Chapter 21
KIND REGARDS
I would say that ‘Kind Regards’ is one of my most heartbreaking songs even if it doesn’t initially sound like it.
When you actually listen to the lyrics, it’s so much sadder than it sounds.
I wrote it about Luc. He’s been my inspiration for a lot of songs over the years, and ‘Kind Regards’ is about the second time we stopped speaking.
When we were only sort-of-friends who spoke every so often.
He’d met Rose and they were going from strength to strength.
She was perfect for him, and I didn’t want to get in the way.
I was so used to having Luc in his entirety, I didn’t want the crumbs.
It's not only ‘Music Artist of the Year’ I pick up. I sweep a whole list of awards and somehow become the most awarded artist in PAA history. I end up going home with five of the nine awards I was nominated for. Which I never would have believed a few months ago after Benji-gate.
Luc helps me carry them while we load ourselves back in Kareem’s car. We’re both wired from the excitement of the evening, entering that part of jet lag where I’m almost past being tired. But I’ll sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
Luc’s hand stays in mine for the whole car journey, tracing comfort and desires.
Dennis takes us up in the lift, all of us in silence. He drops us off outside our hotel room and waits until we’re inside with the door locked and bolted before going into the next room.
In the silence of our solitude, Luc steps towards me, leaning forward, a flush creeping into his cheeks. He wraps his arms around me, pressing his face into my hair. ‘You’re such a superstar.’ His words drip over me like warm honey, the free wine and jet lag making everything soft at the edges.
Neither of us had much of the booze on offer, on the account that neither of us wanted to see photos of ourselves looking worse for wear online tomorrow, and because we can’t blow our cover.
And because I know we have an even longer flight at dawn, even further than London, for Luc’s birthday surprise. I don’t want to be hungover in a tin can.
Luc pulls back, just enough to create a distance between us. His breath licks at my face, tickling my chin, but I don’t move. If anything, I get closer.
I smell red wine and the garlic canapés on his breath.
Or maybe that’s my own. He exhales softly, gently, as though trying to disguise the fact he’s doing so and then closes the gap between us.
His lips meet mine and he pulls me in closer until his body is flush against me, a pressure meeting in a heat at my hips.
‘Is this okay?’ he whispers, his hands pressing against my back.
My mouth is dry when I nod and start unzipping my dress, the heavy fabric making my body ache.
Luc helps me, his fingers leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake, until the dress lands in a heap on the floor.
Whoever said beauty is pain really wasn’t kidding.
I untie the skirt around my waist, and it floats to the floor.
I stand in my bodysuit and Luc looks me up and down, rubbing the stubble on his chin.
My heart is thumping, my legs quivering underneath me.
Luc clears his throat. I step towards him, evicting the pocket of air between us.
He rests his forehead on mine, our breathing heavy, laboured.
The heat in my belly unspools between my legs.
Once we do this, there’s no going back.
Our agreement becomes something else entirely.
I’m ready to let my heart win this time. Luc’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
‘Because we’re us?’ he offers, fingers lacing through mine.
My heart thumps, but I nod despite the fluttering feeling. When Luc had first said this to me, I didn’t know what he meant. I do now.
‘You’re not just anyone to me.’
The end date is still in my mind, but I push it back, making room for the present moment. I can’t always worry about the future, about whether something will work. Sometimes I need to live for myself, for what I want.
His breath hitches in his throat, hesitating before his hands graze the stretchy fabric covering my hips. I drape my arms over his shoulders, and he takes it as the invitation I meant it and pulls me in closer by my hips. Our bodies press together, inch by inch, skin on skin.
‘Is this okay?’ he asks again.
‘Yeah,’ I gasp. I can feel him through his trousers against my almost-bare body. My dress in a puddle on the floor around me in the living room, my eyes find the bedroom door and then land on Luc. He follows where my gaze travelled.
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah.’
He takes my hand, helping me step over the pile of fabric on the floor. I lead and he doesn’t drop my hand the whole time, not until we are standing in the hotel bedroom at the foot of the bed.
I unbuckle my heels and slip them off, feeling the thick, plush carpet between my toes. Luc follows my lead, removing his shoes and blazer, trousers and shirt.
There’s no going back.
I lie down on the bed and Luc follows, running his hands up and down my bodysuit. Why do I feel so shy? So exposed?
A soft kiss, a gentle parting of my lips for his tongue. He deepens the contact and draws me on top of him, the hard length of him against my lower stomach.
Things like this with Luc aren’t new to me, but somehow, they feel different this time. More concrete, more fact than fantasy.
That this could be my life rather than a fleeting moment.
I peel the bodysuit off and curse myself for not wearing something easier to remove, something sexier. Luc takes off his boxers, and my eyes drag down his body, following the black material down his legs.
