Fourteen
A N HOUR LATER, I’M crying as I haul my suitcase onto my bed, unzipping it and staring at the jumbled clothes and toiletries inside.
I left my maid of honor dress in Boston, but I stuffed my expensive burgundy dress from the rehearsal dinner into my case with the rest of my stuff instead of hanging it carefully in a garment bag. It’s hopelessly wrinkled now. It might never recover.
Like my heart.
I tried so hard to be smart and mature about this relationship, but I ended up with a broken heart anyway. Isaac probably hates me now. Everything that was so pure and strong and beautiful between us has been crushed like my poor, pretty dress.
Even if the relationship didn’t have a future, the bright memory of it should have endured. But I ruined it.
Maybe I’m doomed to ruin everything.
Or maybe what I had with Isaac—even only temporary—wasn’t as special as I believed.
I’m working up toward another round of sobs when the sound of my doorbell breaks into my momentum. In a bewildered daze, I trudge toward my front door, opening it without even checking through the peephole.
I freeze at the sight of Isaac on the other side of the doorway.
He’s breathing heavily, perspiring slightly with his hair standing practically on end. His face twists when he sees me.
“I’m so sorry, River,” he bursts out. “I’m probably the last person in the world you want to see right now after the way I acted, but I can’t leave it like this. This thing—with you—has meant too much to me too. I can’t let it end the way I did back at the airport. I understand what you were saying, and I’d never push for something you didn’t want. But please...” His voice breaks. He sucks in a ragged breath. “Please let’s say a better goodbye.”
I make a gurgling sound and nod repeatedly since it’s the only method I currently have for communicating.
Isaac moves into my apartment, closing the door and locking the dead bolt before he turns to face me again. He steps forward and takes my tear-streaked face in both his hands. Tilts his head down. “Can we say goodbye like this instead?”
“Yes.” I’m still nodding. I can’t stop. “Yes, please.”
He kisses me then, and it changes the world.
Changes my world anyway.
Because I wasn’t wrong about what we had. Maybe it can’t last, but it was real.
It is real.
It’s thick and warm in the air between us right now.
I wrap my arms around him and open my mouth to his tongue. He’s shuddering with tension and feeling, and it’s filling me too. After a minute he straightens up and swings me up into his arms, carrying me toward the bedroom.
Breathless and still crying a little, I say, “Isaac.”
“Just let me do this, okay?” There’s a tiny smile on the corners of his mouth, although in his eyes is a much deeper, stormier emotion. “You gotta let me have one more moment.”
I giggle. Squeeze his neck and hold on until we’ve reached my bed.
The suitcase is still open on the foot, so Isaac moves to the other side, laying me down and then pulling off his gray sweater and the white T-shirt beneath it in one move.
As he toes off his shoes and undoes his jeans, I work on my own clothes, squirming out of my sweaterdress so I’m left in nothing but my bra, panties, and thigh-high argyle socks.
He’s staring at me hotly as he takes off his underwear. He already has a full erection, and it bounces as he climbs over me in bed. “I love those socks,” he murmurs before he kisses me again.
This kiss lasts longer. It’s deeper and slower with a passionate urgency that’s tinged with aching loss. After a while, he reaches around to unclasp my bra and I shimmy out of my panties, so I’m completely naked except for my socks.
He said he likes them, so I keep them on.
Eventually we manage to do more than kiss. He mouths his way down to my breasts while I clutch at his hair and caress his back and shoulders. My legs are spread wide, my knees bent and my feet flat on the mattress.
Isaac is sprawled between my thighs as he works on a nipple, and it’s undeniable. It’s where he belongs.
He’s trying to take his time and go slow, but he doesn’t have much patience. Neither do I. Soon I’m dragging him farther up my body and reaching down to move his erection into position.
“You ready, baby?” he asks hoarsely, lifting his head to search my face. He’s shaking very slightly.
“I’m ready. Please, Isaac. I need you inside me right now.”
He groans and shifts his hips, moving one hand to join mine on his erection. Together, we guide him into position until he’s edging the hard length of him inside me.
I whimper as my body softens around the penetration. I lift my feet and manage to wrap my legs around his middle on my second try.
He grunts and rocks his hips in a series of helpless jerks. “Fuck, River. You feel so good. You always feel so good.”
“So do you.” I twine my fingers in his thick waves. “I love doing this with you. I... love... this.” I take gasping breaths between every word.
He starts thrusting. Fast. Vigorous. Shaking the bed and my body, my hair, my heart. I’m too full of conflicting emotions to come easily, but I’m definitely responding physically. The deep momentum of an orgasm starts building.
I match his rhythm, and we maintain it for a long time, rocking together and gazing at each other and trying not to let it end too soon. But eventually the stimulation pushes me over the edge. I fall into climax with a loud sobbing sound.
Then I fall apart completely, crying messily as my inner muscles spasm around him and my body shudders through the waves of release.
He lets out a helpless moan as he falls out of rhythm, jerking clumsily as he finds his own release. Then he’s coming in hard spurts, claiming me. Filling me.
Giving me everything.
I’m still crying a little when he collapses on top of me and tucks his head into the crook of my neck. I hold on to him with my arms and my legs as his body softens. I don’t want to let him go.
But I have to. We made a decision, and if it’s this hard to say goodbye right now, what will it feel like a year from now after we’ve muddled through a long-distance relationship until we reach the inevitable end point?
