Chapter 10 Hannah
HANNAH
In the week since Thomas sent me the photo of him and Arson and I tried my hand at flirting, we’ve been texting every day. It’s mostly been casual, some flirting here and there, but nothing too crazy. Somehow, we haven’t seen each other in person since then either.
I’m ashamed to admit that I’m worried it will be much easier to talk to him over text than it will be in person. The thought of seeing him in person, having to hope that the interest from him transfers from over the phone into real life is daunting. I spiral every time I think about it.
There was a day this week when police were on scene to assist during an accident, but Thomas was called away before we could do more than wave at each other.
Now, we’ve been working opposite shifts.
I’m coming off a stretch of three night shifts, and I’m absolutely exhausted, but I forced myself out of bed so I can take Grandma to the craft fair and then head to the Ivy Days street dance.
I’m hoping that the time with Grandma will help calm me, because right now, I’m not doing well.
Poor Julia has been the recipient of many frantic texts, but I don’t want to bother her today.
She’s working most of the morning, and then she and Tiff are coming down for the weekend, mainly as moral support for the street dance tonight.
“Sweetie, what do you think of this?” Grandma asks, pulling me out of my internal thoughts. She’s holding a handmade oven mitt in her palm for me to see.
“That’s cute,” I state, but I’m not really focused on it.
“I think it would look nice with my fall decor,” she says, adding it to the pile of things she plans to buy from the vendor.
“I agree.” She has already asked me twice if I’m feeling anxious, and I felt bad, but I had to lie to her. She always sees right through me, and I don’t think I’m ready to tell her that Thomas has been texting me, and how I’m not totally sure what that means.
Once she pays and has her items in a small brown bag, we continue to make our way through the fair.
A few rows down, a sudden floral smell overtakes my senses.
It’s not too strong, but enough to draw my attention to it.
Grandma tells me she’s going to look around by herself, and she will meet me at the front in a bit.
I wander toward the smell of the flowers as soon as I’m alone.
A pink tent stands over the booth with a large variation of flowers and stems in buckets.
Josie Cunningham stands in the center of the tables, talking with another fair-goer.
When she sees me lingering at the front of the booth, she offers me a smile and a wave, holding up a finger to let me know it will be a moment.
I’ve met Josie a few times since she opened up her business here, and she’s always been so nice every time I stop into her store to get an arrangement for Grandma.
I look around at all the different flowers she has, leaning down to smell some of them. She has a “build your own bouquet” section, complete with ribbons and vases as well.
Josie looks absolutely gorgeous. She’s wearing a light blue sundress that accentuates her baby bump.
Her red hair is tied up in a ponytail off her neck, and she has a beautiful pregnancy glow to her.
From what I’ve heard, she’s due with her and her husband’s first baby sometime at the end of next month.
I couldn’t be happier for them. I remember hearing about their love story too.
She moved to town and opened her business, and shortly after, got set up for a blind date photoshoot with Andrew, and the rest is history.
I’m lost in my thoughts as I look at the flowers in her booth, until there’s a tap on my shoulder. “Hey, Hannah, right?” Josie asks. I turn to face her, and she’s wearing a light-hearted smile.
I smile back, and can already feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Like clockwork, the social interaction with someone new, even though we’ve met a few times makes my cheeks flush a deep cherry red. “That’s me,” I say, chuckling awkwardly as I wave.
“Thomas told us you’re joining us tonight at the street dance?” she questions. It takes me by surprise that Thomas has told his family about me, for some reason. I get the sense they’re close, so it shouldn’t.
“I am,” I confirm, twisting my hands together.
“And your sister, too?”
“Yes, she and her wife are coming after they finish work.”
“Great, it will be so nice to meet them as well!” Josie smiles, her eyes bright.
A new voice appears from behind us. “Petals, they ran out of deep-fried Oreos, but I got you a funnel cake with ice cream on it, instead.”
Josie turns, her face lighting up at the sight of her husband carrying a plate with a huge funnel cake toward us. “Thank you, honey,” she says, reaching for the plate and stretching on her tip-toes to kiss his cheek.
Andrew turns his cheek so her lips land on his, and they kiss. I turn my gaze away, feeling like I’ve intruded on their moment. I distract myself with a green leaf from one of the eucalyptus stems beside me.
“Anyway,” Josie says, pulling my attention back to her. She sits down at one of the tables she has, and directs a small portable fan on her. “Thomas was saying how excited he is to see you tonight.”
I can’t help the smile from spreading across my lips, and I look at my feet. My heart thumps loudly in my ears. Despite hearing it straight from Josie, it doesn’t stop the self-deprecating words from playing in my mind, or flying out of my mouth. “I’m sure he was just saying that.”
Andrew is the one to respond. “Thomas has never been one to ‘just say’ anything.” I lift my eyes from my feet to him.
Their features are so similar, yet so different.
They have the same shape of eyes and nose, but their eye color, hair, and body type are completely different.
Andrew is muscular, his arms toned from his work as a woodworker, but Thomas is broad.
He’s thick, his biceps toned and strong, much like the rest of his body.
At the same time, he’s soft, someone I’d love to rest my head on and fall into the comfort of his body.
I shake myself free of thinking of Thomas’s body. I should not be doing that when speaking to his brother and sister-in-law.
“Right,” I say, though I’m still not so sure I believe him. He’s shown me that he’s interested, but my own issues make it so hard for me to believe that Thomas has an interest in me.
My name is called from the booth across, and Grandma is waving me over. “I uh—” I gesture to my grandma. “I have to go. I’ll see you guys later.”
