Chapter 24 #2
‘Luc Nicholls became someone very important to me.’ A crack in my voice, and I clear my throat away from the microphone, buying myself some time to swallow down my emotions.
‘No matter how many times, how hard I tried to run, something else kept bringing us back together.’ I don’t take my eyes off him. ‘Invisible string theory.’
Did Luc just wipe his eye?
‘I wrote Yours, Sie when we hadn’t spoken for many years.
And it’s not the only one of my songs written about Luc.
’ I pause and let a smile tug at my lips.
‘If you dig deep enough, you’ll find a few – at least – on every album, since Infinite Ghost.’ I finally look away, begging the tears not to come.
‘Many of you will now know that Luc has once again blown back into my life, but I’m not blowing out of his again.
’ My eyes are locked on his. ‘That is a promise.’
The crowd erupts into applause.
The backing track of Yours, Sie starts playing and the video starts on the projected screen behind me. A bit like a school assembly. I open my mouth and start singing.
The loneliness is subsiding.
When the song ends, I leave the stage straight away. There’s nothing I can do to stop the tears from rolling down my face. Fuck. I didn’t think it was going to get me that much. The speech. The song. It’s enough to completely finish me off.
I’ve blown into Luc Nicholls’s orbit, and I don’t ever want to climb out.
I head straight towards him, ignoring hands, requests for interviews, friends and family. I fall straight into his arms. And he kisses me. Everyone is watching us.
I don’t want to pull away, but when I do, his eyes are fixated on mine, his pupils dilated into black discs. He rests his hand on my cheek, and then I’m pulled away from him. A work event that demands my full attention.
He doesn’t go far all night, letting me give him whatever attention I have free to give. Making sure he’s always there if I turn around and need him.
And he doesn’t let go of my hand for the whole car journey home. Kareem and Dennis are in the front of the car and they’re silent. They let us have our moment. Our quiet after an overwhelming evening.
Luc has crowbarred his way in, and the walls are crumbling. The sadness is escaping, rays of light creeping in. And I don’t want to let him go.
On the way home, Kareem stops his car outside the Queen Patty restaurant at Leicester Square – another of Luc’s surprises. He disappears inside for all of about five minutes and returns with four huge bags. It smells insane. I could almost start dribbling.
I open the top of my bag and peek inside. I can see full-sized portions.
‘You’re not eating in my car,’ Kareem protests.
‘Oh, of course,’ Luc says. ‘We’ll eat when we get home.’
‘Good man.’
‘Well, my mouth is watering, so can we hurry up and go,’ I insist.
‘I will say that Queen Patty is the best burger you’ll find in London. Maybe in the country,’ Luc says.
A group of girls walk past and look into the car window. Dennis pulls down his cap a little further on his head, and I stifle a laugh.
‘Did you know?’ I start. ‘There are people on TikTok who thirst after Dennis? That’s why he’s started wearing a hat.’
Luc splutters, playfully hitting Dennis on the shoulder over the seats. ‘Go on, man.’
Dennis shrugs. ‘Made my wife fall in love with me all over again, knowing that the young ones want me.’
‘It will never not be weird. Like someone being obsessed with your brother.’ I pause for a few seconds. ‘Which, to be fair, I have experienced too.’
‘I bet Rory is a catch.’
Kareem reaches into the bag beside him and pulls out a chip, smirking at us both in the back when he puts it on his tongue. I take that as my invitation.
Luc turns to me. ‘I got you a cheese and bacon burger with small fries. The burger is well done. You seem like the sort of person who prefers well done but is always too scared to ask.’
Dennis’s laugh fills the air. ‘You’ve hit the nail on the head.’
‘I got you a medium, and Kareem, yours is veggie.’ He pauses. ‘I think it’s Beyond, if that’s okay.’
‘You’re a good man, Luc Nicholls,’ Kareem says.
I tear open the bag and my face breaks into a smile when I see a full-sized burger and the biggest pile of chips I’ve ever seen.
‘This is a small?’ I gasp and Luc nods. ‘I don’t need these fancy restaurants who will give me three chips and one mouthful of burger. I need this.’
‘The grease and saltiness are all I ever need,’ Luc grins.
I groan, grease running out the corner of my mouth. In the decade I’ve loved Luc, I’ve never loved him more than I have right at this moment. Maybe he is actually one of my best friends.
‘I’ve never seen her so content,’ Dennis says.
‘On our first date this side of our story…’ Luc swallows a huge mouthful. ‘She looked disappointed in how small the portions were.’ Luc reaches out and wipes the grease from the corner of my mouth. ‘And when she told me that she wanted to be able to act like a normal person, it all clicked.’
‘She was tired,’ Dennis says.
‘She was tired,’ Luc repeats.
‘I am tired,’ I protest through a mouthful of burger.
Kareem pulls over into a side street so we can all focus on our meal. I swallow against a soreness in the back of my throat, a solid lump that feels like razor blades when I swallow after singing one song.
‘What would you guys say if I told you I was thinking about taking a break from music?’ My voice echoes in the silence.
Dennis doesn’t hesitate. ‘I’d say that is well-deserved and probably well-needed.’
‘You wouldn’t be annoyed?’
Dennis shakes his head. ‘Of course not, Sienna. Why would I?’
Luc takes a huge bite of his burger. I put a chip on the end of my tongue and suck off the salt.
‘I don’t want to take a break if it means bad things for you both, for Mimi or Jess.’
‘Sienna, you taking a break from music is not going to put me out of a job. I don’t only have to be with you on music stuff.’ Dennis looks me directly in the eye, making sure I understand. ‘Taking a break from music won’t mean you’re not Sienna Martin anymore.’
‘You’re not exactly going to start taking the tube next week, are you?’ Kareem adds.
I bite into my burger and my spine relaxes, groaning in the back of my throat.
‘You’ll still need protecting initially, and if interest around you dies down and you find you don’t need me anymore, you can recommend to me to a new someone.’ Dennis bites his own burger.
A passerby takes a photo of the car, a camera flashing. We all ignore it.
‘But I’ll bet by the time interest around you dies down, I’ll be too old for this job anyway,’ Dennis says. ‘Are you– is that something you want to do, Sienna?’ he asks. ‘Take a break?’
I thought it might be a fleeting thought, but voicing it only gave it legs. Now it’s taken a seat on the sofa in my brain and it’s not going anywhere.
I nod silently. ‘I’m tired,’ I mutter. ‘Music is– I never thought I’d get tired of it, you know, of making music…
and I haven’t. But my voice is so sore, Dennis.
Even just singing tonight, you can hear the effect it’s had.
I don’t know if my voice will survive this tour, but if it does, I’ll need a long break to recover.
’ I sigh. I eat another bite and carefully chew it before speaking again.
‘And everything else is so tiring. The way my image– everything I want to do or say has to be checked first. Why can’t I just live? ’
Kareem finishes his burger and starts to drive back to Hampstead.
‘I’d say that it’s brought you some beautiful things over the years, but I can imagine how that’s tiring.’ Dennis pauses. ‘We wouldn’t have met if you hadn’t needed twenty-four-seven protection.’
‘I’m glad we met, Dennis. You’re very… wise.’ I smile, and it’s sincere.
‘Try telling my wife that.’
‘I have, multiple times.’
‘Did she shake her head, tut and walk away?’ Dennis prompts.
‘Yep.’
‘Sounds like Sylvia.’ Dennis laughs a deep belly laugh that always makes my lips curl in the corners.