Chapter 29
Jane
I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. I heard everything he said, but it was like the words were surrounding me in quicksand, and I couldn’t find any solid ground.
We were sitting in Yvette, in Lot H. I’d met him there at our regular time even though he’d had to cancel the past two days.
Lot H. The scene of many a mind-blowing make-out session. And now Stick was telling me that he’d knocked up some girl.
I wanted to rage at him—totally annihilate him. But I didn’t want him to know how much I cared. How much it hurt.
“Well, that sucks for you,” I said. He just stared at me.
I wanted to open Yvette’s door, push him out of the passenger side, start her up and roar her to life and get out of this sucky parking lot.
“I mean, I get it. We never discussed exclusivity. I’m just glad we were always careful,” I said instead, in some breezy tone that I conjured up.
Damn, now I really wished he didn’t know that I’d been a virgin.
I could pretend I’d been sleeping with someone else too.
And that thought—that Stick had been sleeping with someone else (even though, yes, he had every right…technically)—just about broke my heart. Not that I’d ever let him know that.
He snorted in disgust. Like he had the right to show disgust at what I said.
“That’s not it. I’ve been faithful to you, Jane. It was exclusive to me. I told her that I was out—casual as it was—after that first day.”
There were a lot of “firsts” with Stick. “Which first day?”
“The day I brought you Yvette. The day you told me about you and your mom going to sit outside Caro’s house when you were a kid.
The day you kissed the shit out of me,” he said.
He smiled at the last, a sad, soft smile, and part of me thought that maybe we’d make it through this. Weather this—baby-sized—storm.
“There’s only been you, Jane. Ever since that day. Before it, actually. Since Betsy’s wedding. I just didn’t say the words until that day. But I knew.”
I’d known too, even though I hadn’t admitted it to myself at the time. Barely admitted it to myself now, after spending nearly every afternoon with the guy for over the past two months.
“And I was careful with Shelly. Every time. But, you know…”
Yeah, I knew. Shit happened. And now Shelly was carrying his baby.
Shelly. Stupid name.
He took my hand, held it in his on top of the console, our fingers laced together.
It was much warmer now, but his hand felt like ice, and I bet that mine was just as cold.
There was pain on his face as he whispered my name, just staring at me.
Not leaning in for a kiss. Not trying to get me over the console. Just looking at me.
The old me, the real Jane, would have pounced on his moment of weakness. Would have berated him for being careless (even though apparently he hadn’t been). Would have used this moment to pull away from him and a relationship that could go nowhere even yesterday. Today, it was beyond impossible.
And yet I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I waited for him to say he wanted to try and make it work. For him to say yeah, it was complicated and uncomfortable, but what we had was worth seeing through.
But he didn’t say that. And I…wouldn’t.
He cleared his throat. I could see the struggle he was going through, and though I knew where it was all leading, I couldn’t help but think about how handsome he was to me now.
When, at first, I’d thought he was just ragtag and a little scraggy.
Now, I saw the strength of his jaw, the determination in his face, the warmth in his brown eyes.
“I have to stand by her, Jane. I can’t deny my own child. I won’t.”
Then. Then was when I fell in love with Stick Whatever.
He couldn’t possibly know how much that particular sentiment, those particular words, would mean to me—someone who herself had been denied. Loudly and publicly.
Or maybe he did. Maybe he knew that was exactly what I needed to hear so that I could understand his choice.
A choice I knew he’d already made. A choice that would break my heart, just as I’d begun to understand its complicated ways.
“And…I just don’t…want to be an asshole about this all. You know? I can’t keep seeing you while somebody else is carrying my child.”
“Maybe carrying your child,” I said. “You said she wasn’t sure.” My voice sounded desperate, and I hated that.
Squeezing my hand, Stick let out a loud sigh, mirroring the heaviness in my own heart. “Yeah. Maybe my child. But we won’t know for a while.”
“And you want to put us on hold until then? Until after the baby’s born?”
He shrugged, taking his hand from mine and facing forward, and I knew I’d lost him. No matter what I said, no matter what compromises I made. Me, who had fought compromise with both fists until a few months ago.
Until I’d agreed to be in the stupid wedding where I danced with Stick and he took my breath away.
“By that time your semester will be almost over. You’ll be leaving shortly after that to go out on the trail for your father.”
So, we’d always had a short shelf life? The duration of my freshman year? The life expectancy of…Caro?
I hadn’t felt it was short term with us, and didn’t think he really did either, but I didn’t call him on it.
“That’s true,” I said, not trusting my voice to say more than that.
He looked over at me, as if he wanted to read whether what I’d said was true or not.
