Chapter 21
Syd
I woke up to see Billy at his desk, hunched over his laptop. I watched for a moment from the couch, loving the feel of his coat on my body, and his scarf across my shoulders. I stretched, my body aching in several delicious places, and still he kept typing. And typed. And typed.
God, he was writing! I don’t know how I knew, but I did.
I totally sensed it. He was writing. And from the look of determination on his face, I’d guess he’d been doing so for a while.
I leaned over and grabbed my phone from the floor where it must have fallen when I was hurrying to get my clothes off of me, and his hands on me.
Three-thirty in the morning. My guess was that I’d dozed off around midnight.
I didn’t know if he had slept too, but if not, he’d been writing for quite some time.
He could have been writing every day for the past month I supposed, but I didn’t think so. If I had to guess, I’d say that Billy Montrose was on his first real writing jag in five years.
I didn’t slide off the couch and elbow crawl my way across the floor, or anything, but I was quiet as I left the couch and put on my clothes. I could tell he saw my movement—there was a tiny flinch in his jaw—but his fingers kept flying and I kept quietly putting myself together.
I would have loved to watch him work all night long, but I sensed this might be a pivotal moment for him, and I didn’t want to impose, even as close as I felt we were. I guess you didn’t get much closer than him being inside me.
No, that wasn’t true. I’d had sex with boys with whom I’d never felt close to. In fact, I’d only had sex with boys for whom I had no feelings.
But that had been before. Now that I knew what it could be like with someone you liked, admired, respected and…okay, loved, I could never go back to casual hook ups just to feel good, or worse, sleep with someone with the hopes that they’d like me more.
No. Never again. I knew it would end with Billy after the semester, but that was okay. Tonight he’d given me a gift much more precious and valuable than the beautiful scarf.
Fully dressed, I made my way to the desk. As I approached, Billy finally fully noticed my movements and he looked up, a distant look in his eyes. His focus came back on me, and he smiled. “Hey, did I wake you?”
I shook my head. “No. I need to get going.”
He looked at his laptop with a look of regret. “Sure. Let me walk you home.” He started to rise, but I waved him to sit, which he did.
“No, it’s fine. It’s not that far to the dorm. And nobody’s out. I’ll be okay.”
He started to argue, but I kept going. “Besides, you can’t really be seen walking me to my dorm in the middle of the night. I have my pepper spray.” He smiled. “And don’t forget, I come from the mean streets of Queens. I can handle myself.”
He laughed, the sound loud when we’d been speaking so softly. “I’m sure you can. And, you’re right, I probably shouldn’t be at your dorm. I’m sorry about that.”
Not wanting to start the whole “this is wrong” conversation again, I quickly said, “No worries. You keep working.”
I rounded to his side of the desk and as I did, he lowered the lid on his laptop, then smiled at me sheepishly. “Sorry. That was just instinct. I usually don’t let people—”
“Shhh,” I whispered as I leaned over him. “I understand. But I just came over to say thank you for this.” I wrapped the scarf he’d given me around my neck a couple of times. “And to give you this.” I bent down lower and pressed my lips to his.
Immediately the embers sparked to flames and he reached for me. As easily as I could have slid onto his lap and taken off the clothes I’d just put on, I didn’t want to mess with his flow. Or be the reason he stopped. I slid out of his reach, but he grabbed an end of the scarf and held on.
Sliding the luxurious material between his fingers, much like he’d done with my hair earlier, he said, “I like how this looked before better.” Looking at me with animal desire in his eyes, I had to step back or I knew I’d be on top of that desk in seconds, his laptop long forgotten.
Part of me really wanted that. But the part that loved Billy Montrose wanted him to keep on writing, more.
At least this time.
He let go of the scarf and I smiled, silently promising him there would be many more nights where he would be able to see me in nothing but the unique garment.
“Text me when you get to your dorm. If you haven’t texted in fifteen minutes, I’m coming after you.”
“I will,” I said. As I pulled my coat off the hook he again made to rise, but I motioned him to stay. I pointed to the closed laptop. “Open it,” I said as I unlocked and opened his office door. He did. “Write.”
He smiled at me, and after I shut the door behind me, I stood in the deserted hallway a moment and listened. It was hard to tell for sure, but I was pretty certain the clacking of keys began right away.
