CHAPTER 4
CARA
Rafe just held me and allowed me to cry for the longest time.
I didn’t even lift my head from where I had it pressed against his chest, just resting there and feeling safe in his arms as all of the pain, fear, and loss just flowed out of me until eventually I must have cried myself beyond exhaustion and passed out.
When I opened my eyes again, hours later, Rafe was still holding me. The blinds in the room had been pulled closed but I could see from where I sat in Rafe’s lap that sunlight was peeking around the edges of them.
The sun had risen and day had come, but nothing had changed. Gia was still gone, and I still felt lost in the wreckage of all that had happened.
I lifted my head enough to see Rafe, wide awake and just watching me. His eyes were bloodshot, and swollen and he looked as broken as I felt.
“Hi,” he whispered with the hint of a shaky smile. I knew he was faking that for me.
I reached for his hand, wrapping it in my own, and held it tightly. There was so much I wanted to say, and yet words still wouldn’t come. Something inside of me was stopping me from breaking my silence and I was too worn down to even try and push it.
Instead, seeing Rafe’s phone on the bed beside him, I reached for it, gasping in pain as it tore through my centre and through my body at the slight movement.
The doctor had told me the stitches she had put in would be painful and she hadn’t exaggerated. Everything seemed to hurt. I felt like I had been hit by a truck before being dragged to the side of the road to be violated repeatedly.
“Stay still, sweetheart. No moving if it causes you pain. Do you want my phone?” Rafe asked softly, and I nodded.
He didn’t even ask me why. He just picked it up and held it to his face to unlock the screen, then handed it to me. My hand was still shaking before me and I wondered if it would ever stop this time.
Opening Rafe’s Notes app, I typed two words.
I’m sorry
“Don’t Cara. You have nothing to apologise for.”
Gia. If I had never come here she’d be alive. I never should have called you that day.
I sniffled as tears filled my eyes again, and I pressed my free hand over them, fighting not to let them fall. I didn’t deserve to cry. It was my fault Gia was gone.
“No. You do not do that. Are you listening? What happened to Gia was not your fault. Our mother got to her long before you even came back into our lives. This was her doing,” he told me firmly.
“Nothing would ever make me want to change that day you reached out to me, sweetheart. Having you back in my life means more than you could ever know. I just…I wish Gia had realised what we all could have had if she would only have tried to see the truth beyond the lies that bitch fed her,” he went on emotionally.
I tried to save her. He was a monster. I tried to warn her, but she wouldn’t listen.
“I know. Arran told me everything. You did everything you could, but Gia was too far gone. I think she might have started to develop some mental health issues recently, which I missed. I just thought she was acting out,” he told me with so much regret, it was palpable.
This wasn’t your fault either. You did everything you could to look after her. You loved her. She knew that, Rafe.
“I wish I could believe that,” he said unsteadily.
He swiped a hand across his eyes and I knew he was struggling.
“Hopefully, she’ll find peace now,” he added, then took a deep shuddering breath, as if trying to get a hold of his emotions.
I hated that he thought he needed to. “How are you feeling? I can get the nurse to give you some more pain medication if you need it?”
No. No more drugs. Cal?
Rafe turned us a little and when I glanced over my shoulder I could see Cal laid in a bed right beside my own.
He was fast asleep and, apart from the cut on his head, he looked good.
Arran was in a chair at the far side of Cal’s bed, his head hanging down, and I assumed he was asleep.
Last but not least, Dario was on the floor, sat with his back propped up against the wall, right beside the door into the room.
I thought he was asleep at first, but he lowered his head from where it had been leant back against the wall and his eyes met mine.
Everyone but Rafe seemed to have changed into clean clothes. Dario was wearing sweats and a hoody – the relaxed kind of clothing I didn’t even think he owned.
“We’re all here, Piccola. My Mum came too, to bring food and clean clothes for us all. She said she’d come back later if you wanted her to,” he told me gently.
When can we go home?
I typed then turned the phone and looked to Rafe again.
“Soon. The doctors want to check on you and Arran again, since you both had concussions, and Cal needs to get the all clear from his surgery before we can leave.”
Is Cal alright?
I typed quickly, with worry, turning it to Rafe as I turned to look at Cal again. He seemed peacefully asleep, though.
“He’s fine, sweetheart. The final checks are just a box ticking exercise. He has a cast on his leg, and he’ll be on crutches for at least four weeks, but he’ll be fine,” Rafe explained.
