CHAPTER 7 #2
The men in my life also held the painkillers hostage and only gave me the allotted doses at the allotted times. It was a lot, but I hadn’t argued or even complained really, because I wasn’t completely sure what would happen to me if they actually did leave me alone.
If I had thought my head was a dark place before, that had been nothing compared to the endless pit that it was now.
It was filled with the fresh horrors, and if I allowed myself to slip into those memories, the older ones came right along with them.
Every slight bang brought with it a replay of Gia getting shot and slumping to the ground, and by ‘bang’ I meant someone setting down a mug, or closing a door.
Anything that sounded even remotely like those shots.
Rafe got out of the other side of the car and wrapped his arm around me the second he reached me, ushering me inside and out of the rain. Arran and Cal were waiting right inside the entrance for us, and Arran stepped forward to help me out of my wet coat.
“Jesus lass, yer frozen through,” he cursed as he took my ice cold hand in his warm one and gave it a squeeze.
“I should have listened to Cal and worn the cardigan,” I told him, my teeth chattering slightly.
“Don’t be telling the lad that. His head’s big enough as it is,” Arran joked and I smiled just a little.
He had been that way all week – he and Cal really.
They tried hard not to look at me with the same worry and concern the others did.
Instead they tried to just treat me the way they always had for the most part, making me laugh and cracking jokes.
We’d watched movies and they’d just been there without making it feel as awkward and intense as it was when Dio or Rafe were with me.
I’d needed that easiness to get me through all of the heaviness.
“Is he okay?” I worried as I glanced over to where Cal was sitting on a chair and looking a little pale.
“Idiot didnae take any painkillers this mornin’ so he’s in pain, but I just forced some tablets into him. He’ll be alright,” Arran assured me.
“I’ll just check on him, Rafe,” I told my brother. Rafe nodded, but watched me as I crossed the small space to perch in the chair at Cal’s side.
“Arran said you’re an idiot,” I told him as I took him in.
“I forgot. It was a busy morning, then Terza had to cut my suit to get the damn trousers over this boot. I just lost track,” he sighed.
“Doesn’t sound very medical studenty of you,” I pointed out.
“Medical studenty? You’re going with that term, are you?” he teased.
“Works for me,” I shrugged. Without thinking I reached for his hand and held it tightly in mine against his thigh.
“You’re shaking,” he said as he studied me closer.
“I’m chilly,” I shrugged again. “And I just had to leave my little sister in the cold, wet ground,” I added shakily, wanting to be honest.
“Jesus,” he whispered as he let go of my hand and picked me up, pulling me over until I was in his lap and in his arms.
“Cal, we shouldn’t. Not here,” I argued, even as I clung onto the lapels of his suit jacket and pressed against him as much as I could.
“This is the only way I can hug you right now. Everyone who matters, knows that. And you needed a hug,” he assured me.
“I need to be strong right now,” I told him as I fought not to cry. It seemed like it was all I had done since that fateful night.
“You’re always strong. Cara,” he told me as he kissed the top of my head.
“Everythin’ alright here?”
I turned my head and found Arran in his black suit, with a black open collar shirt underneath, crouched down beside the chair Cal sat in.
I smiled shakily and gave a single nod. “I’m okay.”
“Good, Whenever ye feel ready, Rafe wants us all to walk inside the place together, okay? We’re doin’ this as a family today,” he told us, and I nodded.
I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to survive the day any other way. I needed them all at my side.
I turned back into Cal’s pressed white shirt and squeezed my arms around him as tight as I could for a moment or two, then I took a deep breath and sat up.
“I’m ready,” I told Arran as I held my hand out to him. He engulfed it in his huge mitt and squeezed just a little, comfortingly.
“We’ll be close, babe. Just look for us if you need us, and we’ll be there,” Cal told me as Arran helped me down from his lap and to my feet.
“I can do this,” I told them both as I straightened the black dress that Terza had bought me for the occasion.
It was a maxi dress, so it covered the mess of bruises and cuts on my legs, and allowed me to wear flats beneath.
It was pretty plain too, with long sleeves and a modest neckline.
