right.”
“A romance.”
Another pause. “And?”
Matt searched for the words. “It wasn’t what I expected.”
“What were you expecting? Blood? Explosions? Zombies?”
Matt laughed. “No… I just…” He frowned. “I expected it to be about sex.”
“And?”
“It wasn’t.” He looked across the garden. “Not really. It was about two people falling in love.”
Eric didn’t interrupt.
Encouraged, Matt found himself telling him everything else—the tenderness that had surprised him, the conversation he’d had with Owen afterwards, Owen’s matter-of-fact description of casual relationships, and the parties where everyone knew exactly what they wanted.
The part where he’d jerked off was not for public consumption.
Eric was quiet for a few seconds. “What you’re telling me is it wasn’t the sex.”
Matt frowned. “What?”
“The thing that’s got under your skin. You’re not talking about two blokes having sex.”
Matt opened his mouth, then closed it again.
“In fact, you’ve spent the last five minutes describing everything except that. We’ve had cooking, teasing, looking after each other… The only thing you don’t sound shaken about is the fact that they were two men. And that’s because it looked…” Eric left the sentence unfinished.
Matt found himself finishing it. “Nice.”
“More than nice, if I heard you right.”
He nodded, his heartbeat quickening. “It looked like… somewhere I’d want to be.”
Eric went quiet for a second or two. “I think you’re reacting to the fact they actually wanted each other. Not just physically. They wanted to spend time together. They made each other laugh. They looked after each other. What were they like when things got physical?”
Heat surged through Matt. “They couldn’t keep their hands off each other.” He stared out across the garden.
“Every time you talked about dating, you made sex sound like the bit you had to get through to keep the relationship going.”
Matt winced.
“These two were the opposite,” Eric continued. “The sex wasn’t replacing the relationship. It was growing out of it.”
He swallowed. “Yeah.”
“And that is the first thing I’ve ever heard you sound excited about.”
Silence.
Then Eric spoke again. “You know what I think?”
“What?”
“You’ve spent years assuming everyone wants sex first and feelings later.” He chuckled. “Then you stumble across a film where they already care about each other.”
Matt perched on the edge of a low wall. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.”
“And then Owen tells you he does the exact opposite.”
Matt frowned. “What do you mean?”
“He tells you he’s had the great love of his life. Now he keeps everything casual. No expectations, no commitments.”
“Yeah.”
“And you’ve been thinking about that ever since.”
Matt hadn’t realised it until Eric said the words. “You’re right.”
“So here’s the question. Does that life appeal to you, or are you just fascinated because it’s completely different from anything you’ve ever seen?”
Matt let out a slow breath. “I honestly don’t know.”
“I believe you.” Eric’s voice rang with sincerity. “But you don’t find answers to questions like that by sitting in front of your laptop analysing them.”
“No?”
Eric let out a wry chuckle. “Mate, all this time you’ve spent on your master’s, you’ve been analysing how films shape people’s expectations. And now you’re trying to analyse yourself the same way.”
Matt looked down at the grass.
“Life doesn’t work like a dissertation. You don’t gather all the evidence, write a conclusion, and then go out and live it.”
Matt huffed. “If it did, none of us would ever do anything.”
“You want to know if you’re attracted to men? Fine. You want to know whether Owen’s version of life appeals to you? Also fine. But you can’t answer either question by thinking harder.”
Matt was quiet.
“Owen invited you to that party for a reason.”
“He was just being friendly.”
“Maybe. Or maybe he saw someone who’s curious rather than judgmental.”
Matt thought about Owen saying, Consider it an education.
“Either way, go. Meet people. Watch. Talk. Ask questions if you want to. Dance if somebody drags you onto the floor.” Eric chuckled. “You don’t have to sleep with anyone. You don’t have to come home with a label. You don’t have to make any grand declarations.”
“Just… experience it?”
“Exactly.”
Silence stretched between them again.
Eric’s quiet voice filled his ear. “You know what you’ve been doing for years?”
“What?”
“Waiting until you know exactly how the story ends before you’re willing to turn the page.”
That found its mark, somewhere deep.
Eric laughed. “Mate… nobody gets to live like that.”
“No.”
“So stop trying to solve your entire life before you’ve lived the next chapter. You’re allowed to be curious.” Eric paused. “In fact, curiosity might be the best thing that’s happened to you in years.”
Owen’s words were still in his head.
‘Curiosity is rarely a bad place to start.’
Matt stared across the garden.
“One last thing before I get some caffeine into me and pretend I’m a functioning human being.
” Eric’s voice softened. “Owen says casual works for him. That’s his story.
But think about what he actually told you.
He had the love of his life. He lost him.
Owen isn’t avoiding relationships because he’s afraid of them.
He’s avoiding them because he’s already had the one he wanted. ”
He said as much, didn’t he?
“You’re twenty-five,” Eric continued. “You’ve never had anything like that.
So don’t assume his answer has to become yours.
” More beats of silence. “You don’t know what works for you yet.
Not because there’s something wrong with you, but because you haven’t met the person who makes you want to find out. ”
Matt gazed at the garden where the morning sun was warming the grass.
Maybe Eric’s right. I don’t need all the answers.
He just needed to stop being afraid of the questions.
Eric cleared his throat. “I’ll send you my invoice.”
Matt frowned. “Invoice?”
“For today’s therapy session. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to put on a suit, because if I walk into the office like this, I’ll make the front page of the Stirling Observer, or even worse, the Daily Record.” And with that, he hung up.
Matt sat on the wall, his mind turning over the conversation. The objective had been simple—clear his head and get back to his dissertation.
Epic fail.
He was thinking about Owen more than ever.
“Matt!”
He turned towards the house. Dad stood at the door to the conservatory, beckoning him.
“Breakfast.”
Matt stood, brushed off his shorts, and headed back. As he drew closer, Dad tapped his watch. “They’ll be here in half an hour.”
He blinked. “So soon?”
“Zach has to go into work, unfortunately, so he’s dropping Beth and Jamie off first.”
Matt stepped into the conservatory and sniffed. The aroma of bacon filled the air. He chuckled. “Never mind killing the fatted calf for the firstborn’s return—Zach gets his favourite food ever.”
“But then he smothers the bacon with ketchup,” Mum shouted from the kitchen.
Dad and Matt exchanged glances. Zach drowned everything in ketchup.
“That’s your coffee.” Dad pointed to a mug on the dining table.
Matt pulled out a chair and sat. “Thanks.”
Dad took the chair facing him. “Are you managing to get any work done on the dissertation?”
Matt frowned. “Of course. I’m actually ahead of schedule.”
Dad pursed his lips.
Matt smiled. “You know, Mum’s right. You’d be hopeless at poker.” He tilted his head. “What’s on your mind?”
Dad hesitated. “We just haven’t seen much of you the last few days. Every time I look, you seem to be over at Owen’s.”
“I work for him,” Matt pointed out. “Remember? The job you found me?”
Dad nodded. “But you also seem to be there when you’re not working. You didn’t get back until eleven last night.”
Matt sighed. “That wasn’t gardening. I’m doing him a favour.”
“What kind of favour?”
“Remember when I scanned all your old photographs?” Dad gave another nod. “I’ve started doing the same for Owen.”
Dad’s eyebrows climbed. “Started?”
Matt laughed. “Think how many photos you and Mum had, then multiply it by about ten. At least.”
“Bloody hell.”
“Exactly.”
Dad sat back in his chair. “That’s a lot of work.”
“It is.”
“And you’re doing it in your own time.”
Matt shrugged. “Someone ought to.”