Chapter Thirteen
KAZEYUKI WAS NOT A man who did things slowly.
Carefully, yes. And thoughtfully, as all doctors would. But he also did things efficiently because when one was in the business of saving lives, every second mattered.
Careful. Thoughtful. Efficient.
None of it was synonymous to slow, and yet that was the only way to describe how he was moving now, with how he was taking his time to close the door.
Because he knew...once he was done...
Ah, God.
The lock caught with a soft click, and the penthouse settled into its usual silence around them. There was nothing left for him to stall for time, nothing for him to use so he could delay the inevitable.
God.
A small part of him was ashamed and disgusted.
It made him feel weak, with the way his whole being suddenly found it necessary to call out to God at his weakest moment.
But the rest of him...didn’t care. Because that was what life hitting rock bottom did to a person.
It stripped down every layer of defense and falsehood, and the only thing left was the truth.
God was real.
And right now...
He found himself calling out in quiet desperation as he slowly turned to Katherine—
Please.
Because he had a feeling what they had was about to end...when it never even had a chance to be real.
Katherine was standing by the window. Not looking out of it. Just standing near it the way people stood near exits, her back rigid, and she was hugging herself as if she was already prepared to protect herself...from him.
Their gazes met, and what Kazeyuki saw had him taste something he hadn't tasted for a long, long time.
Dread.
And it was exact same kind of dread that gutted him decades back, when he had been at the police station, and even though his father hadn't said anything to him, a part of him had already sensed that something bad was about to happen...just like he did now.
"P-Please tell me the truth."
Her voice was shaking, but it was how she was looking at him that had his fists clenching against his sides as a single word slowly destroyed him from within.
Impart.
It pounded the walls of his brain and clawed at his chest. It made his heart feel like it was about to explode because he knew—
"A girl killed herself because of me over twenty years ago."
To impart the truth was to let her know he was nothing but a liar.
"I was cruel to her. And she couldn't take it."
But Katherine...
She was already shaking her head even before he had finished speaking. "There has to be more than that."
Even now, she wanted to see the best of him.
"So tell me."
Even now, it was in her voice, the desire to comfort him despite Kazeyuki being the reason she was hurting.
"Tell me, please."
And so he did.
He left nothing out. Even the part of him that hated Inori for making things inconvenient. And the part that had started wearing a mask...in order to sleep at night.
"I'm so, so sorry."
She had started crying again, and he was tempted, ah, how tempted he was to just leave it there.
"I'm afraid there's more."
But he didn't...because the truth couldn't be the truth if it wasn't complete.
"A list, specifically, that Anastase gave me at my request."
"A l-list?"
"I asked for his help," he said tonelessly. "I wanted to fool you into thinking I love you back—"
She started to sway, and Kazeyuki moved the moment he saw it—
"No!"
But for the first time since knowing Katherine, she was jerking away from his touch, her shoulder even hitting the wall behind her, so great was her seeming fear to be reached by him, and ah, God, the look in her eyes as she started looking around like a helplessly trapped animal.
God, oh God.
The distance she had managed to put between them was less than three feet, but it was the farthest she had ever been from him, and it hurt. God, how it hurt, because he knew it was all his fault.
"I got it all wrong," Kazeyuki said hoarsely. "I thought I needed—"
"S-Stop."
She was already shaking her head, and somehow—
"I'm in love with you, Katherine. I never needed the list—"
That made him start speaking like he was about to run out of time.
"Or maybe Anastase lied, and the list was to make me realize what everyone knew—"
"That I was an idiot?" she sobbed out.
"Don't say that—"
"Why? Are you afraid I might kill myself like Inori?"
"No."
He didn't even have to think to answer this.
"You would never do that."
And he knew every word was true. Katherine would never be the type to kill herself.
She was shaking her head again, but wildly this time. "Just stop, please! I don't want to hear anymore—"
Just like he also knew he was the one killing her now.
He tried reaching for her again. "Katherine—"
"No!"
And the way she was looking at anywhere but him—
"I j-just can't stop thinking that I f-forced you—"
Kazeyuki whitened. "You didn't—"
"Please stop lying," Katherine said brokenly. "We both know...we both know I forced you to lie and lie and lie—”
“It’s not like that—”
“Because I kept jumping to the craziest conclusions—"
"It was not crazy—"
"But it was."
Three words.
Just three words that she had whispered, and it was enough for Kazeyuki to see how she was already unraveling and spiraling.
"I t-thought you were in love with me—"
Because of him.
"I t-thought you...I thought you..."
Kazeyuki could not remember feeling this powerless as all he could do was watch the girl he loved start falling into pieces, and even though pain had destroyed her ability to speak—
Words were unnecessary at this point.
Because whether she would ever forgive him or not, it would no longer change what he already knew would always stay true.
He loved her. Had always loved her and would always love her, and that was why...
What she saw in her mind, he saw, too.
Dr. Collington asked me to marry him, and I said yes.
And what she felt now, he felt, too.
A lie. All a lie. Everything a lie.
Because what broke Katherine's heart also broke his, and that was why—
Inhibit.
The final unchecked item on his list. It all started making sense now. The things that didn't use to make sense—it was because he was looking at the list with eyes that didn't yet see.
But now that Kazeyuki knew the truth...
A kiss meant to open his eyes. A name meant to open his heart. A shared place to see their true selves. An instinct that only love could yield, a truth that only love could impart, and finally...
God.
Oh God.
Her tears unlocked the last word on his list—
"Tomorrow," Kazeyuki heard himself say hoarsely. "Can we talk about all of this tomorrow? And if you still want to go—I won't stop you."
Because he loved her, and so what she wanted, he would want, too.
Even if it meant inhibiting his own desires, his own needs—
God, help me.
The sight of her still crying nearly ripped him apart, with how she had her arms wrapped around herself even more tightly, as if they were all that was holding herself together.
Help me, please.
Because he had already made up his mind.
Please.
Whatever she chose, he would choose.
Because he loved her.