And Gia? Where is she now?
“At the undertakers. I’ll need to make arrangements for the funeral, but you don’t need to worry about that. I just want you to concentrate on healing for now,” he told me.
I’ll help. You can’t plan the funeral alone.
“I’ll be fine. I can handle it. You don’t need to worry about me. You need to allow us all to take care of you now,” he told me firmly.
“What’s wrong?” Dio asked.
“Cara’s fretting about me planning Gia’s funeral alone.”
“He won’t be doing it alone. I’ll help him. We’ll handle everything, Carr. You just do as Rafe says, and take care of yourself, okay?” Dio spoke up as he rose to his feet and walked over to the bed, perching at the foot of it.
I’ll be okay
I typed. It was a lie, but one that Rafe needed right then.
“You have to be. I can’t lose you too, Cara. Do you understand? You can’t leave me now. Never,” Rafe told me tearfully as he clutched me tightly and pulled me against him.
“Easy, Rafe. Remember that she’s badly bruised,” Dio jumped in, just as Rafe’s hug became a little too tight.
“Fuck!” Rafe gasped as he released me and sniffled loudly. “Sorry, Gioia. I just need you to be safe right now.”
“She will be. We’ll make sure of it,” Dio promised as he pressed a supportive hand to Rafe’s shoulder.
Rafe nodded, then lifted his head to the ceiling as he seemed to try and gather himself again. I pushed out of his arms so I could wrap my own around his waist and just hold him. It wasn’t enough when he was falling apart before me, but it was all I had to offer right then.
“We’re going to get you a therapist, Cara.
I want you to start talking to a professional at least once a week,” Rafe announced as he came back to me and wrapped his arms around me too.
“I know you’re not keen on the idea, but you’ve been through so much.
Too much. I need you to get help to deal with it all. Can you at least try it out, for me?”
Talk?
I held the phone up so they could both see it, trying for a shaky smile at the irony.
“Is there a reason you’re not talking? Did your throat get injured? Arran didn’t seem to think so, but he didn’t see everything,” Rafe asked.
I placed a hand over my throat, one of the few places on my body that didn’t hurt, then shook my head.
“Then what’s going on, Cara?” Dio asked gently. I lifted my head and glanced to him, then started typing.
I don’t know. I didn’t want to make any sound when they were hurting me. Men liked the sounds I used to make before, when I was a kid. They told me to cry and scream. I knew that, so I didn’t give them the sounds this time. It was all I could hold on to. I stayed silent.
“Fuck!” Dio hissed as Rafe seemed to jolt like he’d been struck.
Dio shot to his feet and started pacing back and forth as he ran a hand agitatedly through his wildly messy hair. He was angry. That much was clear.
“I don’t even know where to begin apologising for allowing this to happen to you Gioia Mia.
You’ve been through so much since I found you.
I keep telling you that you’re safe and that we’ll protect you, but we’ve failed again and again.
There are no words to ever make that better,” Rafe told me.
His body had gone so taut beneath me that I was pretty sure he had to be straining muscles.
You didn’t do any of this to me, Rafe. You did all you could to keep me safe, but we don’t live in a safe world.
I want to tell you that I’m okay, but I’m not.
I want to tell you that I will be okay, but I don’t know if I ever will right now either.
All I can tell you is that I love you, and I want to be here with you. I need to be. Despite everything, I feel safe when I’m in your home, with this family.
I handed Rafe the phone and laid back against him. I felt exhausted again and every part of my body seemed to be throbbing angrily, in perfect synchronicity.
“It’s your home, Cara, and your family too.
You belong there, and I’m going to do everything I can to ensure you’re safe there.
I’m beefing up security on the house and you’ll never leave to go anywhere without a full security team.
I’m also going to make sure everyone knows that you are untouchable.
I’m going to make such an example of the Kozlov’s and their entire operation for this, that no one will ever dare come for this family again.
We do live a dangerous life, but I’m going to make it a hell of a lot safer,” he promised, and I saw the rage within him with every word he spoke.
I took the phone back from him and typed fast.
Nothing can happen to you either
“It won’t, Piccola. I’ll keep him safe. We all will,” Dio pledged.
“It’s not for you to worry about. I will handle everything. I just need you to get strong. That’s why I want you to see someone…a professional you can open up to.”