Chapter 18
TIME OUT
I run through the hospital’s reception. ‘Rory Martin,’ I cry, tapping my fingers on the top of the desk while I wait those excruciating seconds for the receptionist to search my brother’s name on his computer.
The image of my brother lying in the middle of the road, hurt, confused. The fact someone could knock him from his bike and then drive off.
The receptionist is speaking again, and I can hear the words but I’m not making sense of them. I stare back at him blankly, my feet firmly rooted to the floor. There’s a small tug on my elbow and then I’m following Mimi down endless corridors.
Rory, usually so full of charm, looks so helpless, lifeless in his hospital bed. He’s awake, and the frown on his face looks like it will never leave. I rush to his bedside, the opposite side to Mauve. Jess, Mimi and Luc hover by the door, giving us some space.
‘Oh, Sienna, I’m so glad you could make it.’ Mauve reaches over Rory’s body to pat the top of my hand gently. ‘Don’t hold his hand on that side. Broken elbow.’
‘I can speak for myself, mother,’ Rory grumbles.
Jess told me gently about the crash after the press had emailed her asking for a comment. I should be surprised that Mauve didn’t call me to let me know, but I’m not. It’s hardly shocking.
‘What happened?’ I ask Rory, trying not to touch him so I don’t hurt him.
‘Don’t ask him that, Sienna,’ Mauve admonishes. ‘Let the poor boy rest.’
Rory’s brows somehow furrow deeper. ‘Was on a roundabout and a car decided too late they were going to exit,’ he croaks, wincing.
I shake my head slowly. ‘How long are they keeping him in here?’ I ask Mauve.
‘At least overnight because he has a concussion, and then when that’s better, they’re probably going to have to operate on the elbow,’ Mauve explains.
‘Can I get anyone a cup of coffee?’ Luc asks from the doorway.
‘Please, Luc,’ Mauve replies sweetly. ‘Sienna will have an orange juice.’
‘I’ll have a coffee too, please, Luc,’ I correct.
‘That can’t be good for your… vocal problem,’ Mauve says.
I let her words wash over me. There is no point in reacting. Tune Mauve out like you’re used to, Sienna. Don’t let this be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Not here. Not now.
But I am reaching closer and closer to my snapping point.
Luc disappears with Jess, and Mimi enters the room, taking a seat on the final chair.
‘Have the police been in?’ she asks gently.
Mauve frowns. ‘It was just a car accident.’
‘They’ll need to take a statement if this is a hit-and-run,’ Mimi explains.
‘No,’ Rory whispers. ‘Not yet.’
A silence settles over the room and the storm clouds in my mind thicken.
‘I don’t know how much use I’ll be,’ Rory says. ‘I don’t remember much. Just that one minute I was on my bike, nearly at Sienna’s house, and then I saw a car doing something weird – I presume to make a quick exit – and they must not have seen me because the next minute I’m on the floor.’
My head snaps to Mauve. ‘This happened near my house, and you didn’t call me?’ I shout-whisper through gritted teeth. ‘Are you fucking serious?’
‘Sienna,’ Mauve shakes her head and holds up her finger to shut me up. Like I’m a child. ‘Not now.’ She pauses. ‘I thought you’d be too busy to come.’
‘That wasn’t your decision to make. And I’d never be too busy to come.’
‘Do you know what kind of car it was?’ Mimi cuts in.
‘Mimi, what is this? The Spanish Inquisition?’ Mauve questions.
I sit quietly, letting it all happen around me, focusing on Rory’s face. The scrape on his cheek, the bruise underneath that, the cut on his chin with five butterfly stitches.
‘I’m only trying to help,’ Mimi replies.
Mauve storms out of the room, and I roll my eyes before following her.
‘Your son is in there lying in a hospital bed trying to rest and you are making this all about you,’ I snap.
‘I’m making it all about me?’ Mauve says with a sharp intake of breath, holding a hand to her chest. ‘You’re the one who brought her manager here to try and micromanage my son’s hospital treatment.
’ She lifts her finger and points at me.
‘You’re the one making this all about you and the fact I didn’t call you. ’
I stare blankly at her.
She jabs her pointed finger into my chest. ‘I didn’t call you because you never have time for Rory or this family unless it suits you.’
‘That’s not true,’ I whisper, but it’s too late. She’s walking away down the corridor, ignoring Jess and Luc who have returned with the coffees.
‘What happened there?’
‘She’s a bitch,’ I roll my eyes. ‘I give up with her.’
‘Sienna…’ Jess says. ‘Did you snap?’
‘You know this happened near my house and she still didn’t call me? She left me to find out through a newspaper.’
‘Well, you didn’t. You found out through me.’ Jess’s voice is quiet. ‘She’s lost a lot of people, Sienna, and I think she was probably just scared.’
‘You’re defending her?’
‘Absolutely not. You know I think you snapping at Mauve has been a very long time coming. But… I don’t think now is the time, Sienna. You’re both very stressed, and Rory needs you.’
I slump my shoulders. ‘No, you’re right.’
Jess enters Rory’s hospital room while Luc and I sit in the corridor.
He takes my hand, and I let him comfort me for a few seconds before pulling away.
I’m overstimulated. Every spot my clothes touch me scratches against my bare skin, every strand of hair tickles where it meets my back, the label in my underwear rubs against me.
‘Sorry,’ I mumble, pulling my hair up into a ponytail. My hairband snaps into a string on the final loop and my hair falls heavily down my back.
