Chapter 42 Hannah
HANNAH
Thomas’s footsteps crunch as he walks away, leaving me alone to my thoughts. The phone sits in my hand like a weight, taunting me. The blank screen begs me to make the call, to hear my grandma’s or my sister’s voice, but yet, I can’t seem to do it.
How is it possible that after such a short period of time I’ve come to rely on someone more than I ever have before?
Sure, I’ve relied on my grandma and sister for a long time, but I’m also very independent.
I had to be. I’ve lived alone for eight years, and now the thought of going home to my small apartment without having Thomas at my side every night is petrifying.
I don’t want to be alone anymore, but yet, at the same time, I know what we have can’t continue.
We will get back to reality, and he will forget all about me.
Another minute passes before I build the courage up to dial my grandma’s number. She answers on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Grandma? It’s Hannah.”
“Oh, hi, honey.” Her soft voice soothes me instantly.
“I’m coming home,” I say, my voice cracking as tears stream down my cheeks again.
“Really?” she cries, her voice breaking the same as mine. “That’s wonderful. Julia isn’t here. You have to call her too.”
“I will.”
“When will you be home?” Grandma asks eagerly.
“We don’t know for sure. We got word that it will be early next week.” I sniffle and wipe at my eyes as tears continue to roll down my cheeks.
“That’s wonderful,” she says tentatively. “Why do you sound so sad then?”
Shaking my head, I let out a watery laugh. I’m so ridiculous. “We have a routine here. And now it’s all going to change. I don’t want it to change. I want to go home more than anything. I miss you, I miss my life, and Julia and Tiff, but I’m going to lose Thomas.”
“Who says you’re going to lose him?” Grandma asks.
“It only makes sense that I would.” I take a deep breath and change the subject. I can’t talk about this anymore. “You would love Dottie, the woman we’ve been staying with.”
Grandma sighs, sensing my avoidance of it, but doesn’t bring it up.
“Tell me about her,” Grandma says. I tell her all the ways she reminds me of my mom, and how she’s been teaching me to cook and bake.
After a few more minutes, I reluctantly say goodbye to her, with a promise to call when we’re on our way home.
I dial Julia’s number next, feeling a bit more confident now. Thankfully, she answers right away.
“Han, is that you?”
“It’s me,” I reply. A smile crosses my face as I hear yelling.
“Tiff, it’s Hannah!” Julia calls.
“Hannah!” Tiff shrieks my name, her voice joining Julia’s.
“Hi guys,” I say through laughter. “I have good news.”
“You had sex!” Julia cries.
Heat floods my veins. “Um—” I start, but she interrupts me.
“I knew it. Tell me everything. How was it?”
“Let the girl talk, sweetie,” Tiff coaxes.
My heart pangs. I miss them so much. “That’s not why I’m calling. We get to come home.”
A loud scream pierces my eardrums.
“Thank goodness,” Julia cries. The sound of her tears makes my throat thicken with emotion.
“Yeah,” I blubber.
“When?” Tiff asks. “Now?”
I shake my head, even though they can’t see. “Early next week.” I wipe at my nose, trying to rid the snot.
“Holy shit, Han,” Julia breathes. “How are you? Are you excited?”
Sobs bubble up my chest and escape me before I can hold it back. “No.”
“Wha— Hannah, what do you mean, no?”
“It’s ridiculous,” I wail. “All we’ve wanted since the moment we got here was to go home, and now the thought of going home terrifies me.”
“How come? They wouldn’t let you come home if you weren’t safe,” Tiff tries to say.
“It’s not that.” I take a deep breath. “I’m not ready for this to end. Whatever Thomas and I have, it has to stay here, in this little bubble.”
“Did Thomas say that?” Julia asks, her voice growing angry.
“No, no.” I rush to defend him. “But I know it has to stay here.”
“Why?” Tiff wonders.
“I mean, the whole reason I’m here is because he wanted to keep me safe.”
“And? Why does that mean it has to end?”
“The need to pretend and keep us safe is gone, therefore, the relationship ends too. We both have demanding jobs, and when we aren’t spending twenty-four-seven together, it will fizzle out.
” I lean against the gritty rope, trying to force myself to keep that logic.
If I am prepared for it to end, then it won’t hurt as bad. Right?
