Chapter 13 #4
“Yes, you did,” her mother said quietly, and somehow the simple acknowledgment hurt less than any excuse would have. “But the Lord didn’t leave you alone in there, did He? Liam and Teague showed up. Noah will make a full recovery.”
“But what if they hadn’t?” The question that had been haunting her tumbled out. “What if next time there’s no one to save him because I can’t? What if—”
“Don’t push away everyone you could possibly love because you’re afraid to fail them, Meg. That’s not living. That’s not what your father would have wanted for you.”
“But I did fail him. I failed Noah when he needed me.”
“Maybe.” Her mother’s voice was gentle but honest. “But the Lord didn’t fail him, and he lived. Noah is alive, sweetheart. He’s okay. You have to stop running from everyone and everything because you’re terrified of being human.”
“I’m not sure I can.” The admission felt like defeat.
“You can’t be perfect, Meg. No one can. No one in the history of humanity has ever been perfect except Jesus.”
“I don’t need to be perfect.” Frustration leaked into her voice. “I just don’t want to be broken.”
“We’re all broken, baby.” Her mother’s voice softened, filled with a tenderness that made Meg’s chest ache.
“Every single one of us. But when we let the Lord shine His light on our broken edges, when we stop trying to hide all the fractured, messy pieces—that’s when we get a beautiful kaleidoscope of life.
All those broken parts creating something more beautiful than they ever could have been if they’d remained perfect and whole. ”
The words settled over Meg, warm and heavy.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
Could it be that simple? Could brokenness actually be the point instead of the problem?
She pulled off the highway onto the road leading to the canyon, the familiar landscape blurring through her tears—red rock and juniper, ponderosa pine and vast blue sky.
“I’m scared, Mom,” she whispered.
“I know, sweetheart. But you can’t let fear steal something precious just because you’re terrified it might hurt.
” Her mother paused. “Love isn’t about being perfect for someone.
It’s about being broken together and choosing each other anyway.
It’s about forgiveness—forgiving yourself, forgiving others, accepting grace when you fall short. ”
Meg turned onto the road leading to her cabin, her hands steady on the wheel now. The sun was setting, painting the canyon walls in shades of orange and gold.
“What if I can’t forgive myself?” The question came out small.
“Then you start by letting Noah forgive you. By letting the Lord forgive you. By accepting that being human means failing sometimes, and that’s okay.
” Her mother’s voice was thick with emotion.
“Your father loved you so much, Meg. He wouldn’t want you spending the rest of your life punishing yourself for something that was never your fault to begin with.
And I am confident that Noah doesn’t want you blaming yourself either. ”
A fresh wave of tears spilled down Meg’s cheeks, but these felt different somehow. Cleaner. “I don’t know what to do,” she admitted.
“Yes, you do. You’re just scared to do it.” Her mother’s voice held a gentle smile. “But I’ll tell you anyway—stop running. Stay. Fight for that man who loves you. Let yourself be loved, broken edges and all. Noah has faults, weaknesses, problems, broken parts of himself.”
His need to control flowed through Meg’s mind, along with his struggle to let her love him, the grief he was still working through.
Her mom wasn’t done.
“Are his flaws and rough edges worth walking away from?”
Meg swallowed hard. “No.”
“Then extend Noah the same courtesy and let him accept your flaws as well. You have to stop punishing yourself. Stop running from grace.”
Meg pulled into her regular parking spot and sat there with the engine idling, staring at the darkening sky. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Then perhaps you need to trust the One who can help you do it. I love you, sweetheart. So much.”
They said goodbye and Meg sat in the silence, the last light fading from the canyon walls.
She’d prayed more times than she could count for the Lord to completely take away her anxiety, and He hadn’t. The panic attacks still came. The nightmares still woke her gasping.
What was the point of asking for something else?
Besides, maybe it was too late to change course. There was less than a week until the Pennsylvania job started. Virgil had already hired her replacement—some doctor from Colorado with an impressive résumé. Virgil had even been generous to let her go sooner than planned so she could get settled.
And with the broken look on Noah’s face when she walked out—that devastation she’d put there—he might never talk to her again.
Maybe she just had to live with the choices she’d made. Live with the consequences. The empty apartment. The new job where no one knew her name. The nights alone.
The life without Noah.
Maybe that was her punishment. Her penance.
The price she had to pay for being broken.