In The Between

✧･Chapter 1 Home

I didn't know that night would ruin me.

If I had, I would've stopped it before she meant anything at all. Before she meant everything.

But I didn't.

And six years ago, it was just supposed to be a wedding.

Simple, right? It should have been.

But it wasn't.

Helena had chosen the most beautiful venue.

Of course she had. It was big enough to hold hundreds of people, but there were barely thirty of us there.

Just close friends, family, the people who mattered.

It made everything feel more real, more intimate.

Like we were all part of something we weren't supposed to see.

Lucas, her brother, and I stood beside Helena as her best man and woman, exactly how both her and June had wanted it. On June's side was her brother, August, and Mae.

God... they were both beautiful.

They wore white. Helena's dress was fitted, clean and sharp in a way that matched her perfectly. June's was softer, layered with ruffles that moved every time she did. It fit them in a way that made sense. Like they had always been meant to stand there together.

And when they exchanged their vows, I couldn't stop the tears. I had promised Helena I wouldn't cry and I had really meant it when I said it.

I still cried anyway.

At the time, I didn't understand everything they were signing. I was still learning ASL, still catching up, still trying to follow along without falling behind. But I understood enough.

More than enough.

I understood the way Helena looked at June. The way June's hands shook just slightly when she signed back. The way neither of them looked away, not once, like if they did, something might break.

Seeing Helena like that... happy in a way I had never seen before, full of something steady and real and unshakable... it did something to me.

It settled somewhere deep in my chest and stayed there.

At the time, I didn't have a name for it. I didn't want one, but I felt it. Everywhere. All at once.

Like something inside me had been pulled too tight for too long and finally snapped. And in the quiet that followed, there was this... empty space.

A space that shouldn't have been there. A space that wanted something, needed something.

I told myself I didn't know what it was. That it didn't mean anything.

But I did.

I knew.

Because no matter how many times I looked away, no matter how many conversations I tried to focus on, my eyes kept finding their way back to her.

To Mae.

Every single time.

The way she spoke. The way she smiled like it came easy to her. The way she laughed, her head tipping back just enough to expose her throat, and I hated the way that made something in me tighten.

The way her hands moved when she signed, fluid and sure, like it was second nature. The way her eyes crinkled when she smiled, like she meant it every single time.

And the way she stayed off to the side for most of the night, tucked into her own little space, quietly painting. A canvas had rested in front of her, brush moving slowly, carefully.

She was painting Helena and June. Capturing them in that moment so they could keep it forever. So they'd never forget what this felt like, so they'd always have proof that something like that existed.

And I couldn't stop watching her.

I tried, at first. Told myself it didn't mean anything, that it was just another person in a room full of people. That I was reading into it too much, like I always did when I got bored or restless.

But that wasn't it.

Because no matter how many times I looked away, my eyes kept finding their way back to her like something in me had already decided she was where I was meant to look.

I can't pinpoint when it stopped being about being her friend and turned into something more. When she stopped just being Mae and became... something else entirely. Something I couldn't shake. Something I started thinking about without meaning to.

It wasn't all at once. It wasn't some big, obvious moment where everything changed. It was small, quiet. Built over time in ways I didn't notice until it was too late to undo it.

Until I started thinking about her when she wasn't around.

Wondering what it would feel like to be close to her, to have her attention in a way I wasn't supposed to want.

Wondering what it would feel like to hold her, to keep her there, to have something that looked even a fraction like what Helena and June had standing right in front of me.

To be near her all the time. To have her choose me.

I knew it started long before that wedding.

I just never let myself admit it. Because she had already made it clear, she wasn't gay. And I respected that, I never pushed, never crossed that line after she drew it so clearly between us.

But respecting it didn't stop anything inside of me.

Didn't quiet the way my chest tightened every time she smiled, or the way my thoughts kept circling back to her no matter how hard I tried to focus on anything else. It didn't stop the storm.

If anything, it just gave it nowhere to go.

So it built. And that night... That night, it finally broke. It never should've happened.

I know that now.

