Chapter 23 #2
We did our usual loop outside, and since I still felt shaky and off, we did a wider loop, and wider still when none of that helped.
It was growing dark, and I didn’t feel like fending off a coyote—an ever-present issue here, somehow, the second-biggest city in the nation with wildlife challenges of the old wild west—so I finally gave up feeling better and went home.
“Want to go for a drive?” I asked Rosie, who panted at me like I must have been joking. “We can go to In-N-Out.”
At that she spun around in three circles, fell over, and hopped up again, so I scooped her up and carried her to the Porsche.
Once she was safely buckled into the back, I turned up my stereo and took off.
The 5 was empty, even for a Sunday evening, and I flew.
The car and me, we felt the curves of the road, we knew when to lean in and when to push it.
I could practically feel the wind in my hair and the night on my skin.
Even when I was young, driving a hand-me-down from Andy that had been a hand-me-down from one of our older brothers, when emotions I didn’t understand—or didn’t want to understand—crashed around in me and I didn’t know what else to do, there was always an open freeway and my stereo cranked up to eleven.
Because what else was there to do? I’d messed things up with Aisha but I didn’t know how not to, considering everything in my life that didn’t fit with the kind of friendship she deserved from me.
Andy wasn’t on my side—I loved Andy for treating me the way he always had, but I guessed occasionally I understood why some stars surrounded themselves with yes-men—and I hated the implications of that.
Plus Rebecca. Rebecca! The most baffling, frustrating, confusing person I’d ever known, acting as if something had been possible between us and then acting as if I was the bad guy for knowing it hadn’t been.
Except that, also, I was the bad guy. No princess at all.
The thing was that I felt crushingly, humiliatingly, stupidly transparent.
My life was such a gift and also such a—curse was too strong, but it made so many things so hard.
It didn’t make sense to me that Aisha, Andy, and Rebecca couldn’t see what I was fighting.
The three of them knew me—actual me. How had everything gone so sideways when it all seemed so obvious?
Or maybe it was because they did know the actual me, the villain inside, just another truth I kept hidden from the world.
Flashing lights appeared behind me, and I was always so careful of my speed that I merged to a slower lane to let them by. The lights merged over, too, and when I glanced down at the speedometer, I realized I’d slowed down to ninety miles an hour.
“Be good, baby,” I told Rosie as I pulled over onto the shoulder. “We don’t bark at cops.”
The officer asked if I knew how fast I was going, and I wasn’t sure if I should admit that I did. I was honest about where I was headed, since it was no crime to treat one’s best friend to French fries, and handed over my ID when asked.
“Please wait here with the car engine off. I’ll be back,” the officer told me, walking back to his car, betraying no sense of whether he knew that he’d nabbed Professional Actress Tess Gardner.
I glanced into the rearview mirror at Rosie, grateful she didn’t know enough to be disappointed in me. “Sorry, girlie. Hopefully this won’t take long and we can get back on the road.”
I watched the officer in the rearview mirror, too, the look of delight on his face when he called it in.
He knew, or at least he did now. If I were smart I’d fire off a quick warning text to Erica, but that sounded like an even worse addition to my evening, so I just waited, hands at ten and two.
It took a while, but eventually the cop was back with my license, paperwork, and the speeding ticket.
I’d gotten sloppy, and that had finally caught up with me.
For all I yelled about the awards-worthy reputation I was building, I hadn’t glanced at the speedometer until it was too late.
I knew where I wanted to place the blame, but it was something that had been there way before fame or Princess Platinum or future Oscars.
Something inside me, clawing its way out, that could split me into pieces.
Professional Actress Tess Gardner and whatever was left.
Erica called early the next morning, before I’d even gotten up for yoga. Did I care about yoga anymore? Sure, I was limber, but it had taken a bunch of orgasms to actually feel at one with my own body, so did any of it matter?
“I’m trying to figure out why you didn’t immediately get in touch last night,” Erica said, as I shoved on my glasses and googled my name. “TMZ Exclusive: Vindicators Star Tess Gardner Nabbed for Reckless Driving at Speeds Topping over 100 MPH.”
“Honestly, it makes me sound cool,” I said, because male celebrities did things like this all of the time and it only furthered their reputations, and suddenly I found myself angry about that too.
