Chapter Six
“Thank you for taking such good care of Charlotte last night.” I look across the table at my brother, at his blond hair and striking green eyes, realizing just how much I don’t want to say goodbye to him today.
I ran away from my old life so fast that I never considered how much I’d miss my family when the dust finally settled. And my God, do I miss them. So much so that I’m already counting down the days to Thanksgiving when I get to go home and see my parents and Dalton and Avery and the girls, both of which will probably have grown so much by then.
“I was happy to do it. Gave me an excuse to stay and pretend I was twenty again.” He masks his grin by taking a drink of his coffee.
“You’re only three years off,” I remind him.
“Just wait until you graduate. People actually expect you to be an adult.”
“I mean, technically, we’re all adults,” I correct him.
“You know what I mean.”
“I do.” I nod. “Any updates on Chipotle girl?” I change the subject.
“She has a name.” He snorts out a laugh. “Heather. And yeah, that’s not going anywhere.”
“Why? You seemed like you really liked her.”
“I did.”
“What happened? What’d you do?”
“Why does everyone always assume it was me?”
“Because you’re you...” I leave it at that.
River is a little bit of a flake when it comes to women. I wouldn’t call him a player, but he’s had a hard time committing to anyone ever since his high school girlfriend, Ann, broke up with him in their freshman year of college. Let’s just say she did a number on him.
And sadly, he’s not the only Parker child who had their heart put through a meat grinder by someone who claimed to love them. If it weren’t for Dalton and the fact that he’s been happily married to his high school sweetheart for five years, I’d think maybe our lineage had been cursed.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.” He huffs. “And for your information, she is the one who ended it after she decided to get back with her ex.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It is what it is.” He shrugs. “She was a great girl, but it’s not like I was in love with her or anything.”
“I know. I just... I’m just sorry, is all.”
“Don’t be.” He smiles, seeming completely unfazed by the whole thing. Truth be told, he’s probably relieved. Refer to my previous statement about commitment issues. “Speaking of the opposite sex, want to tell me who that guy was last night?”
My stomach twists at the mention of Kai.
I’ve tried not to think about the things he said to me last night, but I’d be lying if I said they haven’t been playing on constant repeat in my head since he walked out of my dorm room.
“What guy?” I act like I have no idea who he’s talking about.
“Don’t play dumb with me. You know exactly who I’m talking about. The one whose bones you looked like you were about to jump before Charlotte and I interrupted you.”
“One, don’t ever say bones and jump in the same sentence to me again.” I tick up a finger. “And two, that is not what was happening.” I tick up a second finger.
“Oh, that’s most certainly what was happening.” He interrupts before I can make my third point.
I drop my hand altogether.
“You misread the situation.”
“Well, clearly, there was something going on.”
“He’s just some guy who likes to push my buttons. That’s all it is.”
“If you say so.” He gives me a look that says he doesn’t buy it for a second.
“I do say so.” I take a drink of my own coffee, trying to seem completely at ease.
“Just be careful.” The way he lowers his voice gives me pause. “Something tells me he’s not the kind of guy you want to get tangled up with.”
“What makes you say that?” Curiosity wins out over my need for denial and deflection.
“Let’s just call it a gut feeling.” He pushes away his plate, which he cleared of all food within minutes. Meanwhile, mine still sits in front of me with half a stack of pancakes that I’m not even going to attempt to eat any more out of fear that I might explode.
“Well, I don’t have any interest in him, so it doesn’t matter anyway.”
Lies. Lies. All lies.
How can I say I have no interest in him when he’s all I’ve been able to think about for weeks? Hell, basically since the first night we met. He’s consumed my thoughts to the point that not even sleep can offer me any relief. It’s there that my inhibitions are stripped away and I can’t hide, not even from myself.
“Just be careful,” he says anyway.
“I will.” I take another sip of my coffee, checking the time on my phone. “Is it really already eleven?”