If we were in love. Serious. Committed to a long-term relationship. Maybe then the long-distance would be doable for a limited amount of time.
But we’re just starting. I can’t demand that Isaac declare his eternal devotion so early in a relationship.
Even if his eternal devotion is what I want.
That’s the stuff of flighty daydreams. The heady, giddy heights of hopes and prayers. But life isn’t lived up there in the sky.
Life is lived down here on the ground, where relationships can’t always work out.
Tears are streaming out of my eyes again when Isaac finally straightens his arms to lift his upper body and meet my gaze. “Thank you, River. For what you gave me just now. And for everything.”
My face contorts with surging emotion. “Thank you. I’ll never forget you.”
“Me either.” His voice is hoarse. His features twist as he pushes himself up to a sitting position. After breathing heavily for a minute, he stands up. “I’ll leave now. While it’s good between us.”
“Okay. Thank you for coming by. For making this better.” I keep swiping tears away, but they won’t stop.
He jerks his head to the side with another ragged breath. Then nods. “I’m leaving now.”
A tiny flicker of my old spirit emerges through the aching fog. “Don’t forget to put on your clothes first.”
He huffs a few times as his shoulders shake. Then he turns away from me abruptly as his shoulders shake even more.
I’m silent until he gives a small half shrug and reaches down for his clothes.
When he’s dressed, he leans over to kiss me softly.
I lie in bed and watch as he walks away from me once more.
***
A T TWO IN THE AFTERNOON on Tuesday, I’m sitting on the floor of my living room, wrapped up in a velvet-soft fleece blanket and hugging my knees to my chest as I watch my show and occasionally eat another spoon of melting cookie-dough ice cream.
I’m already almost through the second season of a cheesy fairy-tale-themed television show.
I might feel better if I had the distraction of work, but months ago I thought taking the week after the wedding off from work was a good idea so I could rest and recover. That leaves me nothing but sweets and comfort shows.
I was hoping that each day would feel a little better, but neither yesterday nor today have been any better than Sunday night. All of it is terrible. I’ve lost Isaac, and I’ll never get him back.
What if I never feel this way about a man ever again? What if all I’m left with are comfortable, shallow relationships like with Cash or nothing at all?
I’m fast-forwarding through a scene I don’t like when my doorbell rings. For just a moment, I hope it’s Isaac, but something inside me knows it’s not. I heft myself up and go to open the door.
It’s Raven. Standing there and looking stylish but casual in her slouchy cropped sweater, man-style trousers, and designer ankle boots.
“Wh—” My mouth falls open, and I can’t complete the word.
“Aren’t you going to let me in?”
“Of course.” I step out of the way. “What are you doing here? You should be on your honeymoon!”
“We don’t leave until Friday. You know that.”
“Sure, but you should be with him. You just got married a few days ago.”
“I know. But you sounded terrible yesterday when we talked. I know you said it was nothing, but I don’t believe you. And everything is a mess at home. Mom is all twisted in knots over the fight. She really wants to apologize, but she doesn’t think you want to hear from her. And Dad keeps lecturing everyone on how we’ve never treated you right and we need to start making up for it. Right now.” She flashes a sheepish smile. “So I came to check on you.”
If I hadn’t been crying for two days straight, I might have cried again in response to all that information. Instead, I hug my chest and work my face as I process what she’s saying. What it means. “Really?”
“Yes, really. I’ve been a bitch and a major bridezilla lately. I know that. But you’re my sister. And I want you to be all right.”
I sniff a couple of times. “I think I’m okay.”
“You don’t look okay.”
“I broke up with that guy I was seeing.”
“I thought that might have been it. You never wanted to talk about him much, but you were into him. I know you were. I’ve never seen you like that before. What happened?”
“We... It just didn’t work out. We would have had to be long-distance, and we were just getting started. It would have been too hard. So we did the smart thing and ended it.”
She’s frowning as she peers at me. “That’s not like you.”
“What isn’t?”
“To get caught up in practicalities. To worry more about what’s smart than what feels right to you.”
“It’s not just about me,” I say, ducking my head and staring at my hardwood floors. “It takes two people to make a relationship work. And we weren’t... serious enough to make it work.”
“Oh. I see.” She shakes her head. “It seems like you were serious about it, but we don’t have to hash it all out right now. So here’s what we’re going to do.”
“What?” I blink at her blankly.
“I’m not going to leave you here alone with all that.” She gestures toward my blanket and melting ice cream and TV show. “I’ve got two tickets for a flight back to Boston this evening. So we can clean things up here and then fly back home. You stay with us for the rest of your week off, and you can fly back here on Sunday.”
“But... But your honeymoon.”
“I’m still leaving on Friday with Jared. But you can get some time at home to relax and enjoy yourself. No one will be a prima donna or give you work to do. Mom wants to make it up to you, and Dad will feel a lot better when he sees you’re okay.” She pauses and slants me a little look. “So will I.”
I swallow hard.
“And maybe you will too. It will definitely be better than staying here and doing this.”
I think for only a minute, but what she’s describing sounds better than anything else I have available. “Okay. Let’s do that.”
Raven’s face reflects a wave of relief. “Good. So let’s get things cleaned up here, and you can tell me exactly why you gave up on a man you’re completely in love with.”