Chapter 27 #2
In A Head Spin, a bonus track off Your Email Didn’t Find Me Well, merges onto the end of the song. The choreography comes through my body without me even trying to think about it, my limbs following the moves I’ve rehearsed over and over in rehearsals. Like muscle memory.
When the song ends, I stand back on the spot on the stage that I came up through and it brings me back down under the stage.
I jump on the slide, and it takes me all the way back to the start, where my crew help me get into the next look.
A floor-length, pink dress with a high slit and a feather hem.
It’s not the most comfortable to dance in, but it’s for the act with acoustic numbers, so I don’t have to move in it too much, and it makes me look amazing.
Even I can see that. My crew are adjusting my mic pack, my dancers still on stage to keep the crowd entertained with a short video on screen.
‘Sienna.’ I recognise the voice immediately. It slides down my back, a flood of goosebumps drowning my skin.
‘Luc,’ I gasp. ‘How did you get back here?’
‘Mimi.’
I open my mouth, my crew struggling to attach my mic pack and in-ears to the new costume. I close my mouth again and try to help them out, but they tell me to be still.
‘I couldn’t miss your show,’ Luc smiles, and then the doors start to open at the top of the stage and I’m back in front of the crowd. Literally ‘In a Head Spin’.
I mess up a few of the lyrics, a ‘we’ instead of ‘me’, a ‘face’ instead of ‘space’.
I hope no one notices. I make a quick enough recovery every time.
I get through the next five songs, settling back into the stage more and more as each intro beats.
The fans are wild, screaming as soon as the opening notes tell them what I’ve decided to include on the setlist, and then shouting the lyrics alongside me.
At the end of the second act, the halfway mark of the show.
I had decided to sing Seeing Double from Party Pooper acoustically.
But, after seeing Luc, the only song at the end of my tongue, at the end of my fingers ready to flow through my voice and a piano is I’m Sorry – a niche track from my fourth album Sweethearts Inside at Night.
The original album about my first relationship with Luc.
Songs written over the two months before I ran, before I started to feel myself getting too comfortable.
I’m Sorry was the last song I wrote for the album, almost an apology to both Luc and myself when I realised what I was about to do.
I wrote the song at two o’clock in the morning, when Luc was upstairs sleeping.
We’d had a really chilled day hanging out with each other, and I wasn’t nearly as big then as I am now.
Don’t get me wrong, I was successful, but I could do more things without being chased through the streets.
So, we’d been for a walk in Richmond Park, trying to find the deer so I could see nature up close.
We’d been to a cute, small Italian restaurant in the evening, and there were only a few other people in there.
I think there’s still a photo of us on the wall eating their signature pasta dish.
The photo did the rounds on the Internet after it was revealed that Luc and I were back together.
I felt so settled, so normal. A day like that was completely at odds with the rest of my life.
I didn’t see how the two could meld together.
I sit on the piano stool, adjusting the microphone so that it’s level to my mouth. I clear my throat. It’s hoarse, but I think I can make it through the rest of the show. ‘I hope you’re all enjoying the show so far, Edinburgh!’
The crowd screams in response, and my voice disappears into the mix of happy cries.
‘It’s so nice to be back on stage with you after all this time, and it’s so lovely to be able to celebrate with you what you’ve done for me over the years. What you’ve done for albums like Your Email Didn’t Find Me Well.’
More screaming, and then I vaguely start to hear my name coming through my in-ears. Soon enough, the screaming has stopped, and the entire stadium is chanting my name.
‘Oh,’ I squeak, allowing myself to take my in-ears out for a few seconds. My mouth drops when I hear how loud they are. I put my in-ears back in to protect my hearing – and my make-up from the tears which will come – and put my fingers back on the piano.
My fingers start flying over the keys and the song comes out of me like my body is expelling something. I think about Luc backstage listening to me play this song live. We’ve never spoken about that album, and how he is so obviously the inspiration for all these songs.
The crowd harmonises with me beautifully, singing the underlines while I sing the longer notes on top. It’s one of those moments where even as the moment is happening you know you’re going to be thinking about it for a long time. That it’s going to be a memory you return to.
After all my thoughts of taking a break, of retiring, it is this moment, special moments like these, which make me realise how much I’ll miss it. As much as I need a break from some of it. Maybe I can find new ways to get moments like these.
My legs feel like jelly when I finally leave the stage at the end of the show. The adrenaline, mixed with dancing in heels for the last two hours, has done a real number on my legs.
I clutch my dancers, grabbing any of them as we leave the stage – whoever is closest.
Luc is waiting for me. The whole crowd roars at the sight of him, at the visible proof in front of their eyes that the tabloids were wrong.
That there isn’t trouble in our relationship.
Adrenaline surges around my body, and I rush towards him.
The screaming gets louder. There are a thousand cameras pointed in our direction. I don’t care.
I just have to reach him.
I fall into his arms and the scent of him is intoxicating.
The cries from the crowd get even louder still when mine and Luc’s bodies make contact.
A warmth radiates through my body and a smile spreads across my face.
I can do nothing to stop it from taking over.
I clutch him tighter than I’ve ever clung to anyone before.
My heart drums against my chest. Luc grins, and it spreads slowly across his face, like each of the muscles are waking up slowly.
And I kiss him. Right there. My lips meet his and I know I should stop as soon as they connect but I can’t. And he can’t. Three, four, maybe seven seconds pass before I pull back.
‘We haven’t staged our break-up yet,’ he whispers into my hair. ‘Just giving the people what they want.’
‘I thought we weren’t doing that anymore,’ I press.
‘Well, you tell me. Because you’ve gone dark on me again, Sienna.’ There’s a hard edge to his voice.
We disappear into the tunnel and follow stadium staff back through the long corridors. I grip onto Luc the entire way.
I climb out of the long-sleeved, green, sequin mini dress, and it falls in a puddle on the floor around me. I change into my jeans and jumper. Luc looks at me, his head dropped and eyes wide.
‘I would really love the opportunity to explain why I… yeah,’ Luc trails off.
‘I think I’m ready to hear it.’
I’m vaguely aware of the fact that Mimi, Jess, Dennis are all waiting outside. I realise that this dressing room isn’t very warm now that night has fallen and no one has been in here all night. Kareem will be waiting for me in the car.
Luc’s eyes trail my face, caressing every angle on my cheekbones and jawline. His face softens. ‘If you don’t want to talk here, I can come back to your hotel room.’
He pauses and assesses my face for my reaction. I try not to give anything away, but something in my eyes must hint.
‘I’ve got my own room though, don’t worry,’ he reassures.
I nod. ‘Sure,’ I breathe. ‘Let’s go.’
THIS IS MY ROMAN EMPIRE!!!
Why is this video 45 minutes long????
Omg they’re my faves, I’m so happy for them
This is so perfect HELP ME
Did the world just stop spinning?