Casey
M y mind wakes, but my eyes stay closed. Heaviness weighs on my chest like an elephant. I fell asleep last night feeling… not at peace, but not as tormented as I am right now. My mom is gone, and the bittersweetness of it hurts.
So much pain and heartbreak caused by one person. I can’t make my mind comprehend how she could do the things she did, much less with no semblance of guilt or remorse. Even her last words to me.
How did she say the things she did to me my entire life? Or hit me like she did?
How could she hurt Jagger?
How did I not know?
I should’ve known, right? Or was I too self-absorbed in my pain—how she was hurting me to notice what she was doing to him? Is this why he spent most of my childhood and early teen years avoiding me?
So many questions I’ll never have answers to.
I don’t have to open my eyes or move to know I’m alone. Graham didn’t let me away from his side at all last night except for the hour he thought he slipped away to talk to my dad. I knew the moment he left the bed, but my body and mind were too tired to care. I knew he wasn’t going far. Not after that car ride home.
I toss the sheets off and go to the bathroom. When I look in the mirror, I wince. Where my face smacked the concrete is an angry shade of purple. I press the area, surprised it is not more tender.
Grabbing a washcloth, I wet it under some warm water, gently washing my face. Then I grab the toothpaste tube and dab a bit on my toothbrush, scrubbing away the night.
Back in the bedroom, I go to the bag Graham packed for me, choosing a pair of shorts, a T-shirt, and a hoodie. I dress and exit the room.
Two sets of eyes lock on me as soon as the door opens, both looking at me as if I’ll break.
Okay, I don’t mind hovering, but I’m not a fan of those pitying looks.
But I understand. What do you say to the girl whose mother kidnapped her as bait, then died in a shootout to save her?
My guess is not a lot because it’s too bizarre for there to be an appropriate response.
The only thing I can do is reassure them I’m fine, so with my head up, I walk through the room to the bistro set they sit around.
And I shouldn’t do it. I know I wasn’t supposed to hear the conversation between Graham and Jagger. But the second his eyes meet mine, guilt for what my mother did to him propels me into his chest as my arms wrap around him. “I’m sorry,” I whisper against his neck.
He squeezes me back. “For what?”
“For what she did to you,” I say, my voice breaking with each word.
He tenses and jumps away from me. His hands rip through his hair as his green eyes meet mine filled with panic and horror while his fists clench and unclench at his side. “Wh-what are you talking about?” His teeth grind as he stutters through the words.
Graham stands behind me, wrapping his hand around my waist, and bringing me to his chest. I feel the tension radiating off him as he glares at his brother’s defensive posture. “Calm down,” he bellows. Resignation flits over Jagger’s face, and Graham swears low. “Jagger, I didn’t mean to…”
Jagger waves him off. “It’s fine. It’s what you’re supposed to do, right?”
“No. Jagger, you know that’s not what I meant.”
I don’t know what they’re talking about. What I do know is Jagger, my brother and best friend, needs me. He’s needed me as long as I’ve needed him, but I never saw it. I break free of Graham’s hold—let’s be real; he lets me go—and throw myself at Jagger again.
He stiffens as I wrap my arms around him and whisper again how sorry I am. My tears soak his shirt as I murmur apologies for never seeing—knowing what she was doing. I tell him I understand if he hates me. That he can blame me because it was my mom who hurt him.
That makes him wrap his arms around me, squeezing me back as he buries his face in my hair. “I don’t hate you, Case. You’re my little sister. I couldn’t hate you if I tried.”
After a few more minutes, he releases me. Graham is quick to grab me, pulling me against his chest again, and I know it’s because he needs me close.
“I…” I look at the ground, ashamed of myself for eavesdropping on them last night. “Last night, I overheard you two talking. I heard you say you’re Noah’s…”
“Don’t say it, Case. I love you, but please don’t say that.” His voice is like gravel as he pleads with me, ripping his hands through his hair again. He will be bald before he’s twenty-five at this rate.
I bite my lip, nodding but I need to know. “But Mom’s gone.” I look over my shoulder at Graham. “What happens to Noah?”
Graham’s eyes lift to Jagger, a look crossing his face that causes Jagger to sigh.
“I can’t be his… Fuck, , I can’t even say the goddamn word without getting physically ill.”
“That’s why you’ve never seen him, isn’t it?”
He nods. “I don’t want to hate him, . He didn’t do any of this, but I can’t raise him. I just can’t.”