I knew it the next morning.

The second I saw her. The way she looked at me - like something inside of her had shattered, like she didn't know what to do with it, didn't know how to fix it. Like whatever happened between us had crossed a line she couldn't come back from.

She didn't yell, didn't say anything. She just... left, as fast as she could. Pulled away from me like I was something she shouldn't have touched, like she regretted it the second it was over.

And after that, she acted like it never happened, claimed that she didn't remember, that she was drunk and the rest of that night was too hazy to remember.

She wouldn't talk to me. Wouldn't even look at me. Every time I tried to approach her, she found a way out. Every message I sent went unanswered, every attempt I made to understand what changed only made the distance worse.

Until there was nothing left but silence.

So when Helena made me COO of her company, when she started talking about expanding, about opening a new branch across the country... I didn't hesitate.

California. As far as I could get.

I told her I'd go, that I'd handle it, oversee everything, make sure it worked. I threw myself into it like it was the only thing I had left to hold onto. At first, she didn't want me to go. Didn't like the idea of me being that far away, not when we had built everything side by side.

But after a while... she stopped fighting me on it.

I think she saw it. Saw that something in me wasn't right, that I needed distance, even if I wouldn't tell her why. So she let me go.

What neither of us realized at the time, was how long I would stay gone.

Four years.

Four years in a different state, across the country from everything I knew. From everyone I knew. From her. I missed things I can't get back.

I wasn't there when Helena and June had their first daughter, Lucia. Or their second, Faye. I saw pictures, took calls, flew out a few times just long enough to meet them, to hold them, to pretend like I was still part of something I had already stepped away from.

But I never stayed, I couldn't. Because staying meant facing everything I had run from, and I wasn't ready for that.

I'm still not sure I am. But now...

Now I'm back, for good this time.

I bought a small house a few months ago, close enough to Helena's that I wouldn't feel so far away. I had it remodeled before I ever set foot in it. New floors, fresh paint, small changes that made it feel like something I could actually stay in.

I had furniture delivered, boxes shipped over weeks, everything slowly pieced together while I was still across the country.

My sister helped with the rest - checking in on the place, making sure everything was set up, adding small touches I didn't even think about.

Making it feel like a home instead of just a house waiting for someone to fill it.

I didn't tell Helena that I was planning on moving back. I wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted to see the look on her face, that moment of shock when she realizes I'm actually here, that I didn't just fly in for a few days like I always do.

That I'm not leaving again. Because as much as a part of me wanted to stay gone... I knew I couldn't.

Not anymore, I needed to be here.

For Helena, for my sister, and for my mom. For those two little girls I've already missed too much of. Lucia is about to turn six and Faye's already three.

There's a good chance Lucia barely remembers me and Faye probably doesn't at all. And that thought sits heavy in my chest in a way I can't ignore.

Because I love them, more than I ever expected to love anything. And it hurts knowing how much of their lives I wasn't there for.

The engine had been off for a while, but I still hadn't moved.

I just sat there in my car, hands resting on the steering wheel, staring at Helena's front door like it might somehow make this easier if I waited long enough.

The house looked the same at first glance.

Same structure, same porch, the same path leading up to it that I could've walked with my eyes closed.

But the longer I looked, the more the differences stood out.

The flower beds were fuller, spilling over with color.

There were toys scattered near the steps, a small bike lying on its side like it had been dropped mid-adventure.

Chalk covered parts of the driveway in uneven, bright drawings, lines overlapping and smudged in places.

It didn't feel untouched anymore before Helena met June. It felt lived in. Warm in a way that settled deep in your chest if you let it.

I'd been sitting there for longer than I wanted to admit, going back and forth in my head, wondering if I should've called first, if showing up like this was a mistake. My fingers tightened slightly against the wheel before I forced them to relax again.

Then the front door opened and I went still without meaning to.

A little girl came running out first, all energy and movement, her laughter carrying even through the quiet of the car. My chest tightened the second I really looked at her.

Lucia looked just like Helena, it was almost uncanny.

