Chapter 29
I woke up this morning with a weight on my chest, both figuratively and literally. A twang of guilt tugged at my heart when I glanced down to where Kaia’s head rested on my chest, directly over my heart, her naked body tucked up close against mine like she belonged there.
A couple of the guys would have me believe that sex is different when your partner isn’t some random stranger you picked up at a bar, a woman whose name you can’t remember and whose face will fade from memory the second they leave when it’s all over.
That sex feels more meaningful when it’s with someone you care about, when it’s not just about your pleasure, but the pleasure you’re giving them.
I never believed them until last night.
I felt tied to her in a way I’ve never experienced.
Not just physically connected, but emotionally too.
I took the time to figure out what she liked, where she liked to be touched.
Learned every place on her body she liked to be kissed.
I ate up every whimper, every cry of pleasure that escaped her.
I revelled in watching her come undone beneath me, giving herself over to her pleasure.
It was the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen.
For weeks I’ve resisted getting too attached to her, but after last night that resistance has well and truly snapped. I can’t wrap my head around this hold she has on me. But all I know is that I can’t bear to be away from her for even a second.
She’s allowed me to claim her innocence, and in doing so, she’s claimed a part of me too.
That’s why I had to get out of there, why I’m currently shredding the skin from my knuckles as I hammer my fists against the punching bag in my garage instead of being where I really want to be.
Which is upstairs lying next to her, holding her, enjoying her warmth and the comfort that comes with being near her.
It’s a distraction from my racing thoughts. The things I’m feeling are all new to me and I don’t know how to make sense of them.
She gave me her first time, and in the last few weeks she’s had several of mine. She’s ridden on the back of my bike, something I never allow. She’s the first person I’ve kissed in years and here she is staying in my house, sleeping in my bed.
I’m breaking all my rules for her. Rules set out to protect me. Rules I wanna keep on breaking.
But how am I supposed to look her in the eye knowing what I’ve done?
I pound the bag again and it swings back violently on its chain.
Running a hand through my sweat-soaked hair, I notice a figure in my periphery leaning up against the door frame watching me.
She’s wearing one of my shirts and fuck if it doesn’t look better on her than it ever did on me. It ends mid-thigh, those long creamy legs that were wrapped around my waist and crushing my skull last night on full display, smooth and bare.
She crosses her arms over her chest. “I can think of a hundred things to do to start the morning, and pounding a punching bag isn’t one of them.”
“So can I, only you were asleep and somnophilia’s not really my thing.”
A laugh slips free, her mouth spreading into a wide smile, her lips still pink and swollen from the hours I spent kissing them last night.
My chest pulls tight and I dart my eyes away, turning back towards the punching bag. I feel her watching me as I throw a few more punches before she pushes off the door frame, and I hear her exploring the garage.
“What’s all this?” she asks. “Never took you for a hoarder.”
I glance over my shoulder to see her wandering over to the pile of old junk in the corner of the garage.
I shrug. “Just some shit I’ve never gotten round to getting rid of.”
She pulls back a piece of tarpaulin to reveal a spare wheel for one of my old bikes, a Harley Davidson Nightster and tosses me a glance and a smirk. “Do you have a bike to go with this? And preferably another wheel or do you ride unicycles too?”
I force a smile, guilt stabbing me right through the chest. I can’t bring myself to meet her gaze because I’m afraid she’ll see right through me.
Like somehow she’ll know I’m the biggest asshole on the planet.
And not only that, my worst fear has come true.
I’m attached to her and hurting her is going to be the end of me.
I pull back my arm, ready to strike the bag when her voice stops me.
“Did I do something wrong?”
I drop my fist, squeezing my eyes shut and turn to her. “Why d’ya say that?”
She wraps her arms around herself. “Because you’ve barely been able look at me since I walked in here.”
Fuck.
