Chapter 3 #2
‘What are you going to say to them?’ I ask, hating the rasp in my voice.
‘I am going to reprimand them for not coming to me for comment.’ She taps aggressively on her keyboard. ‘For how inaccurate their article is. I’ll demand they take it down and issue an apology.’
‘There was a time not that long ago when being connected with a movie star would have bolstered my career,’ I whisper.
I went on a few dates with Soren MacGowen – an BAFTA-winning actor who was in a series of popular fanfics-turned-romcoms – when I was twenty-seven and everyone was cheering us on.
‘Shipping’ us, they called it. It didn’t work when I was constantly in the studio and then had to go back on tour while he moved back to the States for his next movie.
‘And now they want to hang you at the stake for it, I know.’ Jess puts her laptop on the sofa next to us but doesn’t shut it. ‘I know it’s not fair but it’s how the world works.’
When I first decided to hire her, everyone thought it was a terrible idea.
They thought it would destroy our friendship forever, that we would lose that side of ourselves while fighting tabloids and magazines against what they’re trying to write about me.
But we never have. Hiring Jess is truly one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Before I hired her, she was working in a public relations agency, working with frankly awful low-level celebrities.
Her boss had a nasty streak, dictating when Jess could and couldn’t take annual leave, making her sign on late at night to look after one of his clients.
Not even one of hers, which she would have done in a heartbeat.
He was working her into the ground. Every time I saw her, she looked sullener and more exhausted, always rushing off to open her laptop or to answer a call.
There was no letting up. She was gradually climbing the ranks, taking on more higher-ranking names.
But it wasn’t worth it. There was too much, and she couldn’t keep up.
Her breaking point came when the job destroyed her ten-year relationship with her high-school sweetheart, Henry.
They were engaged, had bought a house together.
But he didn’t think she prioritised him enough, didn’t like that he never saw her.
She quit her job and begged for him to give her another chance, a clean slate with a new job.
But there was no job for her to go to, and he wouldn’t take her back.
She was utterly forlorn, had nowhere to live, only her savings to get her through.
I was just about to release my fifth album, and then there would be everything that came after that.
When I brought up hiring an in-house publicist to Mimi, she was thrilled.
One less thing for her to do. She was less thrilled when I offered the job to Jess. She came around quickly though.
Jess fires off another email from her laptop while I twiddle my thumbs, trying to make myself as small as possible.
I am a destructive fire that everyone rushes to put out to save me from myself.
I wish they’d stop trying. They’re throwing water and I’m electric.
I’m standing behind Jess when she opens the door to Mimi. She storms in, dropping her bag on the floor and fanning her face with her hands. I cringe when she throws her light jacket on the end of the banister.
‘That weather is deceptively warm,’ she breathes out.
‘Hi Mimi,’ I say. She takes off her shoes and lines them up neatly next to Jess’s.
‘Hi, Sie.’
My nickname sends a shiver over my body – this can’t be too negative.
‘Have you got any coffee?’ Mimi asks, taking her laptop, notebook and a pen out of her bag. She walks towards the kitchen.
‘I’ll put a cafetière on,’ Jess offers, following her.
I walk behind both of them as if this isn’t my house, while Jess sorts a pot and Mimi takes one of the four seats at the island.
‘Is this about the tour?’ I ask, a weak attempt at humour to detract from what she’s actually here for. But Mimi and Jess did start mentioning the tour again last week in a planning capacity.
‘Later,’ Mimi grumbles.
I look at Jess, but she avoids my eye contact, squeezing the coffee down into the bottom of the French press.
Only after she pours the coffee does she look at me, giving me a wry smile.
These are the moments when I regret hiring her as my publicist. When she can’t tell me what’s going on, when that relationship blurs into professional.
Mimi clicks her pen. ‘Now, Sienna.’
My full name. Yikes.
‘You’ve been in the tabloids again,’ Mimi continues.
‘That’s not really a surprise. The new album is out.’
‘No.’ Mimi shakes her head. ‘It’s not a surprise. Considering we’ve been here before.’
My mouth drops open, heat rolling over my body. ‘Meaning?’
Mimi sighs. ‘I think it’s time to stop with the games, Sienna.’
I open and close my mouth, gulping like a fish. ‘I haven’t done anything wrong.’