I probably looked like that Mum from The Addams Family with my hair down and straightened as it was, but I had just been hoping to hide as much of my bruised and beaten up body as I could.
I already felt so vulnerable and exposed just being out in the world.
I didn’t need to be drawing any attention to myself.
“You can,” Arran told me with a nod and a wink.
I turned to go to Rafe, and was intercepted by Terza. She was in a black dress too, and she wore a black blazer over it. Her eyes were red from crying and she looked as worn out as she had all week. She felt Gia’s loss just as much as we all did. She had known Gia since the day she was born.
“Here, sweet girl. Arran told me you were cold. I brought this in my bag, just in case,” she said as she pulled out a black, slightly patterned, fine knit, wrap. She put it over my shoulders and around my arms, fussing with it for a moment. I just watched as her eyes filled with tears again.
“Thank you,” I told her when she moved to step back, but I didn’t let her go, stilling her until she looked up at me, then I wrapped my arms around her.
We didn’t speak, just held each other as I fought not to allow my own tears to follow. Terza was shaking hard in my arms.
“I love you so much.” I told her, hoping to help in some small, impossible way.
“Mum,” Dio worried as he appeared at our side and wrapped himself around the both of us.
“I’m sorry, son. I just…just give me a m-minute. I’ll be okay,” Terza sniffled as Dio just held us.
“You’re allowed to cry, Mum,” Dio told her.
“I can’t seem to stop,” she uttered.
“You’re not the only one, but Dio’s right. We should cry. This is an awful bloody day,” I added as I lost the fight to hold back my own tears.
For several moments we all just held each other. Terza and I cried, and Dio and the others just allowed us that. It was Terza who pulled away first as she wiped at her face with a tissue.
As soon as Dio let me go, Rafe was there, wrapping an arm around me and handing me a tissue with the other.
“Thanks,” I sighed as I took it and wiped at my face.
At least I had thought to only wear waterproof mascara so I didn’t look a mess at Gia’s wake. She wouldn’t have been happy with that happening. “You th-think I’d have run out of tears this week, wouldn’t you? But no! They just…just keep coming.”
“You can cry as much as you need to, Gioia. I don’t need you to be anything but yourself in that room, understood? None of that crap Marcello taught you, about the family image. You feel what you feel, and if it becomes too much, just say the word and I’ll take you home.”
“I love you, Rafe,” I told him instead of answering.
“I love you too,” he returned, pulling me even closer into his side.
We all walked into the restaurant together, Rafe holding me, and Dio at my other side. Arran and Cal were right behind me. I knew because I could hear Cal’s crutches, and when I glanced back to check, Arran had his arm around Terza, supporting her as she fought a visible battle not to cry.
We were a family and I felt so much braver knowing they surrounded me, but someone was missing, and I wished he were there right then, even knowing all he would likely do was scowl.
But Dante had disappeared. He hadn’t received the texts Arran sent him, and when I tried to call him, his phone was turned off.
No one knew where he was. He’d just gone and I was terrified he’d never come back.
I hadn’t forgiven him for what he did, but that didn’t mean I wanted him gone.
I couldn’t stand losing anyone else. I just needed him close, to know he was alright.
He had broken my trust in him in a huge way, but that didn’t take away the feelings I had for him.
For the next hour Rafe and I walked around the room together, Rafe keeping his arm firmly around me, talking to people I didn’t know, listening to them offer their condolences.
I was so sick of people telling me what a tragedy it was, and that Gia had been too young to have her life taken from her, like I didn’t fucking know!
But I kept my temper and emotions in check as much as I could, walking around pretty numbly and offering forced, sad smiles when necessary.
Rafe handled most of the conversation that was required, steering us away when the obligatory dialogue had gone on long enough.
His mask was in place, his own emotions well-hidden as the Rafe he had been trained to be by our father – the emotionless mafia boss – took over.
But even through that stone faced fa?ade and steady voice, I felt his love for me in the way he held me close, and in the way he glanced down at me as we moved, checking on me constantly.
And in those moments I saw the real Rafe, my loving brother, and the stress and wear all of this bullshit was having on him.
That was why I made myself stand strong at his side, because he needed me, even if he refused to show an ounce of the grief I knew he felt.