Chapter 12 #3
She looks so tired, so utterly beaten. I pull her into my arms and hold her tightly against me, rocking her gently.
‘I should go and check how he’s doing,’ she says shakily, trying to pull away from me.
‘No, Maya, you need to rest. You’re clearly exhausted. There’s nothing you can do right now anyway. They’ll come and tell us once he’s out of surgery and able to have visitors.’
Looking into her face, I can see how lost she looks, how vulnerable, and I feel a surge of protectiveness towards her.
‘Here – lie down,’ I say, moving off the sofa so she can sink down onto it and stretch out.
I find a blanket on a shelf nearby and cover her with it, seeing her eyes are already closed.
‘Ben?’ I hear her murmur.
‘It’s okay. I’m still here,’ I say, sitting on the floor next to her and stroking her hair away from her face. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’
And I mean it too.
I’m staying right here with her, for as long as she needs me.
* * *
Maya
I love this man.
He seems to genuinely understand me, and that’s worth more to me than anything. He knows every awful, humiliating thing about me now, but he’s still here, sitting beside me.
I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my chest now that he knows what I did all those years ago. He’s seen through the facade I’ve been projecting to the rest of the world for so many years and right into the darkest part of my soul. And he’s still here.
It’s funny, but after telling him about it something strange happened inside me.
The hardness I’ve grown used to living with – the hardness that keeps me upright and moving forward – started to soften and I had the strongest impulse to pull myself into a tiny ball and have Ben wrap himself around me.
For me to be the core and him my shield.
I’ve never experienced anything like it before in my life – it’s as if I believe he can make me whole again.
I know – I sound like I’m on drugs. But I promise I’m not. I’m just in love.
Not that that doesn’t scare the shit out of me.
‘Ben?’ I whisper.
‘Yes?’
‘I need to be able to love you in my language. I’m not sure I can do it the way other people do.
I’m not all hearts and roses and eloquent declarations of love.
I don’t work that way,’ I blurt, not entirely sure whether what I’m saying makes sense.
‘But I do love you,’ I assure him. ‘More than I can express right now. Or probably ever. I’m good at glib.
I’m not good at real. As long as you know that about me, we’ll probably be okay. ’ I take a breath. ‘Okay?’
I must look terrified, because he clearly feels the need to reassure me.
‘Of course it’s okay!’ he says, with so much force I jerk back a little.
‘I mean’ – he raises his hand and smooths his fingertips across my cheek – ‘I’ll love you no matter how you choose to express yourself.
I love that you have a different way of connecting with me because it feels like it’s only meant for me.
You get me and I get you. We’re both totally fucked, but that’s okay. We can be fucked together.’
I can’t help but smile, despite the seriousness of the topic.
‘My mother left this huge hole in my heart that I’ve never been able to fill,’ I say.
‘There’ll always be a void there. I’ve tried to plug it with partying and drugs, and anything else I thought would be substantial enough.
But I know there’s nothing that could ever do that.
I think I just need to find a way to live with it.
It’ll always be there. But it doesn’t need to have the same power over my self-worth that it’s had in the past. I can choose to hold the memories of her close, but not at the expense of my happiness.
My mum wouldn’t have wanted that for me.
She loved me. I know that. And I loved her. I still do and I always will.’
‘I think that’s a very healthy way to look at it,’ he says with a kind smile.
At some point I must have dozed off, because I wake with a start when I hear Ben talking to someone in the room.
‘Maya?’ he says gently, kneeling down next to me as I peel my heavy eyelids open.
‘Hey. What’s going on? How long have I been asleep?’
‘About four hours.’
I try to sit up and he helps me, sitting next to me on the sofa and smoothing down my hair for me.
‘The doctor just came in to say that your father’s awake and able to receive visitors.’
‘He’s okay?’ I ask, my voice wobbly with relief.
‘Yes. He’s doing fine.’
‘Oh, thank God,’ I say, getting up. ‘In that case I’m going to tell him that I love him.’
Ben nods, then stands up too, holding out his hand for me to take.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask, a little bemused.
‘I’m coming with you,’ he replies.
I stare at him in shock for a second, before pulling myself together. ‘But he’ll know something’s going on between us if we go in there together,’ I point out.
‘Good. I want him to know.’
I put a trembling hand on his chest, right over his heart.
‘Are you sure? I’ve told you about his reputation for destroying men who piss him off, and if you pick me over April, you can be damn sure he’s going to be pissed off.’
‘I don’t care,’ he says roughly. ‘I’m not sneaking around with you any more like I’m ashamed of what we’re doing. I’m proud to be with you – proud of you.’
Thankfully he opens the door then and ushers me out, so I don’t have a chance to break down in front of him again.
* * *
As we’re walking down the corridor to the private room where my father is in recovery Ben gives my hand a reassuring squeeze. I squeeze it back, then wait for him to drop it before we enter the room.
He doesn’t. If anything, his grip tightens.
