46. Without Her （AE）
It's been a week.
Seven days.
168 hours.
10080 minutes.
I wake up with a weight that doesn't feel anything like her head on my chest. Breathing feels unfamiliar, like my body is confused about why it's still trying when the only thing that made it worth it walked out that door.
I've taken punches that split skin and blurred my vision, but this?
This is a wound no one can see
My heart doesn't feel broken it feels hollow.
Like someone reached inside me and scooped everything out, leaving only an echo behind.
I move around this penthouse like a ghost haunting his own life.
The rooms are the same. The view is the same.
But it doesn't carry her laughter anymore.
It doesn't carry her soft humming when she thought I wasn't listening.
It doesn't just have her.
She had these cute tactics- asking me to wear matching colors because "couples who coordinate, dominate." Dragging me into stores and pouting until I gave in.
I loved that she claimed me in small, ridiculous ways. Like the world needed to know I was hers.
She used to sit on the edge of our bed after my fights, cleaning the cuts on my face with hands so gentle it felt unreal.
She'd press soft kisses against my bruises like she could erase the violence out of me.
"You're beautiful, Xav." she'd whisper like I didn't bleed for a living.
Like I wasn't built from rage and broken things.
She touched me like I wasn't dangerous. Like I wasn't something to survive
Her smile... God.
That smile could end wars. It could make kings kneel and me?
I didn't stand a chance when she smiled at me, it felt like being chosen. Like for once in my life, I wasn't the weapon. I was just a man she wanted.
I keep replaying her words, trying to find a crack in them. A tremor. A lie.
I never loved you.
It was all a game.
You aren't made for love.
I have her gray bracelet with me. The one with the crown charm- I promised her that I'd keep it back on her wrist everytime she loses it.
But I lost myself in the process.
If it was a game, why did her hands shake that night? Why did her voice go quiet instead of cold? Why did her eyes look like they were drowning while she pushed me under?
Maybe I wasn't enough. Maybe loving someone like me was always going to be temporary. I know what I am. I know the blood under my nails doesn't wash off easy. I know I'm possessive, intense, built for survival not softness.
But with her... I tried. God, I tried. I softened the edges. I held back the violence. I chose her over ego.
I said please.
I would've walked away from the ring. From the title. From the name they chant like it means something. I would've left it all behind if she had just asked me to. I would've built a different life with her. Quiet. Smaller. Real.
I want her back.
Not because I'm lonely or not because I lost.
But because without her, the world feels colorless.
I want her ridiculous matching outfits. Her soft kisses on my bruises. Her hands tangled in my hair. Her voice telling me I'm more than the monster the world sees.
I want her eyes looking at me like I'm worth loving.
And I don't know how to exist in a world where she doesn't.
The penthouse used to feel powerful — high ceilings, glass walls, the entire city laid out beneath me like something I owned.
Now it feels like a museum of everything I lost.
Her mug is still on the kitchen counter. A faint smudge of lipstick on the rim. I haven't washed it.
I can't.
Because if I do, it means she's not coming back for it.
Her shampoo bottle, her clothes, her hair tie. Even her stupid pink band-aids are here.
I still have my bracelet on. The blue one with a swan charm.
Swans mate for life, but haha guess what? Your Swan left your unlovable ass.
"Hayes." Dominic's voice sounds distant, like it's coming from underwater. "You haven't eaten."
I don't look at him. "How can I?" My voice cracks on the last word.
All I've done for a week is exist. All I've done for seven days is rot and drink in my penthouse. The curtains haven't moved. The lights stay off. I've memorized the pattern of shadows on the ceiling at 3 a.m.
Lucas came 3 days ago and shoved food into my mouth- yeah. So I have eaten.
But I don't sleep properly
I close my eyes and she's there. I open them and she's not. My mind won't let her leave, but reality does it over and over again
That hurts so fucking much
Dominic doesn't move. He just stands there, solid and steady, like he's guarding something fragile.
"You can't keep doing this." he says quietly.
I let out a humorless laugh. "Doing what?"
"Dying without bleeding."
