Chapter 25
Lucas
I knew what was coming. I’d known ever since Stick explained that one call from Grayson Spaulding had made all my problems disappear.
Well, not all my problems. I still had one gigantic issue—how to hang on to Lily.
Stick had said she’d been magnificent with her father on the phone.
It wasn’t hard to imagine. Lily had a steely backbone that I don’t think she even realized she possessed.
Stick wouldn’t give me any of the details of her conversation with her father.
He said she wanted to talk with me about it herself.
So I waited a couple of days after I was released, hoping she’d call. Stick had called her when I got out, to let her know that her father had worked his magic.
And he must be quite the influencer, because I was home Sunday morning before Andy and Mrs. Jankowski were even awake. Nothing would show up anywhere, no record of any wrongdoing. I could only imagine the shit fit George Bell threw when he learned no charges would be filed against me.
A small salve to my otherwise shredded self-worth.
I was happy to realize that not once did I crave the escape of painkillers. It felt…real to feel the shame and all the other shitty feelings that were running through me.
So I let myself feel like shit and waited for Lily to call.
But she didn’t.
On Tuesday, I wasn’t sure whether I should be the one to take Andy to his swimming lesson or ask Stick to do it.
I didn’t want to piss Lily off by being there, or put her in an awkward position.
But damn, I wanted to see her. The ache I felt at knowing I’d probably lost her was so much worse than when my shoulder blew apart.
Because no surgery was going to fix this.
I ended up taking Andy to the lesson on Tuesday, and I watched from the spectator area, just like I had the first time I ever saw Lily.
She knew I was there, but she didn’t catch my eye. No sly smiles, no sassy blown kisses like she’d done on one occasion.
Afterward, I waited in the hallway for Andy with the moms. They chatted a little bit with each other as we all waited for our kids. But I stayed apart, trying to think of something great to say to Lily when she brought Andy to me. Something so sterling that she’d have to stay with me.
I even thought about playing the “Andy needs you” card, but that wouldn’t be fair—to either one of them.
Andy came out of the boys’ locker room with Freddy and ran over to me. “I’m getting better, right, Lucas?” he said, looking up at me, anticipation—and adoration—on his little face.
Adoration I so obviously did not deserve.
“You bet you are. You’re going to be swimming laps like Lily before you know it.” He puffed up like a peacock and I placed my hand on his wet head.
I didn’t know Grayson Spaulding, but I sent up a silent prayer of thanks to the man for allowing me to be there for Andy. To not have his life thrown off the rails any more than it already had been.
Lily came out with the little girls and two of them went over to Freddy, while the other two stayed with Lily.
“Let’s go talk to Lily,” Andy said, pulling on my hand.
“Wait a second, buddy. Let her talk with the mothers first. We’ll talk with her last.”
He waited like a six-year-old, which is to say, not very patiently.
Finally everybody had cleared out except for the three of us. We moved to her side and she gave Andy a bright smile, while not meeting my eyes.
“And my favorite student! You did a great job today, Andy. I think next time you’ll be able to float on your back without me holding you. Think so?”
He nodded his head, not quite enthusiastically, but not wanting to disappoint Lily, either.
Smart kid. I could tell him that disappointing Lily was one craptastic feeling.
“Can I talk with you for a minute?” she asked me. It was the first time she’d looked directly at me since I’d left her dorm room Saturday morning. Only four days ago, and yet an eternity. A lifetime.
“Of course,” I said. We walked down the hall to one of the empty classrooms—the same one where she’d been upset about not having enough substance to write a paper on the person she was.
What a load of shit. She had more substance at eighteen than most forty-year-olds I knew.
“Andy, want to draw on the chalkboard while I talk with Lily for a second?” I said. He gave me a questioning look. Probably wondering if we were going to discuss his progress. “It’s not about swim lessons. It’s about something else.”
His face turned to smug and knowing, and he nodded and turned, entering the classroom.
I watched to make sure he was fine with drawing, then I shut the door.
There was a window in it, so I’d be able to keep an eye on Andy as we stood in the deserted hallway.
There wasn’t much trouble he could get into in the old classroom, anyway.
“Lily,” I said, then cleared my throat. Too much emotion was welling up and I wanted to be able to say my piece—state my case, such as it was—as objectively as I could.
“I said from the beginning I’m not what you need, Lily. But, God, I want to be. I want to try to be exactly what you need.”
“Lucas—”
“And I know it sounds like bullshit, but you have to know I would never have stolen that car if there weren’t…extenuating circumstances.”
“Stick told me why you needed the money.”
I nodded, panic rising in me. I so did not want to be the guy who made excuses for his mistakes.
I wouldn’t tell her that the car belonged to George Bell, Andy’s father.
What difference would it make, anyway? “Yeah. And, well, you just need to know that I realize what a stupid move it was, and in no way am I back in that life. I meant what I said to you…that’s all in the past.”
