Chapter 2 #2
I’d barely had an album reach the top five of the charts the first time I was on Eric’s show.
The album I’d released right before the interview – Infinite Ghost – had only reached the fourth spot.
My first had peaked at six, which is why I was the first slot on the show, rather than Alex Pauls, a Hollywood actor with at least six Oscars to his name at the time, or Lucie Louise, who won The Grammy Award for Best New Artist the year before.
The first Grammy I was nominated for but didn’t win.
A tear comes to my eye, and I swallow down the emotion which still hits me at inconvenient times.
Emotions which still feel overwhelming when I’m sitting in my too-large, too-empty house on my own, or when I get in the shower, or let myself think for too long.
The emotions which are all consuming, choking down my words.
This is not the time.
‘…Sienna Martin!’
The doors are opening, and the audience screams, even despite online reaction to Benji-gate. Less than a thousand people shout so loudly that the floor shakes under my feet. There’s one scream which pierces louder, sharper, longer than any of the others.
I take a seat on the sofa. ‘Hi, Eric,’ I smile.
‘Sienna! It’s so lovely to have you back.’
‘It’s so great to be here.’
‘So, your new album Your Email Didn’t Find Me Well went straight to the top spot on the charts as soon as it was released – no surprises there.’
‘That’s not something I’ll ever get used to, Eric.’ I hit everything Jess told me to say. ‘It’s been a really exciting whirlwind since I woke up on release day.’ That’s an understatement.
‘Well, Sienna Martin. You are smashing it.’
The crowd starts cheering again and I don’t know where to look. A smile, a half laugh, escapes my lips and I cross my legs for something to do.
‘Well, let me tell the audience here and at home what’s happened so far this week.
’ Eric turns to the camera. ‘The album went straight to number one on release day, and it’s breaking all kinds of Spotify records…
Let me see… It’s broken the record for the fastest album this year to reach a million streams. What else, oh, it also broke the record for how quickly it reached the most streamed album in a day. ’
He takes a deep breath, and I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face, tears welling in my eyes. I swallow yet another lump in my throat, forcing the emotion back down.
‘I can go on.’
‘You keep going. I’m not going to complain,’ I say, flicking my hair over my shoulder and flashing a wink at the audience.
And he does continue, listing practically every achievement I’ve accomplished over the first few days of Your Email Didn’t Find Me Well.
‘You know, I still think Infinite Ghost is my favourite song of yours. Such a bop,’ Eric grins.
Infinite Ghost was the first song Eric ever asked me about.
I told him it was about ‘that person who keeps blowing in and out of your life, a person with whom you don’t quite know where you stand’.
So, Infinite Ghost became a song about the person you find yourself falling in love with, but every time you start to get somewhere, when you realise you’re starting to get close, they distance themselves until they’re no longer in your life at all.
I didn’t tell him the truth. I’ve never told anyone the truth.
It’s a lot of people’s favourite songs. I’m not sure it’s mine.
‘But,’ Eric continues. ‘Kind Regards is coming in as a close second favourite. Who knows, maybe one day it’ll overtake!’ Eric dips under his desk and pulls out one of my new vinyls and places it pride of place on his desk, where office workers and doctors have pictures of their kids.
‘I think Kind Regards is also my favourite song on the album.’ I pause. ‘Can I have favourites?’
‘They’re not your children!’ Eric laughs in that way Eric Lancaster laughs, which makes millions of people across the country join in, filling homes with joy. That should be his slogan. ‘That’s why it’s the lead single, right?’
‘It was a blast to record.’
‘It’s also… heartbreaking.’ Eric brings his hand up to his chest, acting like he’s been shot.
He turns to the camera. ‘For those who haven’t heard it, although I think most of you will have…
it’s this really unbelievably sad song, but the upbeat melody will make you sing and dance while you scream about how you’ve never been hurt like this, and you want to die. ’
‘Excellent review. I’ll take it as a testimonial. Thanks, Eric.’
The audience laughs.
‘What was your inspiration behind it?’
I had been dreading this question, but I knew it was coming – Eric loves to ask about my inspiration behind songs. I find the rehearsed response to this question in my head.