Long black hair that fell past her shoulders, softer than Helena's, with a natural wave to it that bounced as she moved. Bright blue eyes, sharp and alive, taking in everything around her. Light freckles dusted across her cheeks and nose, faint but noticeable when the light hit her just right.

She was Helena, just... smaller. Lighter and untouched by everything life hadn't gotten to yet.

June stepped out right after her, laughing as she followed, her attention fully on Lucia at first. She looked a little different too.

Older, in the quiet, natural way time changes someone without taking anything away.

Her hair was longer now, still that soft dirty blonde, falling loosely around her shoulders.

She wore a simple sundress that moved with her as she walked, light and easy.

For a moment, she didn't notice me. Then her gaze shifted toward the driveway, toward my car.

I watched the confusion settle in first, her brows pulling together slightly as she slowed, clearly trying to figure out why a car was there.

Then she saw me. And just like that, everything on her face changed.

The confusion faded, replaced with something softer, something brighter. Her eyes widened slightly, recognition settling in, and then... happiness.

It hit me harder than I expected.

June was already walking toward me, her eyes wide, a mixture of recognition and disbelief lighting her face.

Behind her, Lucia had stopped mid-run, standing frozen in the middle of the yard, staring at me like she was trying to figure out if I was real.

I laughed softly, because the way she looked at me - so sure, so judgmental - was exactly Helena's expression whenever I did something reckless.

June's hands were moving fast, signing quickly as she closed the distance between us before throwing her arms around me.

Oh my God! What are you doing here?

I laughed, another sound slipping out despite myself, and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly. Her warmth pressed into me, and for a moment the years melted away. I pulled back slightly, shrugging with a sheepish smile before signing back.

I wanted to surprise you guys. I didn't tell Helena.

June's eyes sparkled, and she grabbed my hand briefly, squeezing it before letting go, signing again.

How long are you in town for?

I paused, watching her closely, then signed back slowly.

I just moved back.

Her eyes widened in real, palpable shock, and without a second thought, she wrapped her arms around me again, holding me like she couldn't let go.

Then a small, tentative voice spoke up.

"Who are you?"

I pulled back from June, my gaze dropping to see little Lucia standing next to her mom. The girl's tiny hand clutched June's leg, holding on as if she weren't quite sure about me yet. Her bright blue eyes were locked on mine, curious and cautious all at once, and my heart thudded a little faster.

I crouched slightly to bring myself closer to her level, letting my hands rest gently at my sides, and smiled softly.

"It's okay," I signed carefully and spoke, my voice low though she couldn't hear it. "I'm Claire."

Lucia's bright blue eyes stayed on mine, searching, assessing, before she finally relaxed just a fraction.

"Aunty Claire?" she asked, her small voice hesitant.

I couldn't stop the small laugh that slipped out before nodding. "That's me," I said softly. She studied me for a long moment, like she was trying to place all the pieces together.

"You look different," she added, still clinging to June's leg.

I raised an eyebrow, tilting my head. "Oh yeah?" I replied, shaking my head. I probably did. Helena and I had FaceTimed quite a bit, and I'd spoken with the girls often, but seeing me in person was different, especially for someone who barely remembered me at all.

June's hands moved quickly, signing with a bright smile.

Come in! Helena's putting Faye down for a nap. She'll be so happy to see you!

I smiled at June, then looked back at Lucia, who raised her little hands to sign something fast to her mom.

June laughed softly, running her hand through Lucia's long, wavy black hair and nodding.

My eyes widened slightly, impressed and a little stunned - Lucia was already signing fluently, so confident and quick.

A pang tore through my chest, sharper than I expected, as I realized just how much I'd missed. How much I wanted to be part of this life, part of their world. Every laugh, every tiny movement, every quiet moment I'd missed - they all pressed against me at once.

And then I stepped inside, and it was like exhaling for the first time in years. The air felt heavier, warmer, alive with everything I'd been away from. I had no idea how long I'd been holding my breath, but now I couldn't stop it. I was home, finally.

Where I'm supposed to be.