CHAPTER 10 #2
I slammed my hands over my closed eyes and toppled forwards until my head was resting against the mattress. This was why I needed those pills. How could I keep going if I had to live with such images constantly playing? There was only one answer to that. I couldn’t.
***
“What are you two up to?” I asked as I walked into the living room after lunch and found Cal and Arran sprawled out on the sofas, Cal with his laptop open on his chest, and Arran with a book in hand. They were both dressed casually and looked relaxed.
I’d purposely avoided lunch by timing a session in the gym just right.
My appetite was even more non-existent since I started taking the pills, and when I was forced to eat, it left me feeling nauseous.
I tried hard to be stealthy about the fact I missed most set meal times, but the guys knew, and questioned me about what I’d eaten constantly.
“Just finishing up an essay. Where were you? You missed lunch. Terza wasn’t happy,” Cal spoke up first.
“She’s fine. I explained and she made me a sandwich,” I lied, and it was scary how easily that lie slid from my tongue.
“Ye were in the gym again, weren’t ye?” Arran asked shutting his book and sitting up on the sofa, as I rounded it to stand between them.
“Aye, I was,” I teased, in a terrible Scottish accent, throwing him a wink for good measure.
Arran lunged forward, catching my wrist in his hand, then pulling me into his lap where he started to tickle down my sides mercilessly.
“Cheeky wee thing,” he laughed over the sound of my cries for mercy and laughter.
“Arran! I’m gonna pee! Stop!” I squeaked with amusement.
Thankfully, the threat worked, and he stopped tickling, instead wrapping his hands around my waist, helping me to sit up in his lap.
“That was mean!” I mock pouted as I looked up at him, unable to contain the smile for more than a moment.
“It was fun,” he chuckled. “Who knew ye were so ticklish?”
“I’m not!” I protested, then before he could argue with me, I reached up and kissed him chastely, stopping whatever he was about to say.
When I tried to pull away, he caught me with an arm around my back and pulled me close again, kissing me a little deeper and longer.
I couldn’t help but glance to the door when we were done, terrified I would find Rafe stood there, but he wasn’t. I was pretty sure he and Dio weren’t even home.
“He and Dio are still at the office,” Cal assured me, as if he read my mind.
Cal, Arran, Dio, and I had all had a talk about our relationship a few nights ago.
Basically they came to the conclusion that they were all in if it was what I wanted.
They didn’t seem too concerned about jealousy between them when I asked, though we all agreed it would be a case of just trying things out, and feeling our way through things as they came along.
So we were kind of all in a relationship now. Sort of.
There was no question of what I wanted. I knew that much. Them. I wanted them, however I could claim them. But my own feelings of inadequacy wouldn’t leave me. I would never feel that I was good enough for them, even if I weren’t as broken as I knew I was.
So I had hedged my bets somewhat, and asked them to just give me time to get comfortable with things.
I’d told them I was fine with us all getting closer, but I just wanted things to progress naturally.
They’d agreed, so that was where we were – stolen kisses when Rafe wasn’t around, cuddles, and them holding me at night when they could.
We needed to tell Rafe. I hated keeping such a huge secret from him, but we just hadn’t found the right time.
Rafe was working himself into the ground, running his business, managing the docks, and doing everything he could to track down the bastard who had killed Gia.
He was exhausted, and stressed to the max, spread too thin and running on barely any sleep.
The last thing I wanted was to add to his stress, and the others agreed.
Cal grabbed my arm and pulled gently until I was laid across the sofa, still half on Arran, but with my head landing in Cal’s lap. I laughed as I landed, then stopped abruptly when Cal leaned right down and slanted his lips over mine, kissing me teasingly.
“I could get used to this kind of attention,” I grinned when Cal pulled away and instead stroked a hand through my hair.
“Ye’ll need to, lass. We’re no’ going anywhere,” Arran promised.
I found myself smiling again as I sat up between them and settled in there.
It was so easy to smile with the fuzz, which the pills filled my head with, blocking out all the worst stuff.
That was why I needed them – because with them I could be alright, but without them, I was just a pile of smashed up pieces of who I had once been.
“Good,” I nodded happily. “You’re not working?” I asked Arran, surprised to have him home without his laptop open before him.
“No’ ‘til later tonight.”
“Then we should do something!” I declared. “I’m so bored.”
“What did you have in mind, gorgeous?” Cal asked. He closed his laptop and sat forwards so he could set it down on the coffee table.
“I don’t know. I guess we’re kind of limited with you on crutches, but there must be something we can do around here that doesn’t involve staring at a screen.”
“We could bake somethin’” Arran suggested.
“You two bake?” I scoffed.
“Well no, but we could watch you bake somethin’ then eat the finished articles,” he laughed.
“Hard pass then. I don’t know how to bake anyway,” I sighed. “I wish we could go out. It’d be fun to see all the sights, maybe get on one of those open top buses.”
“I promise we’ll make sure you get to do all of the tourist stuff as soon as it’s safe, babe. Being stuck in this house is only temporary,” Cal assured me.
“I know, and I get why it’s important. It’s just weird for me. I’m not used to having so much free time on my hands. At first it was fine, but now I kind of miss my crappy jobs back home, which is insane because I hated those jobs!”
“How about we go up to the games room? There’s plenty’a stuff to do up there,” Arran suggested.
“There’s also a bar up there too. How about you try your first ever beer?” Cal asked me with a lift of his eyebrows, making me smile.
“Maybe.”
I never wanted to drink before because of my Mum, but what harm would there be in trying a beer when I was already popping unknown illegal drugs. My determination to never become like my Mum was already gone, the fight lost the day I decided to pull that baggie of pills from the trash.