“Hannah…” Tiff starts. “You know I love you—”
“You’re being an idiot,” my sister interrupts her wife. “You can’t seriously tell me that man does not have feelings for you, or that he doesn’t want whatever is happening wherever you are, to continue at home?”
“I don’t know!” I shriek, my heart cracking. “Of course I don’t want this to end. But what if he does? I’m trying to prepare myself, Julia.”
“Prepare yourself for what? You don’t have to prepare for every possible outcome, Hannah.” Julia lets out an indignant noise.
Irritation blooms in my chest, though I know she’s right. “I can’t help it, Julia. You know this.”
“Yes, I do, but you didn’t see the way that man looked at you that night.
I did. I haven’t even been with you in over a month, and I know he will do anything for you.
I mean, the man told everyone you were engaged to keep you safe!
Who does that? A man who knows who he wants.
And that’s you, Hannah,” Julia finishes with a huff.
“I think what your sister is trying to say is, don’t think that because you’re coming home that it has to end. You never know what will happen, Hannah. Don’t shut down the potential of something because of what you think might happen,” Tiff finishes gently.
“I know, but I can’t help it,” I whisper. Why can’t I be excited about going home? Why do I overthink everything and make things harder for myself and those around me? “I guess it’s good I’m coming home. I need to see my therapist again,” I laugh self-deprecatingly.
There’s silence on the other end of the line.
“That was supposed to be funny,” I state.
“Oh,” Julia murmurs. “I mean, you’re not wrong, though. Seeing your therapist won’t be a bad idea.”
“I know,” I say with a sigh.
“Now, enough of the heavy. Tell me. Did you have sex? Was it amazing?” Julia asks, her voice lighthearted and excited again.
Some of my own happiness returns. “We did.” I smile, my cheeks heating at the memory. “I…”
“Ohh, she’s speechless,” Tiff squeals.
“I don’t even know what else to say. It was amazing.”
“You deserve happiness, Hannah. Now, focus on this feeling. Don’t think about what happens next. Focus on the feelings he gives you right now,” Julia says, as if it’s that easy, but I’ll try. I have to. I don’t want to sabotage this thing we have.
“Wait until you hear this,” I say, laughter bursting from me. I tell them all about last night, how Thomas got jealous of Fletcher, and how he fucked me hard against the truck bed. Then, I tell them all about how Ron and Dottie heard us, or rather, me, and pretended we were coyotes they’d heard.
Ten minutes later, we’re all laughing, making plans to all get together when I get home. Dinner with my sisters and grandma. It will be so nice to be home.
We hang up, and I’m left feeling relieved. A tip-tapping of footsteps come up behind me as I turn off the phone. I turn in the swing, expecting it to be Arson, but shriek when a large beak is staring me in the face.
“Jesus, Dave!” I clutch my palm to my chest. He leans down, resting his head on my shoulder. I tentatively reach out, brushing my hand over the top of his feathered head. The thumping sound I’ve grown familiar with echoes in my chest.
More footsteps approach, this time accompanied with a bark. “Arson, I’m fine, buddy,” I call. Arson skids to a stop beside me, ready to protect me from this silly bird. Dave skitters back a step, ready to play. Arson tilts his head curiously.
Surprising me, they do a little playful dance around each other. Arson barks playfully, and the emu takes off, Arson chasing after it.
Thomas strides over to me, raising his brow. “Well, it only took five and a half weeks, but they’re friends now.”
“Apparently,” I say with a laugh. I hand over the phone to him, and he puts it in the pocket of his shorts. “How are you?”
I take a long breath. “I’m okay, I think. How are you?”
He shrugs, sitting on his swing. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m so ready to go home. Really, I am, but at the same time, I love being here, the two of us.”
“Me too.”
“I don’t want things to change,” he says. “But, like I said earlier, we will have to find our new normal.”
I nod, thinking about all the things I’m going to miss when we get home.
Sleeping in my own bed will be nice, but he won’t be there to hold me as I fall asleep, or when I wake up in the middle of the night with a nightmare.
I won’t wake up in his arms, or hear him say “Good morning, freckles” every morning.
No more lazy Saturday afternoons on the couch, or dinners with Dottie and Ron.
How is it possible that I’ve gotten so used to this new routine in such a short period of time?
And how can we find a new rhythm at home when we are both so used to being together in our own little bubble?