Andrew and Josie say goodbye while I head toward Grandma.
I take a deep breath as I approach her, and she shows me a quilt one of her friends made.
I try to calm my racing heart and wipe my sweaty palms on the front of my shorts as I start to overthink my outfit.
It’s four now, so there’s only three hours before we’re supposed to meet.
I didn’t think this through. I should go home, shower, and make sure I’m not sweaty and stinky after walking around in the heat with Grandma.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket, interrupting my internal crash out.
Thomas
Looking forward to tonight. Make sure you’ve got your dancing shoes on, freckles.
Oh god, oh god. Okay, breathe, Hannah. I need to calm myself. “Grandma?” I turn to her, and she offers me a smile.
“Ready to go, sweetie? I think I have everything I need.” How does she always know? Ever since I was a kid, she’s been the one to know I’m overwhelmed from being in a crowded space or with new people, sometimes before I even realize.
“Yes, please,” I murmur, running a hand through my hair.
I can’t do this. I’m still panicking. Julia is set to arrive any minute, and it’s a good thing, because I’m about thirty seconds from convincing myself I’m not going.
I’m sitting on my bed, my bath towel wrapped around me.
I’ve been staring into space since I got out of the shower ten minutes ago , my mind whirling with all the things that could go wrong tonight.
I mentally tick off the list in my mind.
First, he could see me.
I mean, it’s a pretty real fear. He could see me, realize he, in fact, does not want to spend time with me, realize that I’m not as pretty as he might have thought, and look the other way, pretending that I don’t exist.
Talk about humiliating.
Second, he could try to touch me again. What if he hugs me and it’s awkward? Oh god, he could try to kiss me.
Now, that could be a good thing, unless I panic puke on him, then in that case, it would be very, very bad.
Third, I could forget how to speak.
I could turn into a jumbled mess, and he might think I’m having a stroke. He’d call 911, and all our co-workers would come, and then I’d be more embarrassed.
Knocking on my front door halts my thoughts. “Coming!” I call, rising from the bed and stumbling to my front door. I unlock the deadbolt, pull the door open, and throw myself into my sister's arms.
“I can’t do this,” I say, my voice coming out shaky.
Julia sighs as she tightens her arms. “Yes, you can. We are here for you, but I promise you, Hannah, you can.” I exhale a heavy breath as a hand rubs up and down my back. Tiff is here too, thank goodness.
“Come on, sis. Let’s go get you dressed,” Tiff says, her voice soothing.
Julia pulls back, resting her hands on my shoulders after she brushes my hair from my face. “You’ve got this.”
They lead me back into my bedroom where my closet has all but thrown up on my bed. Clothes are strewn everywhere in my attempt to find an outfit for tonight, because what I had on earlier is not working. Nothing else I tried on worked either. I feel too frumpy. I can see too many of my rolls.
“I couldn’t decide,” I explain, gesturing at the pile.
“I can see that,” Julia replies, already pulling out a few items. “Sit.” She gestures to my bed.
“Your hair looks great,” Tiff says. “I love how you curled it.”
I reach up to tuck a hair behind my ear. I curled my blonde hair and threw it into a half-down, half-up bun, with a few pieces hanging out to frame my face. “Thanks.”
“Now, we want to go for comfort and cute, since you’re going to be dancing,” she eyes me expectantly, like she knows I want to protest, “and it’s warm out.”
She pulls a light-purple sundress from the pile. “What about this?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want my thighs to chafe, and my undershorts ripped last week.”
She tosses it aside. “Veto.” She picks up another item, a pair of light wash denim shorts, and a lavender bodysuit with a scoop-neck tee that I bought on impulse, but have never worn. “This is perfect.”
I shake my head, reaching out to grab it from her. “No, I don’t even know why I have that.”
“At least try it on,” Julia says, holding it up above her head as I continue to reach. “If you totally hate it, then we will veto it, but you bought it for a reason.”
I sigh, stopping my attempts to grab it.
“Fine.” I thrust out my hand to grab the outfit from her, and shoo both her and Tiff from my room while I change.
Once I finagle the buttons closed at the crotch and slide it up and over my hips and shoulders, I pull the shorts up, buttoning them over my belly button.
When I look at myself in the mirror, my first instinct is to start picking out the things I hate about the outfit. It’s too tight, you can see every roll in my stomach and back, my fupa is outlined in the shorts, you can see the cellulite on my thighs, but then I stop.
Instead, I try to do what I’ve been working on in therapy.
I admire myself. I look great in purple, it brings out the blue in my eyes.
The shorts fit me perfectly, and even make it look like I have a little bit of an ass, something that usually is flat.
My cleavage looks great too, the scoop neck offering a hint more than normal, but I’m not mad about it.
I rest my hands on my hips and take a deep breath. Yes, I like this. Especially if I throw on my white high-top Chucks. It’s a basic outfit, nothing fancy, but it’s comfortable and cute, exactly what I need for tonight.
I open the door, and Julia and Tiff stand there waiting. They both smile when they see me, but Tiff is the first to speak. “Yeah, you’re wearing that.”
“Agreed,” Julia states.
I let out a sigh, and nod. “I like it.”
“Now, you just need a little mascara to make your lashes pop, and you’re perfect,” Tiff says, heading into the bathroom. “No need for more. We can’t hide your freckles.”
I smile, the good kind of butterflies fluttering in my stomach as I think about how Thomas has called me “freckles” more than once now.
“No, we can’t,” I agree. I’m still terrified for tonight, but a good outfit and having my sister and her wife being my hype women helps.