His index finger on my chin manoeuvres my head. ‘Eyes on mine, Martin,’ he whispers, his dark brown eyes dancing against the low light.
I shudder. ‘That makes me sound like a middle-aged man.’
Luc winces. ‘I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth.’
We lie next to each other, and I try to let the feeling in. The feeling of contentment, of settlement, of comfort. A feeling I’ve been trying and failing to bat off for more than a decade, knowing the feeling which usually follows: the need to run, to escape.
I lace my fingers through his and he lets me, following my lead every step of the way. I take a deep breath and place my hand on his cheek. I pause for a few moments and let the desires take me.
It’s because we’re us, not because we’re anyone, I repeat in my head, a mantra.
I can trust Luc.
‘The rules,’ he grumbles, his face millimetres away from mine. ‘Are you okay with–?’
‘Fuck the rules,’ I groan, his hand landing on my thigh. The kiss is desperate, greedy, and his hand travels upwards, drawing circles promising his wants and needs. It’s been so long since I’ve felt wanted in this way. Not only wanted but cherished.
‘Luc…’ I breathe, his kiss lingering on my lips.
All at once, I’m twenty years old again.
We’re in my old house, on an uncomfortable bed which I bought because I thought expensive meant good.
I’m jaded in love, but less so than I am now.
I still thought it was on the cards for me then, in a way that dissipated when my relationship with Luc ended.
If I was going to fall in love with anyone, it was always going to be Luc.
I run my hands over his body, his skin smooth under my fingertips.
I trace every inch of him that I haven’t seen like this in a decade.
The way the edges of his body have softened with age, the chest hair which has grown thicker and the long hair on his shoulder blade which refuses not to grow, no matter how many times he plucks it.
He drops kisses over my body, and it’s like he doesn’t want to miss a centimetre.
He’s slow with it, savouring every touch, and my body warms like I’m on a bed of hot coals.
‘Do you–’ I stop, my breath catching in my throat when he grazes his teeth on the skin at the bottom of my neck. ‘Have a…’ I manage to get out.
‘My bag,’ Luc rasps.
‘Can you?’
‘Yeah.’ His breath against my neck. When his body leaves mine, the cool air from the room caresses my entire body, drying the clamminess and leaving a sticky sheen. I fold my arms across my torso, hearing Luc double check the bolt on the door and rooting through his bag.
He hands me the foil packet, and I open it, rolling it down him.
I pull him towards me, needing his body to invade my space, to cover me from the cold.
To block out all the thoughts of what is going to happen tomorrow.
Of what’s going to happen at the beginning of the tour. The rapidly approaching end date.
I push the thoughts away and instead let Luc’s pink cheeks, his shy smile fill every ounce of thoughts. His eyes locked on mine when he enters me, watching me groan under his weight. He guides himself inside slowly and I whimper with every centimetre he gets deeper.
‘Oh fuck,’ he says, holding one of my hands. I run my fingers up and down his back.
‘Yeah.’
‘I don’t remember it feeling like this,’ he exhales against my neck. He moves slowly, grinding against me with languid movements I never want to stop.
‘Me either.’ The pleasure rolls over me and my body is weightless, free to float up from the bed. I kiss him, his tongue brushing against mine. I need more. I speed my movements against him.
‘Sie, Sie,’ Luc whispers, his body coming to a stop. ‘I need a second. I won’t be able to hold off.’
‘Let me see you unravel,’ I request, running my hand through his curls.
He grunts, thrusting faster, harder, in exactly the way I need him to. The pleasure rolls over my body, more and more overwhelming until it explodes into shades of purple behind my eyelids.
He relaxes on top of me, running his hand through his hair and hiding the smile spreading across his face with the back of his hand, the smile which is present in his eyes.
By the time I’ve been to the toilet, brushed my teeth and taken my make-up off, Luc has removed the condom and put it back in its foil wrapper, enveloping it in a tissue from the vanity.
Normally at this point, I would lay as far as I could to the edge of the bed and wait for the person to leave.
If I was at theirs, I would probably leave before they woke up.
But, right now, looking at Luc lying in that hotel bed, still no clothes on, a light sheet draped over his body and one arm lying straight across the bed towards my pillow, makes me want to jump into that space.
To take up space in his arms, not on the precipices.
Against everything I thought I knew about myself.
I climb back into bed beside him, and he curls himself around me like a snap band. He drapes the sheet over me too, and I fall asleep with the sound of his breathing in my ear.
Sienna Martin best dressed at the PAAs, I’m calling it
If Sienna and Luc ever break up… I’ll stop believing in love I’m telling you
Does anyone not think it’s weird that we never see her alone anymore?
I think it’s weirder she went to NYC when her brother just had an operation, must be a pretty scary time for the family
I can’t wait for her LOVE album, girlie is going to scream about how much she loves him