CHAPTER 13
A few years earlier, Jeremy had spent a portion of the Mardi Gras party he was attending smooching a pretty young man whose name he had either forgotten or never asked in the first place.
Taking a break from licking each other’s mouths on the side of the dance floor, he wiped a smudge of violet glitter off the boy’s chin, laughing and apologising.
‘Eww, glitter is so done,’ the man had replied cuttingly. ‘It’s giving baby gay.’
Jeremy, as a consequence, had not worn glitter to Mardi Gras since.
Everyone assumed that the parade and the partying would be all good vibes, all ‘love wins’ and ‘equality now’ and rainbow families, but the reality was very different.
It was cutthroat. Another time, he’d walked into the venue, feeling himself, serving mesh and go-go boots, and some unfriendly twink had looked him up and down and said, ‘I love this Shein moment.’
It was not Shein, but that wasn’t the point.
Mardi Gras was kind of like a Hunger Games of being gay, a brutal cage fight to a Cher soundtrack. Calling the festival ‘gay Christmas’ was correct, because, much like real Christmas, it was as much a pressure cooker of politics and stress as it was a period of joy and gay apparel.
As a result, Jeremy found the process of getting ready for Mardi Gras, which was what they were doing now in Anna’s apartment, more enjoyable than the event itself.
Music was blaring from another room (inexplicably, it was the Nashville soundtrack), and Liz was chain smoking on the tiny balcony overlooking the train station, occasionally yelling out commentary on whatever the topic of the discussion happened to be.
Right now, they were trying to work out who would win in an Anchorman -style brawl between famous girl bands, with Jeremy firmly pushing for Destiny’s Child.
‘I mean, clearly Kelly Rowland has a lot of pent-up rage, and the band features BEYONCé. She alone would be able to wipe the floor with most of the Spice Girls. She might need the gals to help out with Sporty Spice though.’
‘No, see, that’s where you’re wrong!’ screeched Liz from outside, her voice punctuated by the sound of something smashing.
‘Oops. They only have Beyoncé before she went solo – that’s the least powerful form of Beyoncé.
Pre-solo Beyoncé could be taken down by all the Pussycat Dolls, for example, if they really concentrated.
There are a lot of Dolls. There would be casualties though. ’
Jeremy shook his head. ‘You’re so wrong. Any Beyoncé could take down an infinite battalion of Pussycat Dolls – that’s literally science.’
‘I think Boygenius and Haim would spend the whole time making out,’ said Anna, smiling beatifically. Everyone nodded thoughtfully.
‘Speaking of making out, does anyone have any Mardi Gras resolutions?’ called out Liz. ‘I think I want to find a very tall woman to kiss, just towering over me, a skyscraper of a lady.’
‘I just want to have a nice time.’ Anna shrugged. ‘I want to find a good home base for us to settle at, so we can make forays onto the dance floor and to the bar. I want to build a cubby house.’
‘These are all so valid,’ Jeremy decreed, tipping his champagne glass towards Anna and in the general direction of Liz.
He was trying different earrings on in the mirror, but he already knew he was probably going to wear the biggest and dangliest pair.
This was not a night for subtlety. ‘Unfortunately, I have no goals this year.’ He sighed.
‘After we finish the parade, I’m meeting Geoffrey at the party. He’s so weird – it’s gonna be awkward.’
‘Eww, NO!’ Liz yelled, storming inside. She was dressed entirely in fluoro green, her theme apparently ‘whatever fucked with those teenage turtles’.
‘Jeremy, WHY? He’s boring and you don’t even like him, and Mardi Gras is not the time for a date!
It’s just not! It’s the time to see if you can fill out your STI bingo card!
It’s the time for being messy and wild and waking up with one of your shoes in the harbour! ’
‘Eww,’ said Anna. ‘It is not that for me.’
‘Sorry, Liz. Geoffrey is a freak, but he’s so handsome and successful,’ wheedled Jeremy.
‘I need to keep him on the hook for the reunion, which is getting so close, by the way. Plus, pictures of my hot boyfriend and me grinding on the dance floor with some hashtag like love wins is a huge win … for me.’
Liz stared at him and sighed. ‘Look, you know I love this stupid spite plan, you know I think it’s delightfully insane and it’s the kind of thing I’m always going to support my friends doing, but don’t you think it’s going a bit far when it’s ruining important things like Mardi Gras?’
‘Mardi Gras is overrated anyway,’ Jeremy said, trying to brush off the criticism. ‘It’s all just brands now. It used to be a protest and I believe it needs to get back to those roots.’