“Is it?” He finishes off his coffee in one drink. “Shit, I better get going if I want to make it home at a decent hour.”
“I hate that you have to leave already.” I pout.
“I know, me too. But I’ll see you at Thanksgiving.”
“That’s still over a month away.”
“It’ll be here before you know it.”
“I guess,” I grumble, scooting out of the booth. My brother follows and throws away his disposable cup before we make our way outside.
After saying our goodbyes, I watch him drive away a few minutes later, the heavy weight of homesickness settling in my chest. It’s not a feeling I’m unfamiliar with, unfortunately. I’ve basically been homesick since the day I arrived on campus.
I’m about halfway back to my dorm room when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. Smiling to myself because of course River is calling me—no doubt already bored—I pull it out, confusion tugging at my brow when instead I see a number I don’t recognize flash across the screen.
Dismissing it as spam, I send the call to voicemail but before I can even return my phone to my pocket, it starts ringing again.
I look at the number longer this time, the fact that it’s a North Carolina area code not lost on me. Not that it’s uncommon for me to get spam calls from North Carolina numbers. It isn’t. Sending it to voicemail a second time, my heart jumps when the number pops up a third time, mere seconds later.
“What the...” I murmur to myself, deciding to answer it, given how persistent the caller is. Fear gnaws at my insides. Did something happen back home?
Swiping my finger across the screen, I press the phone to my ear.
“Hello.”
“I knew you’d answer eventually.” The familiar voice washes over me and I stop dead in my tracks, my heart lodging somewhere in my throat.
“Leo?” It sounds like a question, but it isn’t. I’d recognize his voice anywhere.
“Hi, Lyric.” It’s so causal, the way one might address an old friend they haven’t talked to in a while.
“Why are you calling me?” I snap, seconds away from hanging up on him.
“I miss you.”
“You miss me?” My shock quickly morphs to anger.
“Why do you sound surprised?”
Is that humor in his voice?
“Maybe because the last time I spoke to you, you were balls deep in my best friend.” I seethe, my hands shaking so bad I can barely keep my grip on the phone.
“Oh, that...”
What. The. Actual. Hell.
“You know that meant nothing.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I let out a humorless laugh.
The freaking audacity of this guy.
“I tried explaining. I came to your house. I tried calling you for weeks.”
“Because there’s nothing to explain. You slept with my best friend. I know all I need to know.”
“I still love you.”
My stomach sours.
“Don’t call me again.” I end the call, immediately blocking the number he called from.
Rocks fill my insides, my heart seconds away from beating straight out of my freaking chest as the panic takes hold.
No. No. Not now... Please God.
I try to calm my breathing. Try to find a way to steady my rapid heart rate. Try to think of something else, anything to distract me from the way the world seems to close down around me, holding me prisoner in the moment. I close my eyes, balling my hands into fists as I will the attack away, will it not to bloom.
But just when I think all hope is lost, I hear it. A voice beckoning me from the darkness, calling me to come back. My eyes flutter open to find dark blue ones staring back at me.
It takes me several beats to recognize the warmth of his hands on my face, and even more to take in the concern etched into his features.
I don’t have time to think about how every time I find the ledge, he magically appears to talk me off of it. I don’t have time to consider why he’s here or how he seems to know exactly what to say to coax me back down. And I certainly don’t have time to consider my actions when I lean in and abruptly press my mouth to his.
The second our lips touch, the impending attack subsides, a different sort of panic taking its place. The kind that sinks its nails into me so deeply, I fear I won’t ever be able to free myself, though right now, I don’t think I’ll ever want to.
Not with the way Kai pulls me closer, with the way his hand splays across the small of my back, with the way his tongue teases the seam of my lips, asking for entrance that I happily grant.
And then he’s everywhere. The taste of him. The feel of him. It’s overwhelming. It’s terrifying. It’s hot ...