‘No,’ I cry. Actual tears. Sobs wracking through my chest. I hold up the string to my face and examine it.
Fucking traitor.
It had one job.
Luc takes it out of my hands, so gently our hands hardly make contact.
He ties two knots right at the end of the string to rejoin it in a loop.
He stands up and rakes his hands through my hair, pulling it up into a ponytail and wrapping the elastic around my hair twice.
My hair finally off my neck, I can breathe again.
Not completely securely, but it’s a start.
Jess appears again. ‘I’m going to pop to Rory’s and pack him a bag of things he might want and need,’ she says. ‘I’ll be back shortly, but Mimi is still here if you need her.’
How did the day end up like this?
What if it wasn’t a car turning abruptly? What if it was the paps spotting Rory and deciding to follow him which got him hurt?
Who am I kidding? I can’t invite Luc into this chaos. I can’t put him in danger like this.
I return to Rory’s room. ‘How are you feeling?’ I ask.
‘Sore,’ he replies.
He deserves privacy after an accident like this, not to be written about in the papers simply because of his connection to me.
If, god forbid, Jess’s sister had a car accident, no one would write about that in the papers.
If Jess’s grandad died, she would have the space and the privacy to grieve.
When it happens to me, it’s a national news story.
‘Do you want some water?’ I ask Rory.
He nods, and I hold the cup of water to his mouth, letting him sip gently through the straw.
‘You know, you didn’t have to come, Sienna. I know you don’t like hospitals. And today is a big day for you.’
‘Of course I’m going to come, Rory. And no one likes hospitals.’
‘Mauve is telling me I have to move back in,’ Rory grumbles. ‘So she can look after me while I recover.’
I open my mouth to invite him to live with me but know that I can’t because I won’t be around for long enough.
‘If you don’t want that, Rory, I can get a nurse in.’
He shakes his head. ‘It will probably be better to have someone I know. You know what I’m like.’
‘I do,’ I smile.
A nurse comes in and takes Rory’s blood pressure and pulse. ‘Visiting times are over now, I’m afraid,’ she says. ‘We need to get Rory fed. You can come back again at seven.’
I check the time on my phone. Two hours away.
‘I’ll be back soon, Rory, okay?’ I say quietly.
When I leave the room, Jess is already back. Mauve is still nowhere to be seen. She’ll probably come back long after I’m gone. Sneak in after visiting times tonight to sleep next to him. At least he’ll have someone with him.
‘Shall we go to find some food?’ Mimi asks Jess.
‘I’ll have to wait here,’ I say. Not for Rory, but because no one wants to see Sienna Martin in the canteen when their sick relative is in hospital.
I don’t want to draw attention to the fact I’m here. I managed to sneak in before the paps arrived, but if word gets out that’s where I am… it could get ugly.
Luc holds up a small packet of something from his pocket. I squint and a grin breaks out on my face for the first time in hours. I lunge for them. ‘Where did you get these?’
‘They happened to have them in the… gift shop. Is that what you’d call it? It sounds like a museum.’
I pull the make-shift hair tie from my ponytail and use one of the new ones from Luc to retie a tighter ponytail at the top of my head. ‘You are the best,’ I smile.
And I mean it.
That’s why I can’t be with him.
‘Luc,’ I say quietly. ‘This isn’t an unusual thing in my life.’
‘What do you mean?’
I fiddle with the skin around my cuticles. ‘I mean that I lose a lot of people, and I spend a weird amount of time in hospitals for someone who doesn’t like them.’
‘No one likes hospitals.’
I swallow. ‘This is part of the reason I don’t… let people close to me.’
‘Because you don’t like hospitals?’
‘Because I’ve lost so many people. Because I don’t think I can survive giving anyone else that power over to me.’
I look away from him and pull a hand sanitiser out of my pocket, rubbing the liquid into my hands to try to wash away the day. The worry that has eaten away at my body for years spills out in front of me.
‘You have lost a lot of people, granted. Yes, it is completely tragic that you lost your dad so young. But you’re at an age now where sadly most people lose their grandparents if they haven’t already,’ he says quietly.
‘Rory is going to be okay. His accident is in no way your fault. People drive like idiots. It’s a fact of London.
’ He looks at me carefully, his eyes painting watercolour across my cheeks.
‘Have you ever spoken to your therapist about this?’
Actually, I’ve never opened that door with my therapist. It’s the first time I’ve said something like this out loud.
‘I can tell by the look on your face that you haven’t,’ Luc says. ‘Listen, you should. Make an appointment with her soon.’
He tucks a strand of hair which has fallen from my ponytail behind my ear.
‘I’m scared, Luc.’
‘I know you are, Sienna,’ he whispers. ‘But the way I look at it, you have two options in life… one, you keep running from the fear for the rest of your life. You never stop, never look back. You end up exhausted and the fear only gets worse… Or you turn around and walk straight into the fear. And then you see it’s not so bad when you get to the other side. ’
And then he kisses my temple, right in the hospital corridor. He leans his head against mine, his hair tickling my cheek. I face the fear, opening the hatches to let in a new life and, for the first time in a long time, I don’t run.
Does anyone else think Freefalling on YEDFMW deluxe has to be about Luc?
It must be, who else would it be about? She’s not stupid enough to write a song like that about Benji Robert surely
Do you think it was an instance of Freefalling with her and Luc though? Hasn’t she known him for ten years?
I think falling in love with someone you’ve known for that long is scarier tbh
I don’t. You already know all their red flags as well as the green and beige, they’re not exactly going to surprise you after ten years