“Look, if you regret last night, just tell me so I know where I stand. You don’t have to tip toe around me, Killian, I can handle rejection, but what I can’t handle is silence and being given the cold shoulder.”
The look of rejection on her face almost kills me.
“You think I regret what we did?”
Her eyes lift to mine. “Don’t you?”
Shaking my head, I make my way towards her. “You couldn’t be more wrong, butterfly. I don’t regret a single second.”
Every word is the truth.
I bend to lift her, placing her on top of the workbench behind her, standing between her spread legs.
“Then what is it?” she presses, searching my eyes.
Tell her the truth.
Tell her what you’ve done.
I drop my gaze. “I’m not the man you think I am, Kaia. I don’t deserve you.”
She reaches for me, lifting my chin, forcing me to look at her.
“I don’t know where you got that idea from because it’s complete bullshit.
As cliché as it sounds, last night was the best night of my life and it’s all because of you.
You made me feel worshipped and safe, something I’ve never felt before.
But you wanna know what meant the most to me last night? ”
“Aside from my toe-curling orgasms?” The corner of my mouth twitch with a smirk.
She rolls her eyes again. “Yes, aside from those. What meant the most was when you kissed me. That was…everything.”
It meant everything to me too.
I lean in and press my mouth to hers, my hands cupping her face to hold her close.
It’s deep and unhurried unlike last night.
Last night I was so desperate for her there was no room for gentleness or patience.
But this… it’s the kind of kiss you can get lost in, the kind of kiss that says a thousand words despite not a single one spoken.
I’m sorry. Forgive me.
I don’t deserve to feel this happy after what I’ve done.
I think I’m falling…
I force that last thought from my mind, shutting it down, but it’s still there. Lingering. Niggling at me.
I break the kiss, still holding her face. “Seeing you come on my cock for the first time will surely become one of the highlights of my life.”
She fights back a smile with a roll of her eyes. “You say the most romantic things.”
“But you wanna know something? Kissing you is about as close to heaven as I’ll ever get, because I’m surely going to hell.”
“You really are a romantic at heart, aren’t you?” she teases.
“And if you tell a single person, I’ll have to put you over my knee.”
My dick twitches in my sweats. He likes that idea.
“You shouldn’t threaten me with a good time, I might just accidentally let it slip.”
My hands squeeze her ass. “Oh, butterfly… You’re just racking up the spankings I’m gonna give you, but then I think you’d enjoy it, wouldn’t you?”
I give her a little slap on her ass, the sound making my dick twitch. She gasps, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as her cheeks redden.
“I knew it. My dirty fucking girl. My good girl.”
I didn’t forget my promise to explore the praise kink I discovered during our naughty little phone call at Thanksgiving.
I made sure to tell her how good she was for me, how fucking stunning she looked as she squeezed my cock and I loved every minute.
I’m gonna enjoy exploring it with her a little more.
“So, does this mean we’re like… together?”
My jaw tightens. “I’ve never been in a relationship, Kaia. I don’t know how to be. I don’t know how to do this.” How can someone like me be what she needs me to be? Am I capable of that? I want to be. “But I’ll try,” I add.
Her eyes soften, the hint of a smile on her lips. “We don’t have to label anything or rush whatever this is, all I ask is that while we’re together you don’t sleep with other women.”
I reach up to brush a stray hair that’s fallen across her face and tuck it behind her ear.
“I don’t want anyone else. I know I have a reputation, but you and me?
This is different. I only ever want one night, but I think I might want you forever,” I confess, that last part falling from my mouth so easily.
Her eyes light up with hope. “Really?”
“Yes. And after I help you out of that shirt you’re wearing, finding you naked underneath, I’m going to do a number of highly indecent things to you and you’ll be in no doubt that you’re mine, and that I’m yours.”
I do my best to ignore the stab of guilt in my gut as I kiss her, my fingers teasing the hem of my shirt she’s wearing when my mind returns to how all of this started and how all of this ends.