Chapter 32 Lily
THIRTY-TWO
LILY
I lie awake in his bed.
My eyes are dry and burn, but I don’t dare close them.
How could I when my heart feels like it just went on a marathon and it refuses to relax?
First, I asked an alcoholic if he wanted a drink.
Then I started talking about kids with my childhood best friend, who I’d had a massive crush on, and we got interrupted by some random girl who knew my name and declared war on me.
Lastly, Elijah fainted mid–panic attack.
What more would you like to throw at us in one night, world?
The bus is dead quiet. Trinity and Leonidas went into their room downstairs after reassuring me this had happened before and Elijah hated seeing that he had an audience when he woke up from sleep.
Not taking any chances, I brought my pillow in his bunk, and cuddled up beside him.
I haven’t taken my eyes off his restful, sleeping face once.
His mouth is parted slightly, hair messy with sleep, and his body is free of any tension that was gripping his muscles tightly only hours ago.
If only he could find this peace outside of la-la land.
Maybe that would mean escaping Hollywood by disappearing off the grid, but he would never do that to his siblings.
I move a bit closer to him, only for his body heat—of course. My fingers accidentally brush his. Not moving for several seconds in case he wakes up, I look down at our hands and hook my pinkie around his, squeezing.
Seeing him online did nothing to show the internal battle he’s faced for years. If he hadn’t come back to our small town, I would have never known he was hurting this badly.
Hollywood is truly deceiving.
Resting my forehead on the side of his shoulder, I close my eyes and try to ignore all the thoughts racing through my head.
I beg my mind to turn off and let me rest, but his raspy voice breaks the silence.
“This is the best moment of my life because the Lily Papas is cuddling me.”
My heart skip-starts, and a new wave of erratic beats pumps in my chest. I jump up onto my elbow so I’m leaning on my arm above him. He has a small, sleepy smile on his handsome face.
“Did you hope I wouldn’t wake up and realize you were cuddling me?”
“How long were you pretending to be asleep for?” I accuse him, scolding him with my eyes.
“Maybe one minute or ten … you will never know.”
I slap his chest when he snorts. “You scared me to death earlier and now again when I thought you were the talking dead.”
He winces, rolling onto his side. Only a sliver of space is separating our bodies from colliding. And the awakening thoughts of wanting to pull his lips onto mine finally make the saliva go down my throat harder. His eyes follow the movement.
“I’m sorry about earlier. The last thing I wanted was to scare you. I should have protected you from her, but my stupid brain had other plans and shut down.”
Not letting myself overthink this moment, I cup his chiseled cheek and play with the short hair at the nape of his neck.
“It makes me mad that you’re apologizing for something that you should never have to feel.
I have never been so scared, Elijah Drakos.
I’m sorry you’re carrying the world on your shoulders, I’m sorry your happiness got taken away, and I’m sorry I painted you a villain when you were probably a prisoner. ”
Elijah sucks in a breath. He remains silent when I brush my thumb over his cheekbone, and his eyes flutter closed. “There have been so many nights where I wondered what I would say if I ever got another moment with you. And now that I finally have a chance, my brain has gone completely blank.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I say so softly that I hardly hear myself. “We have all the time in the world for that. Right now, you should rest.”
“I already got some rest.”
“Like, an hour.” I roll my eyes, and he smiles at that. “Why are you smiling at me like that?”
“Because you think you’re so intimidating.”
He pulls my shoulder down, so we’re lying nose to nose now, and he grabs my hip.
Oh my God, what am I doing? Can he see the way my hands are shaking?
“Don’t get all shy on me now. I think you’re cute, Sweet Cheeks.”
Crying out, I hide my face behind my sweaty hands. “Why do you call me that?”
Like the tease he is, he pries each individual finger off of my face, holding my hands prisoner in his fists. “I wish you could see yourself right now. You know why?”
I hum, trying to sound casual, but I’m afraid he sees past my act. With his attention focused on me and only me, I worry he can see the way my lungs only fill half full because it’s hard to breathe when he’s near. Or how my heart is break-dancing at two-point speed.