‘Kind Regards is about that space between a break-up and getting over someone, when you’re absolutely devastated, don’t know what to do with yourself without them…
’ I ignore the croaking in my voice which seems to have returned with a vengeance.
That stupid cold. ‘But you also ended so… well that you don’t have that anger to help you through it.
Instead, you’re in love but devastated.’ I smile sadly.
‘Nothing could ever hurt so much.’ Eric shakes his head, seemingly lost in his own memories.
‘There’s no pain like it,’ I agree.
‘And is that someone still in your life?’
I make the mistake of looking out into the audience and spotting Luc standing near one of the cameras in the studio, despite the bright lights trying to blind me from seeing him.
‘Not in the same way, no,’ I reply, tearing my gaze away.
At least he wasn’t when I wrote the damn song.
A single bead of sweat pours down the back of my neck but I ignore it. ‘I don’t think you write a song like that about someone who is still in your life.’ I pause again and a smile tugs at the corner of my lips.
‘No, I don’t suppose you do…’ Eric says and then grins. ‘Now, I don’t want to take credit for your first number one album…’
‘You can take the credit all you like, Eric. It was you.’
My third album went to number one a few days after Eric asked me where my inspiration for Blue Sunflowers came from.
It was a song I’d put as a track seven on Infinite Ghost, written for my dad who died a few days before the release of my second album – an experience which shaped my entire journey in releasing that album, and in writing the third.
I’d suddenly experienced this great loss, a loss bigger than any break-up or bad friendship.
It was the first time I’d ever really lost anyone, and now that I’ve lost more people than I can count, it’s not a feeling that gets any easier.
But Blue Sunflowers has been the song I turn to every single time.
There are still days when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but I have to drag myself.
I have to continue. I’m living my dream, one I’ve had for so many years, and that my dad always wanted for me.
I can’t give up because I’m sad.
Between me and Eric, we had shed more tears than had ever been shed on Eric Lancaster’s sofa after I’d explained the inspiration behind the song back in 2014.
The audience sobbed when I told the story of how my dad was young, healthy, going on a twelve-mile run one day and collapsing in the kitchen after walking down the stairs the next.
There had been a few seconds of silence where no one knew what to say.
I could see the cogs in Eric’s brain turning, trying to think of a way to turn this conversation around, to bring that joy to millions of households in the final moments of the show before the ad break and not leave everyone depressed and crying.
I’d sniffed, dried my eyes and cracked a smile. ‘Has anyone ever told you why the chicken crossed the road?’
The whole studio – from Eric and me to the audience and Mimi on the sidelines – had erupted in laughter. The video was everywhere for weeks. And I got my first number one album and single just days later.
Today’s conversation lasts another five or so minutes in my head but might be longer or shorter because I have absolutely no concept of time in high-stress situations.
And then I’m stood up on the side stage, guitar in hand, performing Kind Regards.
I don’t push my voice, I change notes to sit comfortably in the middle of my range, and I somehow make it through the performance with only one crack. I hope no one noticed.
No tears tonight but my heart is rattling around my chest at a thousand miles a minute, filling me with nausea. I pace around my dressing room while Mimi, Jess and Mauve go downstairs to the cars.
I gather up my things into my bag before sliding down and sitting on the floor against the sofa with my legs stretched out in front of me. I stare into the empty space for a few seconds, savouring these few moments alone.
A light tapping on the door.
‘It’s time to go, Sienna. Kareem says the car is ready,’ Dennis tells me. ‘Have you seen your phone?’
I shake my head.
‘Benji has put out a statement saying he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation, but he and Caro haven’t been together for a while, and that they’re getting a divorce.
Told everyone the way you’ve been treated the last twenty-four hours has been abhorrent and disgusting.
Makes for a nice read, you should read it. ’
‘So, he should,’ I reply, getting up and pulling the bag onto my shoulder.
Dennis takes the bag from me. ‘Took him long enough,’ he grumbles.
I unlock my phone and post a picture from tonight’s Eric Lancaster’s Laughs.
The negative comments trickle in, accusing me of hiding what I’m really like, of acting sweet on national tele when I’m clearly a ‘selfish bitch’.
There are a few positive comments though, a few people saying they knew I would never ‘do something like that’.
The tide is levelling.
For now.