Chapter 23 #3
‘There’s no point thinking about it like that,’ I sigh. ‘Because my life is how my life is, and there’s not exactly a way I can, like, change it.’
‘Answer the question. Would you, or would you not, want to be with Luc?’
‘Yes.’ The answer erupts out of me, and I don’t remember my brain giving my mouth permission to speak.
‘Then, Sienna, you need to follow that.’
Is she chewing?
‘It feels like you’re punishing yourself, and you don’t need to.
Luc is a grown man – he can make his own decisions.
’ Jess takes another gulp of her tea. ‘I think you need to stop thinking so much into the future and start living for yourself now.’ I’m not sure how I feel about tough love Jess. She doesn’t come out very often.
‘I can’t live for myself now.’
‘Yes, you can – you need to.’
The PR relationship ending in real feelings is such a cliché, but Luc and I never really stood a real chance, did we… not with all our history. Everyone knew that when they suggested he was the man for the job.
Not suggested, told me he was the man for the job.
There’s a soft knocking on the door. ‘Sienna.’ Luc’s voice filters through the cracks and lands all around me like confetti.
‘I’m going to let you go,’ Jess says. ‘Please think about what I’ve said, Sienna. I just want you to be happy.’
‘Bye, love you.’ My voice is broken, a whisper of what it once was. And I hate that Jess is making sense.
It was never going to be Luc that leaked that story.
I don’t want to have to do it. I don’t want to have to change the way I live on the off-change I’ll be happier, because what if it makes things worse? What makes people listen to their heart and not their head?
I hang up and open my bedroom door, Luc waiting patiently without barging his way in. ‘Hey,’ I whisper and dry my eyes. I hadn’t realised they’d been leaking. ‘I’m really sorry.’
He frowns and looks away.
‘I should never have presumed it was you,’ I say. ‘I do trust you, Luc. And you were right. I was looking for an out. Because I have all these feelings, and these feelings are really scary.’
He opens his arms, gesturing for me to place myself inside that comfort, safety that I can’t find anywhere else. That I’ve never been able to find anywhere else. Not outside of Grampy’s house.
He kisses my head. It’s a gentle kiss but gives the comfort of a weighted blanket. He’s always so understanding. Is he holding anything back? Will those feelings bubble up into anger or resentment over the years if I let him in?
‘It was Mauve…’ I whisper. ‘She sold the story.’
He freezes, arms stiff around my body.
‘And I’m not surprised,’ I breathe. ‘But how could she do this to me? How could she release this story and not think about how it will affect me? Do I mean that little to her? Is she that desperate for money?’ There are thousands of questions in my head that I know Luc can’t answer. But Luc is the only one here.
‘What are you going to do?’ Luc asks. ‘About Mauve.’
I shake my head. ‘I don’t know. Usually I just cut people off when I find out they’ve done stuff like this b–but, she’s my mum.’ I listen to the soft sounds of him breathing. ‘I think I’ll talk to Mimi about what we should do when I get back.’
‘You know it would never be me, right?’ Luc asks. ‘You know I would never do something like that to you?’
I shake my head. ‘I have a really hard time trusting people,’ I whisper.
‘Actually maybe I have a hard time trusting myself in trusting people. I’ve had so many friends and people I thought I could trust over the years do something like this to me that it makes me think I pick the wrong people to trust. I’m really sorry I jumped to conclusions, Luc. ’
‘It’s okay, Sie. I get it. I do.’ He pauses. ‘I can’t imagine how hard it is. Especially finding out it was your mum.’
Another tear slips over my waterline. I don’t know what else I can do with Mauve. Maybe she needs the same treatment that everyone else had.
‘About what you said…’ I start. ‘About our arrangement.’
‘We can talk about it tomorrow,’ Luc reassures, kissing my head.
‘It’s okay,’ I croak, clearing my throat. ‘I…’ I trial off, the fizzy feeling in my tummy trying to stop my brain from allowing my mouth to frame the words. ‘I agree with you.’ It comes out in a splutter, all the words blurring into one while I try not to cut myself off.
‘You… what?’
‘I agree with you.’ There’s more conviction this time, saying the words aloud giving me the confidence that this is what I want. Not just what I feel like I should want.
‘I’ll rephrase. On what?’ Luc presses.
I sigh. He’s not letting me get out of this easily. ‘I don’t want this to end either.’ The words clear every cloud from my head. It feels so good to finally admit it to myself. That maybe I do want to change the way I live.
Luc laughs. ‘I know you don’t.’ He squeezes me into his chest. ‘I don’t know why you fight yourself so much.’
We stay like that, swaying in the shadows, for all the moments we can.
Has anyone seen Sienna’s mum’s posts on X?
Yeah, man, they’re wild
Why is she doubling down that she wasn’t the one to leak that story about Sienna’s voice?
Yeah, I mean no one accused her of it and everyone kinda knew that’s what was happening with Sienna after the Song Salon etc
Sienna’s PR team must be going mad