Professional Actress Tess Gardner’s brand wasn’t cool but it was a nice thought on a morning like this one, alone in my bed getting lectured by someone I hated.
“Have you read the entire piece?” Erica snapped.
I skimmed. When asked why she was speeding, Ms. Gardner reportedly said she was taking her dog to In-N-Out.
“Are you laughing?” Erica asked.
“I’m sorry,” I said, though I was, against my better judgment. My better judgment was gone! “I’m happy to issue an apology taking a stance against reckless driving.”
“Fantastic,” she said as if it were not. “Look, you’ve got the show opening in a week and a half. Can you manage to stay off everyone’s radars until then? Fingers crossed you’ll get some good reviews, the Times piece will be mostly fawning, and you’ll roll right into Vindicators 4.”
I agreed and hung up, snuggled against Rosie and went back to sleep for another half hour instead of worrying about yoga.
When I walked into the theatre, the entire company applauded, even though I’d sort of forgotten that theatre people followed mainstream pop culture news too.
The world kept sneaking into this safe space. Well, the world and my own nonsense.
“Wow, Tess,” Michael said. “We really should have let you valet when you asked.”
“Don’t,” I said, because it had only been funny when I thought that none of these people knew about it.
“Let’s get started,” Rebecca said, less smooth and more, potentially, annoyed. She looked the same, though, blazer and T-shirt with jeans and loafers, hair back, statement frames. “I’d love to try running act one now that tech is locked, but I’m ready for it to take some time.”
Kevin spoke softly to her, and she nodded.
“Actually, let’s start in five, we’ve got a few things to confer on.”
I headed backstage, where I wouldn’t have to hear or see her while she knew I was this much of a disaster. A set of footsteps followed me, and I spun around to see Kathleen. “Did they change their minds again? Are we starting now?”
“It’s going to be at least five minutes, probably ten, you know how slow Kevin goes with his notes first thing in the morning.” She walked up beside me. “How’re you doing, darlin’?”
“Bad,” I said. “It’s terrible timing to start being so obvious about everything, I know.”
“You want to talk about it?” she asked gently.
“No,” I said, as tears flooded my eyes. “It’s just that I had this thing where I got to be happy, and I knew it was doomed from the start, and for some reason I pretended it wasn’t, and now—I don’t know why I feel this way. I knew what I signed up for.”
Kathleen hugged an arm around me and squeezed. “Never mind everything I said the other week. You still seem very young to me, hon. When everything seems so big and insurmountable.”
“This actually is big and insurmountable,” I said, still crying. “My—the person I was seeing—it’s over. I was doing fine without anyone but—I don’t know how I can go back to feeling that way. And it doesn’t matter because—”
“Shhhh,” she said, not letting go of me. “This is a hard time, and far from the first relationship to struggle during tech. I’d hardly count it over yet, give it a little time.”
I stepped back and stared at her, because there was something about the way she’d said during tech. “You know.”
She held up her hands like I’d caught her in the midst of a crime. “Only as of very recently!”
“Does everyone?” I asked, though that felt unlikely, given the reaction to me and my speeding ticket. It wasn’t a particularly tight-lipped group.
“I don’t think so,” she said. “She posted a selfie to her Instagram stories the other week, and there was a little flash of green in the background. Literally the only thing I’ve seen my entire life that color is your car.
And she’s seemed—well, you know as well as I do—ha, better, I’d say!
—that she’s a consummate professional. But there’s been something at her edges the past few days. I put two and two together.”
“Do you hate me?” I ask, and she cackled.
“No, god, don’t be stupid,” she said, and I found myself laughing too. “You’re going to be fine. Next thing Michael says, I swear I will kick his ass.”
I hugged her tightly. “That would hardly be a fair fight.”
Ashlee walked in and managed to throw her arms around me while Kathleen was still hugging me, and Henry found us that way and we all laughed.
“I’m not sure I should pile on here,” he said, and patted my shoulder. “You good? Rebecca’s making a face like most of her cast disappeared and we should probably get back to it, and you know how scared I am of her, so.”
“Yeah,” Kathleen said, “she’s good.”
I nodded, even though I wasn’t. I wanted to be, and I owed it to them. “Let’s get back to it.”