Glancing up at him, I see a look of tough resilience on his face and feel my heart flip over.
We’re in this together now.
Pushing open the door, I see that my father is awake and sitting up in bed, though he’s hooked up to the machines next to him and wires trail from his arms and chest. Half of his face is swollen, but when he turns to look at us, I can tell it’s definitely still my father in there from the commanding expression in his eyes.
The poor nurses. I bet he’s been giving them hell.
My father lets out a long-suffering sigh as we stride into the room together. ‘I suspected as much,’ he says, scowling down at where my hand is tightly linked with Ben’s.
‘I’m guessing you’re not keen on the idea of Maya and I having a relationship?’ Ben asks him, as if wanting it absolutely confirmed.
My father frowns – or at least half his face does.
‘I’m happy for you to have closer links with our family, but if all you want is an “in” to it, Chivers, you be better off chasing after April.’
‘I’m not chasing after anyone,’ Ben replies hotly.
‘And you and your family links can go to hell for all I care. I’m in love with Maya – she’s the most compassionate, loving and loyal person I’ve ever met – and I’m prepared to give up the opportunity to have you sit on my board to be with her, no matter the consequences.
She’s far more important to me than any company. ’
His voice has turned into an angry growl by the end of this tirade, but to my surprise, instead of getting angry back, my father slowly nods his head with a look of admiration on his face and holds up his hand as if in surrender.
‘Well, Ben, that’s good enough for me.’
We both stare at him in silence for a moment, stunned by that reaction, but after a second, I’m aware of Ben squeezing my hand. I turn to look at him and the smile he gives me makes my insides melt.
I allow myself to revel in the emotion I’m feeling for just a moment, poignantly aware that it’s something I’ve not felt for a very long time.
Happiness. Pure, unadulterated happiness.
The sound of my father clearing his throat brings me back into the room and I somehow manage to pull myself together enough to say, ‘I’m glad you’re okay, Daddy. I was really scared when I heard about the crash.’
My father gives me a curt sort of nod, as if all the emotion swirling about the room is getting a bit beyond the pale.
‘Yes, well, thanks for coming to see me.’
I swallow hard, readying myself for what I need to say to him. My throat is suddenly achy with too many years’ worth of withheld emotion, and my eyes are so hot with held-back tears they’re painful.
‘I just wanted to tell you… to let you know… that I love you, and that I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you,’ I force out, preparing myself to hear my father brush my words aside and change the subject.
But to my surprise he reaches out a hand and beckons me towards him. Like a little girl, I walk over and take it, revelling in the warmth of his skin against mine. It’s such a long time since we touched each other like this, and the realisation makes my tears spill over and run down my cheeks.
‘You’re so like your mother,’ he says in a broken voice.
And that totally breaks me.
I lurch forward and gather him to me and he hugs me hard, rubbing his hand in soothing motions on my back like he used to do when I was a little girl and felt ill or scared of the dark.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ he whispers fiercely into my hair.
I sob quietly into his shoulder for a while, letting the waves of relief and regret and grief wash over me until I feel strong enough to let go.
Stepping back, I find Ben has moved to my side. I take his hand, and when I turn to look at him, he smiles at me.
‘Let me take you home now,’ he says quietly.
‘Yes, I’d like that.’
I turn back to my father, who’s already replaced his mask of cool composure. ‘I’ll come and visit you again tomorrow, Daddy.’
He nods. ‘Good, and then you can get me the hell out of here. I can recuperate at home. I don’t need all these bloody doctors trying to tell me what to do.’
I shake my head at him – my father the tyrant.
‘Okay, well, we’ll discuss it tomorrow,’ I say, taking Ben’s hand and squeezing it to let him know I’m ready to leave.
But as we turn to go my father says, ‘Make sure you take good care of my girl, Chivers.’
Ben turns back to him with a smile, then offers his hand to my father, which he shakes.
‘I will, Maxim, I promise you that.’
And with the calm certainty that he really means that flowing through me, we leave the hospital.
‘So, what would you like to do now?’ Ben asks me as we walk out to his car.
His brow is drawn into a concerned frown, as if he’s worried that the scene with my father has broken me. In fact, strangely, I find it’s done the opposite – it’s made me stronger.
It’s going to take me some time to process and come to terms with everything I’ve discovered about myself recently, but I know that if Ben’s with me, supporting me, it’ll make it a whole lot easier.
In fact, I’m almost looking forward to it.
But not right now. Not today.
Today I want to revel in the happiness I feel at being with him. Not as his kinky fling – but as his partner.
‘Well, Mr Chivers, I don’t know about you, but I could happily go back to bed right now and fuck until I can’t remember my own name,’ I say, waggling my eyebrows at him.
I see relief on his face – and something else.
Desire.
‘I think I could get on board with that,’ he says, sliding his arm around my shoulders and pulling me against his strong, gorgeous body.
A body I intend to stay very close to for the rest of my life…
* * *