“Dad will,” Graham says. “He’s raised him all these months. He loves him. I honestly believe that baby has brought him back to life. He’s like he used to be before… everything.”
“I-if Maxwell keeps Noah, who will Jagger be to him?” I ask, trying to understand what Graham is saying.
“His brother. He never has to know otherwise. But we have to file for a new birth certificate, and Jagger has to sign official paperwork that makes Dad his adoptive father.”
Jagger slumps into the chair with his fingers gripping his hair. He doesn’t say anything for a while. When he looks up, my heart breaks as tears fall down his cheeks. “I hate how I feel, you know? I don’t want to feel sick every time I think of him. It fucking hurts because it’s not his fucking fault. And… Maybe one day I’ll regret it and wish I’d done everything differently, but I can’t see the future. I only know how I feel now, and he deserves better than that.”
I look over my shoulder at Graham, my mouth twisting with the question burning on my tongue. “Wh-what if Jagger changes his mind later? What then? I-I want Noah to be loved and happy and stable, but I don’t want Jagger hurt if he changes his mind later. Or worse, he’s never able to have a relationship with Maxwell again. Maybe…” The thought breaks my heart before I say it, but I know I need to. “What if he’s adopted by someone else?” The idea of never seeing Noah again is ripping me apart, but I know, even if I suggested I take Noah, the result would be the same. I need Jagger in my life. I don’t want to choose between one brother or the other, but that’s what I would be doing. Just like Maxwell would have to choose between his son and his grandson. My mom created a mess of pure devastation, and I can’t see any other way.
“No.” My head whips around at Jagger’s firm voice. “I don’t know where my head will be in a year or five or ten, but I’m not taking him from Dad. Or you.”
“Dad is all he’s known.” Graham wraps his arms around me tighter. “He’s with that kid every minute of the day except for a couple of hours in the morning and the afternoon.”
“B-but isn’t Maxwell kind of old to raise an infant?”
Graham’s deep chuckle soothes some of my nerves as he kisses my cheek. “Maybe a little, but he’s still pretty young and healthy, Sunflower. Don’t forget some people don’t even start having kids until they’re in their thirties and forties. And he’s mostly retired. He has all the time in the world to devote to a child. And this way keeps adoption agencies and social workers out of the way. It’s just us and the lawyers who handle the paperwork.”
“It’s you or Dad, ,” Jagger says.
“But if we take him, will we see you?”
He slumps, his head lowering. “It’s time I see him. I can’t promise it will be more than a one-time visit for now, but if he’s with either of you, I’ll have to get used to it.”
I feel Graham tense behind me again, but then he says, “It’s up to you, baby. Whatever you want, I’ll support.”
As much as I love Noah and I know he loves me, Graham is right. I’ve spent a couple of hours a month with him. Maxwell has been there every day for months. He brought Mom back to his house shortly after Noah was born. It would rip him apart to take the baby away. It would hurt Noah to be taken from Maxwell. And Maxwell has been ripped apart as much as any of us.
“I think he should stay where he’s at. It’s all he’s known.” I finally concede.
Graham kisses the side of my face, silently asking if I’m sure. I nod because I am. And with my mom gone, I can spend more time there. Or maybe… I spin in Graham’s arms. “Since my lease is running out—”
“For fuck’s sake, , if you say something about getting an apartment with six roommates I’ll bend you over right here.” His dark eyes sear into mine. Oh, boy. He’s serious.
My eyes widen, and I gulp as I shake my head. “I was going to ask if we can move in with Maxwell. I-I know it might be weird being together at your Dad’s house so you can say no, but I thought if we did, I could spend more time with Noah, and you wouldn’t have to keep going back there to get clothes every night, and …”
“.” My mouth gets covered by his large hand as he shakes his head, grinning. “Shut up.” He grips my face and kisses me softly. “ We can live anywhere you want. Tell me the moon, and I’ll make it happen. But as it happens, I would love to live there. I know neither of you have great memories there, but…”
“Krista didn’t take away the good, Graham,” Jagger says. “Mom loved that house.”
“And I met both of you there.”
“Then it seems we need to get home and get you packed.” He tells me, grinning. “But first, you should probably go see your dad.”
“D-does he know?”
“We told him everything last night.” His eyes jerk up to Jagger. “Well, almost everything.”
“And what about Maxwell? What will we tell him about Mom?”
Graham inhales sharply, his mouth pursing as he thinks. “For now, we’ll keep up that she’s just gone. Now, go see your dad, so we can go back to your apartment and get you packed.”