I walked back to Creyts not even noticing the fierce February wind.
* * *
After I texted Montrose that I was in my room and he responded, I took a long shower, put on my pajamas and left the door to my room from the bathroom open. I was unpacking my bag from the day at my desk when I heard Jane shuffling into my room.
“Hey,” she said as she entered. She was bundled up in her comforter and she crawled onto my former roommate Megan’s unused bed.
Megan had gone home to Nebraska after the first week because her mom had died.
She’d hoped she’d be back for this semester, but she hadn’t shown in January.
At first I’d texted with her a little bit, but I hadn’t heard anything in a while.
I wanted to reach out, but I was also trying to respect her privacy.
I had barely gotten to know her before she was gone.
I knew if it had been me, and my mother had died, I’d be at home now taking care of Duncan and Liam.
There was no way my stepfather would have let me go back to school.
I’d waited for Housing to move someone else into our suite, but they didn’t, even with Megan not coming back for second semester.
So, her bed was mostly a gathering spot for Jane and/or Lily when they came over to my side of the suite.
Sometimes I was really grateful to have the room to myself, often times I truly missed having company, even though Lily and Jane were just a bathroom away.
“Hey,” I said back to Jane as I laid the scarf over my coat, my fingers stroking the fabric. “Sorry I woke you.”
“You didn’t. Or I don’t think you did.”
I felt bad about bailing on Jane tonight, but I could see that under her comforter she was still dressed in leggings and a top. “Were you out?”
“No, I stayed in.”
“Sorry I had to work,” I said. Pulling back my wet hair into a ponytail, I moved over to my bed and climbed in. “Lily with Lucas?” I asked. Jane nodded. “That’s nice, that he was able to get Valentine’s off and that they can be alone together,” I said.
“I guess,” Jane answered, shrugging. Unsentimental as always.
I thought about Lily and Lucas out tonight.
He’d probably taken her out to dinner. Maybe they’d gone somewhere else after for dessert or dancing.
I knew I would never have that with Billy.
I wouldn’t have traded the past few hours for anything, but to have him look at me like he had, but over a candlelit dinner in some restaurant would have been nice too.
I sighed and stretched, placing my arms over my face, trying to blot out the thoughts of the road blocks that Billy and I would face for the rest of our time together.
“It’s so easy for them, hey?” I said, thinking again about Lily and her boyfriend.
“They both know they love each other. There’s no drama.
No should-they-or-shouldn’t-they. It’s nice, right? ”
I could feel Jane’s eyes on me, but I kept my face covered. “Well, it wasn’t easy at first, remember?”
That was true. “But it was never because she didn’t trust her feelings, right? It was just shit that got in their way,” I said.
Jane didn’t answer, I guess caught up in her own thoughts.
“It’s just so hard, you know,” I said. I wasn’t really talking about Lily anymore, but I didn’t let on about that to Jane.
We lay in silence for a bit more, then I heard Jane get off Megan’s bed (I still thought of it as her bed) and make her way to the connecting bathroom. “This new?” she asked.
I looked up and saw her holding the scarf.
I nodded, and willed my body not to blush.
“Just got it,” I said. It was true, but I knew the answer was nondescript enough that Jane would figure I’d gotten it in the past few days.
I propped myself up on my elbows and watched Jane hold the scarf that had recently kept me warm after Billy left me sleeping on the couch to start writing.
“It’s beautiful,” Jane said, sounding sincere.
“Thanks,” I said. Jane held it up to the light, then draped it back over my coat on the chair. The colors shone more brightly in this light than the dim desk lamp of Billy’s office.
“Good thing you picked up a second job,” Jane said as she turned to leave.
I wanted to tell her to stop so I could tell her everything.
I wanted someone else to know of my joy, and yes, my confusion over my feelings.
I wanted to tell her that my second job was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and that the scarf wasn’t a purchase of my own, but a gift from the man I’d loved for five years.
To tell her that he’d thought of me while skiing in Switzerland and had held the scarf against my quivering skin only hours ago.
But of course I couldn’t tell Jane any of that. Nor Lily. And certainly not my mother, or anyone else back in Queens.
Montrose was mine, at least for the semester. But he was also a secret.
“Yeah, good thing,” I said quietly as Jane walked out of my room.