That makes my jaw tighten.
I've known Dominic long enough to understand what he's not saying. He's seen me after brutal losses. Seen me stitched up. Seen me concussed and furious and ready to destroy the world.
He's never seen me like this.
Sitting on the floor like I don't know how to stand.
"She said she never loved me," I say, and the words feel foreign in my mouth. Like they don't belong to my life. Like they were written for someone else.
Dominic exhales slowly. He doesn't rush to fix it. Doesn't throw empty reassurances at me. That's why he's still here.
"You believe that?" he asks.
I swallow.
I want to.
It would be easier if she never loved me but the way her hands shivered that night, the way her eyes wouldn't hold mine for too long, the way her voice stayed soft instead of cruel tell me otherwise.
No.
I don't believe it.
And that's what's destroying me.
"Everything felt real," I admit, quieter now. "The way she looked at me. The way she'd smile when I walked into a room like I was... enough."
Dominic walks over and sits on the edge of the couch, leaning forward, elbows on his knees. Close enough to reach me if I fall apart. Far enough to give me space.
"You gave her your whole world" he says.
"I would've given her more."
That's the truth.
I'd give up on anything for her cute hello kitty pjs. For the way she'd force-feed me fruit because 'champions need vitamins.' For the way her blue eyes would soften when I got too intense, like she could calm storms just by looking at them.
"I don't know who I am without her," I admit, the words scraping their way out of me. "In the ring, I know exactly what to do. I hit. I survive. I win." I look up at him finally. "But with her? I just wanted to stay."
Dominic's jaw tightens. He's not a man built for emotional speeches, but he reaches down and grips the back of my neck anyway "Do you think you're smart?"
I let out a hollow breath. "Not smart enough."
At least not smart enough to keep my woman safe.
"Xavier," he says, and the use of my name instead of Hayes makes my chest shift, "you're smarter than half the idiots who think they run this city."
I don't respond.
He leans closer, voice lower now. "You read people for a living. You step into a ring and know exactly when someone's bluffing. Exactly when they're scared. Exactly when they're about to break."
My jaw tightens.
"You saw love in her eyes?" he presses.
I close mine.
Her blue eyes were worse. Soft but steady. They'd hold my gaze like she could see straight through the armor I built over years. She never flinched from me. Never looked at me like I was too much. Those eyes made me want to be better. Made me want to kneel, not out of defeat, but devotion.
She can make me kneel. Make me beg. Just for her to stay by my side.
And yet she walked away.
"Yes" I say hoarsely and ignore the voice in my head.
"Then go get your woman."
The words hit something deep. Not pride. Not ego.
Instinct.
But doubt creeps in just as fast.
"She said it was a game," I mutter. "She looked me in the eye and said she never loved me."
Dominic scoffs. "And you believed that?"
I hesitate.
That's answer enough.
He stands now, pacing once like he's trying not to shake me. "You think I didn't see the way she looked at you after fights? Like you hung the damn moon? You think I didn't see her cleaning your bruises? or the way you smile when you're around her"
My chest tightens.
"She loved you," he says firmly. "I'd bet my own damn life on that."
Loved?
I don't say anything.
"If anything, I bet that Damon has definitely done something twisted to get to her." Dominic steps closer again. "If we bring it out of him, if we prove he's involved in whatever scared her enough to lie to your face" My head lifts. "you get your girl back."
"And we get rid of that bastard for good." I say, finally
"I'll check with my sources," he says finally. His voice is calm, controlled — the way mine usually is. "See what I can dig up on him. Where he's been. Who he's been meeting. I'll let you know if I get anything. Or where he is right now."
Because somewhere in this world, Damon is breathing easy.
Somewhere, he thinks he got away with it.
I push off the window and straighten fully, rolling my shoulders back. My body remembers this feeling. The focus before a fight. The stillness before impact.
"If he threatened her..." My voice is low now. Even. "If he made her choose between me and whatever the hell he's holding over her.. I will that fucker and make him regret for everything he's ever done."
I lost in love once.
I won't lose her to manipulation.