Chapter 17
seventeen
. . .
The first few days without Kier were intentional, necessary even.
I told myself I needed space to think clearly without his voice in my ear or his presence distracting me from what my intuition had been trying to tell me all summer.
I ignored his calls and left his texts unanswered.
However, by the middle of the week, the silence stopped feeling empowering and started feeling devastating.
Everything reminded me of him in the most irritating ways.
Songs I normally skipped suddenly made me think about us cruising in Malibu or him playing music for me in his intimate studio sessions.
Every time my phone lit up, my heart skipped a beat before I even looked at the screen.
I kept expecting him to text me something short and aggravating like “You done?” or “Stop acting up.” Instead, the messages became less frequent.
That should’ve made things easier; but somehow, they got worse.
I immersed myself in work, letting it become my main distraction.
I stayed later than normal, volunteered for extra tasks, and buried myself in presentations until my eyes hurt from staring at spreadsheets and charts all day.
Even my coworkers started noticing the change in me.
But the moment I got home, everything hung right back over me again.
The quiet in my apartment felt louder now.
I hated eating dinner alone. Hated watching movies without hearing Kier randomly critique my horror choices halfway through the movie.
I even caught myself reaching for my phone one night because I wanted to tell him something funny before realizing we weren’t speaking.
I was the one not speaking to him.
I missed him. I missed how naturally he fit into my routine.
How safe I felt sleeping against him. How easily he pulled me out of my head when I started overthinking things.
And that was the problem, because the more I longed for him, the harder it became to tell myself leaving was the right decision.
I avoided my sister and Treasure’s text messages as much as I could until they eventually started calling instead.
And when I finally answered, I kept the conversations short, steering them away from anything involving Kier before they could even bring him up.
I didn’t want advice, reassurance, or anybody trying to help me sort through my feelings.
Whatever decision I made about Kier needed to be mine, not something influenced by outside opinions, frustration, or temporary hurt.
Still, avoiding the conversation didn’t stop me from thinking about him constantly.
It just meant I was stuck alone with it.
I had to admit, I was disappointed in myself.
I’d done so much hard work trying to let my guard down, just to allow one incident to build every wall right back up again.
And the worst part was knowing it wasn’t entirely about Maya.
It was the fear of looking stupid. Fear of loving somebody more than they loved me.
Fear of getting comfortable, only to have everything pulled out from under me later.
My mind became my own worst enemy, and it probably cost me the love of my life.
By the end of the second week, my routine had become painfully predictable.
Work, home, sleep and repeat. It wasn’t helping me make peace nearly as much as I’d convinced myself it would, but it gave me something to do besides think.
That evening, I shut my laptop, gathered my things, and made my way toward the employee parking garage, planning to spend the rest of the evening curled up on my couch with a movie and more tears.
I loathe parking garages. I had this fear of them collapsing on top of me or me being chased by a crazed killer—courtesy of my slasher flicks, I guess.
My fear had increased more recently. I’d been staying at work later than normal, so the parking garage was quieter than usual by the time I got off.
Today, most of the staff had cleared out, leaving behind scattered cars and the distant echo of tires screeching somewhere on the lower level.
Eerie. My heels clicked steadily against the concrete as I headed toward my truck, mentally exhausted and ready to go home.
I wasn’t thinking about much besides getting out of there. Until I saw him.
Kier leaned against my Jeep, one hand tucked into the pocket of his slacks while the other held an obnoxiously large bouquet of roses.
The flowers were a beautiful deep white with black wrapping around the stems. They were dramatic enough to immediately get on my nerves because I knew they would work on me. He looked even better.
A black suit jacket rested perfectly across his broad shoulders, but underneath it was just a plain white tee stretched across his chest. His gold chain sat against his skin, catching the harsh garage lighting every time he shifted.
Even from a distance, he looked good enough to make me angry all over again. I was irritated.
After two weeks of silence, crying, spiraling, and trying to convince myself I was doing the right thing—my body still reacted to him instantly.