“Your cheeks are always a pretty shade of pink.” Freeing one of my hands, he trails a fingertip down my cheek.
I hold my breath, halting any new oxygen from entering my body.
He rasps, “But they’re flushed red right now. And don’t get me started on these lips.” He groans, tracing my bottom lip with a featherlight touch. “Vibrant like a red rose, soft and plump. Begging for mine to capture them with their own language.”
“You’re wrong.” I somehow find my voice. “My lips and the rest of my body are still giving you the cold shoulder.”
The look on his face speaks volumes. He thinks he knows me like the back of his hand. Which might have been true for old me, but now I’m not so sure.
“There is no fooling me. No part of your body is cold right now.”
Deep and raspy, in this moment, I truly realize the boy I once knew is now a very confident man. A man who’s looking at every inch of me like he’s survived living on a desert without food and water and I’m his salvation.
“How do you figure?” I taunt, a tentative smile pulling at my lips.
“I’m only a man, Lily. I feel your body burning on mine. Whether you notice it or not, you haven’t stopped squirming or trembling once. And the erratic look in your eyes could melt ice.”
Dumbfounded, I take a deep breath before saying something out of pocket like, Shut up and kiss me right now.
“Do you want me to keep going?” Taking my silence as an invitation for more of whatever the heck we’re doing, he continues, “Something that drives me insane is how you steal the oxygen by just walking into the room. Flames dance all around you, alluring everyone into wanting to be the next person you catch on fire.”
His words, emotionally raw and rare, shoot mini fireworks in my heart, up my throat, and into the sky surrounding us. He’s so close; all I have to do is lean a bit forward, and the touch of his lips will be on mine—a feeling I’ve been craving since I was a little girl.
However, as soon as the fireworks appear, a SWAT team of the truth comes barreling in with guns and starts shooting around at all the color.
“Why are you saying all of this, Elijah?”
I pull away and rush out of his bunk, and he’s right on my tail.
“Lily, stop.” He grabs the back of my arm, twisting as I yank away from his hold.
“Don’t touch me.”
“Okay, I won’t, jeez.” Hands up in surrender, he pleads, “Please don’t run away from me. Let’s just talk this out.”
“That’s ironic.” I snort.
Maybe he’s right about what he said about the flames coming off my body because it feels like sparks are coming out of my eyes.
I see the moment he realizes the irony behind his words, because he never stuck around to talk. Swearing under his breath, he grips the roots of his hair.
I almost take a step forward to stop him from hurting himself. I’m not worth hurting over.
“You don’t get it, do you?” I blink rapidly, trying to see past the thick layer of tears.
“I really wish I could read your mind, but I can’t, Lily. You have to help me out here,” he blabbers, throwing his hands in the air, frustrated.
Hugging my torso, I hold myself up when the ground is really calling my name.
“Why are we suddenly fooling each other that anything could happen romantically? Not only do we live completely different lives, but there is too much history that’s already so ugly between us.
As soon as this tour is over, are you going to disappear?
How can I reopen my heart to trust you when I’m scared? ”
“I can’t force you to trust me.” Rubbing his chest like it’s aching, he shrugs, defeated. “But I’ve spoken only the truth and not done anything to break your trust since we’ve rekindled. That has to mean something.”
“I care about you so much, Elijah,” I admit, forcing the words out of my mouth, hoping they sound strong.
“But since you’ve come back into my life, I feel like a teenager again.
I’m so insecure. I have millions of people watching when I don’t even want to see my reflection in the mirror sometimes.
I hate that I care what the world says about me.
They even know my name now! Tell me how they could have gotten that information. ”
“If I knew, don’t you think I would have stopped it before it got out?” He doesn’t bother holding back the frustration in his voice. Mouth twisting down in disappointment, he turns his back to me and looks out at the world moving fast around us, but in here, it feels like it’s put in rewind.
“It’s killing me, trying to make you trust me.”
His confession is like a stab wound to my chest, and instead of it being stitched back up, my blood is leaking between my fingers as I attempt to cover the gash with my hand.
“Okay.” Taking a seat in the lounge, he eyes me worriedly. “Let’s start from the beginning.”