I didn’t look away. He sighed again and looked out the passenger window.
“So, how do you proceed with…Shelly?”
“I’m helping out where I can. She’s got shitty health insurance, so I can help with the huge deductible. We’ve talked about her moving into my place, since it’s two bedrooms and it doesn’t look like Lucas is moving back anytime soon. She can save money that way.”
I desperately wanted to ask which bedroom she’d be using once the baby was born. Or even before, for that matter, now that Stick wouldn’t be sleeping with me. But I kept my mouth shut.
“Are you…okay for money?” I asked. I had no idea what Caro (or Grayson?) was paying him, but it couldn’t be as lucrative as stealing cars. Which didn’t seem to matter to him before, but now with another mouth to feed…and Shelly. Mustn’t forget Shelly’s mouth as well.
Plus, there would come a time—soon, apparently—when he would not be paid to be Caro’s caregiver. Would he still continue working for Grayson in some other capacity?
“Yeah, I’m good,” he said, still looking away.
“Promise me you won’t go back to stealing cars for money. If you need any—”
“I won’t. I’m done with that life,” he said. “I was actually starting to look into going to nursing school.” He glanced at me, but then away. I could tell he was kind of embarrassed about talking over his future plans with me now.
“Oh,” I said.
He shrugged. “It was Caro’s idea. She thought I’d be good at it. Home nursing in particular. I’d looked into it, but I don’t know…”
“You would be good at it,” I said with complete conviction.
“I never saw you with your dad, but with Caro you’re gentle and understanding, and yet you’re tough when you need to be.
You don’t seem to be squeamish over the…
gross stuff. And you seem to really grasp the medical part of it all.
You’re more than just a caregiver to Caro. ”
He absolutely was. I’d seen him set up an IV for Caro when she’d been dehydrated, and heard him discussing her meds and condition on the phone with her doctors. He’d come up with ways of helping her manage her pain, or if not, at least distracting her from it.
He shrugged again, looked backed out the window. “Yeah, well, that’s on hold now. But yeah, I’ve got options. I can always work at my dad’s old garage. It’d be okay pay.”
We sat that way for a long time. Me thinking about Stick’s future. Being a father, having a bond with his baby’s mother, which would eventually blossom into more without me hanging around his neck.
I sensed (or maybe foolishly hoped) that if I’d made a case, he might have relinquished the no-seeing-each-other part. But to what end? Did I really want to be dating a baby daddy, always wondering what was going on at home with the baby momma?
No.
“One more thing?” I finally said.
He turned to me, and I could see his eyes were a little glassy with unshed tears.
I thought about how much he probably hated that.
Hated that I saw all that raw emotion from him.
I would have hated it too, and said a silent blessing that I had enough of my parents’ genes in me to be able to hide it.
“Anything,” he said.
“You need to show me how to put the top down on this thing.”
He let out kind of a half-laugh/half-sob and just nodded, already showing me how to do it, careful not to touch me as he leaned over and showed me the controls.
When the top was down and the March sun shone in, it felt like all our secrets had been given up to the light of day.
Our past kisses in Lot H wafted away with the light breeze, as if they’d never happened.
It smelled of fresh spring air, and I longed for the cold days where we could see our breath, and when we’d get close to each other and couldn’t tell whose was whose.
“When you come to see Caro, I’ll just hang out in the garage,” he said.
I nodded. “I probably won’t see her as much now with Betsy and Joey coming back.” He’d told me Caro had told her kids the truth about her condition and asked them to come home. Betsy would arrive tomorrow and Joey later in the week.
“Don’t let them stop you. I know Caro will want you to be there, while—”
“It’s not my place,” I said.
He gave a lopsided smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “When has that ever stopped you?”
It would stop me this time. “We’ll see,” I said.
“Well…”
“Well…”
“Take care, Jane,” he said, and got out of my car. The car he chose for me.
“You too,” I said, turning Yvette on to cover the quaver in my voice. I drove out of the parking lot before he did. I knew he would turn left, so I turned right, not knowing where I was going.
I drove in a daze, but was so good with Yvette now that it was okay to be on autopilot. I took a country road away from Schoolport, but not in the direction of Chesney.
I found a deserted spot and pulled over.
I grabbed the scarf and sunglasses Stick had given me from my backpack and put them on, tying the scarf around my head, then neck so it would stay on.
Yes, very French-looking indeed. Getting back onto the road, I opened up Yvette, loving how the wind rushed past me with the top down for the first time.
I shifted with ease, knowing the instant she needed to go higher. Needing to go there with her.
And thinking how much Stick would have loved it.