Epilogue
Dear, Kieran Whitaker
I hate this. I hate writing this damned letter but my therapist thinks it’s a good idea. That somehow responding to you will help bring me closure or at least some sort of peace, but I’m not sure that’s true.
How could it bring me peace? It can’t - I know this for a fact as I put pen to paper. The only thing that could truly bring me peace is being wrapped within your embrace. Not even the pills I found solace in could comfort me or numb me enough to erase the comfort I found in you.
You would be ashamed of how far I have fallen since you left me. You didn’t know though- you had no idea what I had started once you pulled away. It turns out we were both keeping secrets.
You wanted so desperately to protect me from going through everything again.
Thinking it would destroy me, but I seemed to do a pretty damned good job at destroying myself.
I think a part of me is thankful you're not here. I don’t know what you would have done if you would have been the one to find me when I overdosed.
I don’t think you could have physically handled taking care of yourself- getting through more temporary treatments while trying to take care of me- an addict.
Recovering addict I should say.
Either way it’s safe to say life didn’t turn out how any of us planned.
I want to hate you for leaving me but I can’t. Somehow I am actually proud. I know how tired you were but fuck- I wish I could have had another day of me and you. The real us- not the secret drug addict and cancer patient but just us.
I’m glad you aren’t in pain anymore baby and I pray to God you found peace.
I promise to try and live- to make you and Jax proud.
I love you too, Kieran…
Until we meet again,
With every ounce of love I can muster
Ace