“I know,” she said. No challenging, no questioning. And yet there was such a sadness in her voice that I knew it didn’t matter what I said.
She was done with me. And I didn’t blame her.
“Well…I don’t know that there’s anything left to say,” I said, hoping—praying—I was wrong.
“Lucas, you need to know that, although we can’t see each other anymore, it’s not because of what you did Saturday night. Or at least not what I think about what you did.”
What did that mean? On one hand she seemed to understand that George’s Jag was a one-time deal and very—very—bad judgment on my part. It raised a glimmer of hope within me.
But she’d led with “even though we can’t see each other anymore.” Which were the words I had expected to hear today. And yet they still cut like a surgeon’s scalpel.
“What is the reason we can’t see each other?” But I was starting to guess. Grayson Spaulding was some kind of genius political strategist, and there was no way he was going to lift a finger unless there was something in it for him. “Your father,” I said, so she wouldn’t have to.
She nodded. She looked up at me, and I could see the tears starting to gather in her beautiful eyes. “You need to know that I think you’re exactly what I need. That I’ve never needed…never wanted…anyone like I have you.”
“And I let you down.”
She was shaking her head a little too emphatically.
“No. You did what you felt you had to. It wasn’t the right choice, but I can see how you felt it was the only choice.
” She swallowed, looking away for a second, then looked straight at me—as always, taking my breath away.
“And I did too. Made the choice I felt was the right one.”
I nodded. If she’d given me the choice Saturday night—stay in jail, incur a record that would jeopardize Andy’s stability, or lose Lily—I probably would have made the same choice.
And it would have killed me as much as it was killing Lily.
I pulled her into my arms just as her tears spilled over. She clutched at me, and I wrapped her so tight I wasn’t sure either of us would be able to breathe.
“Oh, Lucas,” she said, her words muffled by my hoodie as she buried her head in my chest.
“You did the right thing. It sucks, and it’s my fault. But…thank you. Thank you so much, Lily.”
“Jane said I should just keep seeing you on the sly.” She lifted her head from my chest, and looked up at me.
The pain in her eyes rivaled mine, and I wished like hell I could take it for her.
Bear it all myself. She sniffled and gave her head a tiny shake.
“But I gave my word, you know? I can’t go back on that. It was a deal I willingly made.”
There was a tiny question in her voice, and it seemed like there could be a very small crack there, a tiny space for wiggle room where maybe I could spin it so Lily and I could still see each other.
But no, that was not the person Lily was. She might not know who she was yet, but I knew she was a person of honesty and integrity, and I did not want to be the one who crumbled that.
Shit, I wanted to emulate it.
“I know,” I said, pulling her back into me, my hand in her glorious hair, holding her head into my chest again. “I know you gave your word, Lily. And I know you’ll keep it. That’s why I love you.”
Her arms snaked around my waist, and we stood like that, her quietly crying, me doing my best not to.
Later, but not now. Now I could be strong for Lily, like she had been for me.
I gauged about the time when Andy would get bored and come barreling out of the classroom. Just before what I deemed that moment to be, I pulled away from Lily and wiped her tears away with my thumb.
I moved to kiss her, but stopped myself. What was the point? It would only remind me of the sweetness I would never again taste.
“I love you, Lucas,” she whispered.
“I love you too,” I said, taking my hands from her face, stepping away.
Proving my timing correct, Andy opened the door to the classroom and declared himself starving.
“Let’s get you home and fed,” I said, steering Andy away from the love of my life.
“See you Thursday,” Andy called back to Lily. I saw the stricken look on her face at the thought of having to go through the pain of seeing each other—and yet not—two days from now.
“I’ll have Stick bring him on Thursday, and both days next week,” I said.
Next week would be the last two sessions.
I’d looked into more lessons for Andy next semester, but there would be nearly a month before those started up.
And if Lily was one of the instructors, I’d have to rethink it entirely.
“Thanks,” she said to the solution of Stick coming in my place for the last three lessons.
“And I’ll be done with the steam room next week, too,” I said.
She nodded. “Okay. I’m sure it will look great.”
I shrugged. It would look great to me, but I thought it would seem like a lopsided tiling job to pretty much everybody else. Frank had approved my plan, though, and had been happy with my work thus far, so I was covered.
“This was your building first,” I said, trying to make light in a moment that was breaking my heart.
And hers too, if her eyes were any indication. Though she put a tremulous smile on her face as she said, “You’re damn right. You may have had it on loan, but that steam room is mine.” Her voice wobbled at the last and she looked away. Then turned away.
“Bye, Lily,” I said, and started walking away from her, Andy tagging along at my side, then dashing ahead of me.
“Goodbye, Lucas,” I thought I heard her say, but I wasn’t sure.