Mimi eyes me narrowly, waiting for me to continue.
‘Nothing happened with Xavier. He came over. I told him to leave. The end.’
‘You’re a thirty-year-old woman running around with boys,’ Mimi says.
‘Boys?’ I almost laugh but think better of it. ‘Jonny is retiring this year… I don’t think he’s a boy.’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘To be fair, the way he acts… boy,’ Jess interjects, taking a sip of her coffee.
I think about it for a moment and shrug. ‘Fine, I take your point.’
Mimi clicks her pen with one hand, drumming the fingers of the other against the breakfast bar.
We’re all waiting for each other to say something.
I need to clear my throat, yet again, but I don’t want them to think I’m about to say something.
That I’m about to come up with some explanation.
We look between each other and, when I can’t take it anymore, I glance at my hands, picking at the hangnails which haven’t yet become hangnails.
‘I know that Jess had the second story with Xavier taken down… But you know whoever saw it will still believe it.’ She sighs heavily. ‘It’s probably already screenshotted in a video somewhere on TikTok.’
‘Jesus, when did I become the poster girl for slut-shaming?’ Heat rises, blood pooling in my cheeks.
‘I know you’re acting out,’ Mimi says slowly. ‘I know everything feels out of control so you want to be reckless, but your career can’t afford it anymore. Not when you’re thirty.’
‘Why is everyone acting like I’m three birthdays away from a care home?’ I don’t mean to shout. ‘I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m still being ridiculed for it.’
They blink back at me.
‘Message heard. I’ll stop,’ I continue.
‘It seems like a witch hunt,’ Jess says slowly. ‘Like no matter what you do they’ll pick it apart until they can find a way to call you… a slut, basically, I guess. Without actually saying the words, obviously.’ Her eyes are glazed over, water coated.
Mimi clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth. ‘Look, Sienna, I’m not having a go at you.’
Could’ve fooled me.
‘I would love for you, and you know I would, to live your life how you want,’ Mimi continues.
I narrow my eyes at her. I know she wants the best for me. I know she is a formidable woman who’s great at her job. But she has to know this is bullshit, right?
Mimi shakes her head. ‘But the fans and the media and the world more generally don’t like women who don’t fit their idea of what and who a woman should be.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ It’s supposed to be a question, but it comes out as a spit.
I know exactly what this means. It’s a throwback to the SIENNA’S ONE-NIGHT SURPRISE headline a few years ago.
The pictures of me on the beach, taken with a long lens from a side angle.
The slight bloating from my period causing the whole world to believe that, because I wasn’t in a stable relationship that everyone knew about, I must be pregnant with a random man’s baby.
Because no woman ever bloats, right? It’s always put me off trying to meet someone while I’m still in the public eye. That kind of scrutiny on my body.
Jess tilts her head, looking into her lap as her eyes widen.
I know that face. I know that she is desperately trying not to laugh.
Her awkward laughter trained to be buried right down at the bottom of her personality when she has to be professional.
When our year four teacher brought her up to the front of the class to shout at her for doodling in her exercise book, for drawing hair on a smiley face awarded for her good work, Jess laughed – most children would cry.
Mimi’s voice brings me out of my happy place: my cave of memories.
‘It just means that society is less lenient to you now than when you were twenty-five.’ Mimi pulls her curls back off her face and ties them at the top of her head with an elastic.
One of the front pieces falls out, dangling in front of her face.
‘You might have been able to get away with being a number one artist while dating or sleeping with different men then, but you’re older now. ’ Mimi slaps her hands to her mouth.
‘Ouch,’ I gasp, so shocked I laugh but it doesn’t stop the tears springing to my eyes.
‘No, Sienna. This isn’t what I think.’ It’s Mimi’s turn to protest. ‘I’m telling you what society is going to think of you now.’
‘Society has thought this of me for my entire career. Have you ever seen my comment sections?’
‘I have,’ Jess says. ‘Brutal.’
‘Right? MAGA men really love me.’
Jess snorts down a laugh.
‘Of course I have,’ Mimi says. ‘But you’re older now. More people are going to stop tolerating you.’ She swallows loudly. ‘And we’ve seen it already with how the Benji thing isn’t going away as quickly as previous situations might have.’
She puts a hand on mine, and I fight my instincts to pull it away.