Even now, I wanted to stop and turn the other way, but my feet treaded faster in anticipation of being next to him.
Butterflies filled my stomach, and my eyes swept over him before I could stop them.
Kier noticed too. His mouth almost twitched like he wanted to smile, but he held it back. Instead, he pushed himself off my Jeep slowly, with his attention completely locked on me. For a second, neither of us moved.
“You left.”
His voice echoed against the concrete walls.
It was low, but hearing it again after two weeks still did something to me.
The garage suddenly felt more comfortable than it did thirty seconds ago.
My eyes drifted back to the flowers in his hand before landing on the gold chain resting against his chest.
I didn’t answer right away, considering he caught me off guard. Kier looked at me, and his eyes were almost pleading for a response. Finally, I took a deep breath, attempting to keep calm when all I wanted to do was scream or cry because, after going two weeks without seeing him, he was here.
“I did. I didn’t think it through.”
“That’s funny, Si. You think everything through more times over. That’s why we’re here now.”
“That’s not fair, Kier.”
“But ghosting me is?” He asked, cocking his head when he spoke.
“I did what I thought was right at the moment.”
“You left in the heat of the moment, I can halfway respect it.” He shook his head once. “But avoiding me for weeks? Now, that’s fucked up. I would never do that to you. You owe me some kind of explanation.”
“No, you owe me one!” I snapped, cutting him off. My voice elevated before I could stop it. “All you do is feed me one-liners and think I’m supposed to be okay with it. I went with the flow all summer, now it’s time for you to start talking.”
“This can’t be about Maya.”
“And why not? This is about Maya, and—”
“No, Sibley. You’re not about to act like this is about anything other than your insecurities!”
“Insecurities?!” I scoffed in surprise.
“Yes! I kept you on a pedestal all summer. It’s been about you and only you. What has happened that got you questioning us?”
For a minute, neither of us said anything. Tensions were too high. I couldn’t speak for him, but I felt like if we kept going, we’d escalate and say something we both regretted. Pausing was very necessary. Kier took a deep breath and said,
“I shouldn’t have said you were insecure, my bad. But I need you to talk to me, baby.”
Sighing, I said, “I just…” I paused, trying to find the right way to say it. “It kept happening. I just felt like there were too many instances where she showed up. Every time she came around, I felt threatened.”
I hated how that sounded.
“How, Sibley? I never paid that girl any mind.”
“That’s what you think. But she has been everywhere, Kier. Malibu, Houston, and New York. You never introduced me to her, and when I asked you about her, you brushed me off. Any woman would feel like there is something there.”
“But I told you it wasn’t.”
“And I’m telling you that’s not good enough.” That was the first time I didn’t soften it. “Nothing shows up that many times and still be nothing. So I am going to ask you again, and I need real answers. What is the story with you two, and why is she everywhere?”
“Maya is an A&R talent consultant.” He answered without hesitation.
“For Stone Records?”
“No. We worked together in the past, though. She’s brought me a few artists here and there. She’s not randomly showing up, Sibley. The industry isn’t as big as people would like to think. I wish it was a way to work around it, but that’s not always the case.”
He leaned against my truck and I shifted from one foot to the next. I gave him a minute to say more, but he seemed satisfied with his response. But I wasn’t.
“Kier, you all messed around. Stop dancing around that part of the conversation.”
“You have a past too, Sibley.” He retorted.
“My past didn’t follow me across the country all summer!”
“May as well. You’re treating me like I’ve done something to you. I’m not that nigga.”
“And you still haven’t told me what I wanted to hear.”
“Which is what baby, I’m being as honest as I can be!”
“How long did yall- I mean I guess it doesn’t matter.”
“Sibley, Maya and I messed around for about six months, until she told me she was pregnant. Not gon lie, I was confused as hell because I always wrapped it up, but I know mistakes happen, and there could have been slip ups on drunken nights. I can’t say for sure.”
I paused at his revelation. For the first time since seeing him, I stopped thinking about myself completely. I tried to process what he had just said.