‘Do not try to distract me with queer history prompts,’ Liz said, still visibly annoyed.
‘I think Liz is saying that this has always been a pretty special night for us, as friends,’ Anna said.
She wasn’t one for confrontation, but she was pretty good at cutting to the emotional truth of any situation, which Jeremy both respected and hated, considering how he felt about emotional truths.
‘Some things should be sacred,’ Liz said grumpily, but without as much heat.
‘And Jeremy, not to make a big thing about it, but this isn’t the first time you have kinda screwed over our plans together for your spite thing,’ Anna continued.
‘Yeah, we were meant to get tacos the other night, and I know you didn’t have Legionnaires’ disease! I looked it up, and you’d probably have died,’ said Liz, although she was laughing a little bit.
‘Sorry. Sam had a last-minute spite idea and asked me around to brainstorm. It’s actually super fun – we’re thinking of hiring a huge car …’ Jeremy trailed off as Liz shook her head, and even Anna sighed.
‘Jeremy, as we said, we’re on your side but … it’s got a bit boring for us. It’s all you talk about,’ Anna said gently, but firmly.
‘Oh, and oh my god, since we’re being all tense and messy, when are you going to admit that there’s a thing happening with Sam!’ Liz cried out. ‘You are obsessed with him and it’s driving me insane.’
Jeremy scrunched up his face. ‘There’s nothing going on!’ he said, looking to Anna for support – but finding nothing. ‘He’s a friend, and he’s doing me a big favour, and I’m getting really sick of this pressure you’re putting on me to find a real boyfriend.’
‘Well, that’s not a thing,’ said Liz.
‘It feels like that. Maybe I’m just very fulfilled right now by my revenge – did you ever consider that?’
There was a pause as everyone chewed on the absurdity of that statement, before they all cracked up laughing.
Liz was crumpled against the doorframe, while Anna was holding her head in her hands and crying.
Jeremy knew his penchant for the dramatic was funny – he was self-aware enough for that – but he also knew they were probably laughing as a relief from the tension of their argument.
They weren’t the kinds of people who had confrontations, like a very broke version of a Real Housewives show.
They were friends who had little jokes and silly bits, not blow-ups, not fights.
They’d once had a tense conversation after Liz had invited around a hundred people to a ‘movie night’ at Anna’s apartment, but that was about it.
Jeremy took a sip of his drink and realised that the rarity of their fights meant he should probably take this moment seriously.
He didn’t want to – his instinct was to get huffy and hurt.
He loved his friends, and he appreciated their support, but they fundamentally didn’t understand the spite scheme.
Jeremy didn’t say that, though – instead, he pulled out his phone and shot off a quick text to Geoffrey, which simply said, Sorry, something came up, let’s catch up next week?
He immediately received a picture of a cartoon giraffe giving a thumbs up. Christ, this man was weird.
‘Look, you’re both right,’ Jeremy said, standing up a little awkwardly. ‘I bet I’ve been even more annoying than usual, and I know I’ve been a bit obsessed —’
Liz went to interrupt, and Jeremy quickly spoke over her.
‘Okay, I’m a lot obsessed: I recognise it. I’m sorry. I, uh, value you both and your … friendship, and I told Geoffrey to scram tonight so we can focus on having a night with just the gals.’
Liz nodded with her eyes open wide. ‘Wow, that was awkward, but I appreciate your attempt at earnestness.’
‘You’re a good boy,’ said Anna, giving him a quick hug. ‘Geoffrey is just a big mood kill, and I don’t say that lightly, so thank you. Last time we went out, when you went to the toilet he asked me if I could ever feel my fingernails growing.’
‘Eww,’ said Liz. ‘Wait, can you?’
Jeremy hated the actual Mardi Gras parade – he disliked walking in one direction, he detested crowds and he wasn’t very keen on either chants or slogans.
It had been something he’d suffered through for much of his twenties, but now it was more of an easily avoidable aspiration, like Dry July or getting his taxes done on time.
They always talked about going to the parade, always planned to make an appearance, be part of the community, boo the cops marching, but now they were sitting on Anna’s balcony, dressed in slutty outfits and drinking prosecco from the bottle, he knew they weren’t going to make it this year either.
‘So, do either of you have anything going on that we should be discussing?’ asked Jeremy, trying for a casual tone, but still feeling that crawling sensation where you know you’ve fucked up and desperately need to make it better.