Chapter 11 #2
‘Anyway, he’d made it his life’s mission to ruin Jamie’s father financially, and he made me promise never to see Jamie again – which Jamie saw as me putting my father’s wishes ahead of his.
Let’s just say he’s never forgiven me for it.
I think he actually believes I helped my father destroy his – or at least that I didn’t try to stop him – even though I knew it would hurt Jamie too.
Unfortunately, we run in similar social circles, and often bump into each other at parties and events.
He clearly hates me now, and is vile every time I see him. ’
‘But you still love him? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?’ I interject, sensing that this story might hold the secret to her lost soul.
I see the same kind of closed look steal over her face that Maya gets when she’s battling her feelings.
‘No. Not any more. Not after the horrible way he treated me after the break-up.’
Picking up her knife and fork again, she stabs her steak and begins sawing at it, the motion uncharacteristically jerky. After a moment, she shakes her head, as if annoyed with herself for losing her cool, and forces herself to calm the movement.
‘Anyway, that’s all in the past. I like to live in the present. Speaking of which – it seems my father is a big fan of yours, and he thinks you and your company have an exciting journey ahead of you.’
‘I’m pleased he’s considering taking a position on my executive board,’ I say, though from what I’ve just heard, added to the warning Maya gave me about him, I’m beginning to wonder whether I really want anything to do with the mercenary bastard.
‘So you should be. He has a lot of influence around here.’
She glances around the restaurant, as if looking for specific examples of the sort of people he can bend to his will, then turns back to take another gulp of wine from her nearly empty glass.
‘You realise he’s keen for the two of us to partner up?’ Her smile is wide, but a little forced. ‘Personally, I mean, not just in a business sense.’
‘I got that impression, yes,’ I say carefully.
I don’t want to say the wrong thing here, and destroy a possibly beneficial alliance. Despite having heard Maya’s complaints about April, I find I actually like her. She’s a little cold and uptight, but now I know why I’ve warmed to her.
‘So what do you think?’ she asks me, her expression assertive and direct.
‘About what?’
‘About a partnership of convenience. I wouldn’t be averse to marrying you if it would be mutually convenient to our business interests. It could be a purely platonic relationship, if you’d prefer.’
I gape at her, lost for words. Has she really just asked me to marry her? Looking at her expression of cool attentiveness, I realise that she has.
Intellectually, I recognise that in business terms it would be a very good move.
Being a part of the Darlington-Hume family would open all sorts of doors.
So I’m surprised by how violently against the idea I am.
A disgusted voice in my head is telling me not to even consider it.
It sounds suspiciously like Maya’s voice, and it won’t bloody shut up.
The memory of the utter contempt on her face the last time I saw her comes back to me like a punch to the chest, and I’m suddenly aware of a weird, painful sort of tightness there.
‘That’s an interesting offer, and I’m hugely grateful for the opportunity to consider it,’ I say carefully, keeping my gaze steady with hers. ‘But I’m not sure I’m in a position to accept right now.’
She sits back in her chair and fixes me with a discerning stare.
‘Are you in love with Maya?’
The bluntness of the question takes me by surprise, and it’s a full few seconds before I’m able to reply.
‘No. Of course not.’
Still, she assesses me with one eyebrow quirked, as if she’s not convinced I’m telling her the truth.
‘Are you sure? Because you’ve not stopped asking about her all evening.’
I frown and cross my arms, finding it hard to look her in the eye for some reason. ‘Yes, I’m sure.’
Which of course I am.
Aren’t I?
I’m not in love with Maya. I can’t be. I don’t do serious relationships and neither does she.
April nods curtly, but the look on her face tells me she’s not convinced by my blustering denial.
‘Okay. Well, I’m going to Morocco for the weekend, but perhaps we could talk again once I’m back,’ she says, in a gentle sort of voice that makes me think she’s actually a little concerned about me.
Not that she needs to be.
I’m fine. Totally fine.
We get up from the table and I give April a kiss on the cheek before seeing her to the chauffeur-driven Bentley that’s waiting for her outside.
After that I’m too restless to go home, so instead I head to a nearby bar and sit sipping whisky while thoughts of what I’ve just learned about Maya spin through my head.
The more I drink, the more intense the disturbing, heavy sinking feeling in my chest gets.
If I’m totally honest with myself – and I know that it’s probably time I am – I’m ashamed of myself for treating Maya with so little respect, so little care for her feelings. Especially now I know what happened to her in her youth.
No one should have to live with something like that hanging over them.
No wonder she acts the way she does, as if she couldn’t give a shit what people think of her.
She must have to in order to deal with the horror of believing that the people she loves most hate her.
And I imagine she must hate herself too, to some degree – even if her mother’s death was just a terrible accident.
And now she’s shut me out too, after I failed to give her the loyalty she needed. I told her she could trust me, but when I put her father’s wishes above hers, I proved without a doubt that she couldn’t.
After seeing the coldness in her eyes, I can’t imagine her ever trusting me again.
It shocked me just how callous she was at the end too – as if she’d already expelled me from her heart.
If I was ever there in the first place.
But then, haven’t I also been repressing the feelings I have for her?
After spending my whole childhood hiding my emotions from my father, so as not to give him the pleasure of having any kind of power over me, I’ve got used to keeping myself aloof and distant. To stopping myself from loving anyone in case they use it against me. In case they finally break me.
I realise, as I sit staring in disgust at the now half-empty bottle of whisky I ordered, that the pain I’ve been feeling in my chest is my heart, which is missing a piece that Maya’s been filling.
A hole I didn’t want to acknowledge existed before.
And I know I can’t go on pretending to myself that she means nothing to me.
It’s time I accepted the feelings I have for her – to acknowledge that the time I’ve spent with her has woken me up from the emotionless half-life I was living until I met her.
There’s no point denying it any longer.
April’s right. I’m in love with Maya.
And I want a real relationship with her. One in which I get to take care of her and make her happy. Because she deserves that.
But it seems my revelation has come too late. Because she’s made it perfectly clear that she definitely doesn’t feel the same way.