He kisses me with expert precision, his tongue lapping mine in a way that has me desperate for more. For him to never stop kissing me. For him to never stop touching me. I could die right now and never want for another thing in my life.
I know that sounds absurd, crazy even, but I can’t stop the desperate way my body craves him.
I plunge my hands into the silky locks of his hair, shamelessly tugging on the ends as I arch my body into him. There’s no outside world. No passersby to watch the exchange. No birds chirping to fill my ears. No sun to warm my skin. There’s only him...
“I warned you...” He groans against my mouth, dragging my lower lip through his teeth, and I whimper, not able to hold the noise in as my body fires on all cylinders that seem to all be trained in one direction, creating a deep ache in my lower belly that feels all-consuming.
“I don’t care,” I murmur, deepening the kiss.
“You should.” His hands slide to my hips and he locks me in place.
I can feel the shift before I allow myself time to process it. Feel him start to pull away no matter how desperate I am to hold on to him.
Kai’s heated gaze meets mine for all of one second before he steps back.
I feel the absence of his touch everywhere . I shiver as a breeze touches my scorched skin, ice cold despite how warm it is outside.
I blink once. Twice. A third time as the world slowly fades back into focus.
We’re in the middle of campus, in the middle of the day, on full display for anyone to see. My cheeks heat to molten level.
“I... I...” Words fail me.
I hate you. I want you. Why did you stop kissing me? Why did you let me kiss you? Why are you always around? How do you always seem to know where to find me? What do you want from me?
A million questions scatter across my brain, but not a single one makes it to my lips.
My lips ... Lips that just seconds ago were pressed to his.
I meet his gaze a second time.
“We can’t do this.” He takes another step back, almost like he doesn’t trust himself not to reach out and touch me again, and trust me, I understand the feeling.
“Because you don’t want me?” I challenge, the kiss awakening something in me I thought had died months ago. A spark I was so sure I no longer possessed.
“Because I do.”
The ground threatens to open up and swallow me whole.
“Then I don’t see the problem.”
“Then you’re not looking hard enough.”
“Why are you so hell-bent on keeping me at arm’s length? We both know it isn’t because you’re worried about your virtue.” It’s a low blow, but I can’t bring myself to regret it.
“Maybe I’m worried about yours.”
“That’s bullshit and we both know it. You want to know what I think? I think you’re toying with me for fun.” It’s an idea I haven’t wanted to entertain, but when the truth is staring you in the face... It’s the only explanation for his behavior. The only thing that makes any real sense.
“Why would you think I’d toy with you?” His gaze darkens.
“Because it’s the only thing that makes logical sense. You don’t actually want me. You just enjoy playing with me.” I cross my arms in front of my chest, feeling weak and exposed and... pathetic. “You’re a man who probably rolls out of a different girl’s bed every night, and yet, when I’m practically begging you to have your way with me, you shut me down. It all makes perfect sense now.”
My emotions are all over the place and I can’t seem to get a grasp on them.
Great, because you don’t look crazy enough already, let’s show him all our cards .
I try to tune out the little voice in my head because, let’s be real, she only makes things worse.
“You think you’ve got me all figured out, do you?” A humorless smile tugs at the corner of his lips, and I try so hard not to think about how that mouth felt on mine just minutes ago.
“Now that the gig is up, do me a favor and stay the hell away from me, would you?” I push past him, intentionally knocking my shoulder into his as I do.
I expect him to stop me. Hell, I wait for it. And sure enough, just when I think maybe he’s actually going to let me walk away, his fingers close down around my wrist, pulling me to an abrupt stop.
“Let go of me.” I try to pull my arm out of his grasp, but his grip is too strong, and well, I don’t actually pull that hard.
“You can’t say shit like that and think I’m just going to let you walk away.” He steps into me, his free hand coming up to cup the side of my neck. “I was trying to be the good guy for once.” He dips down, his expression unreadable. “Is that so hard for you to believe?”
“If I wanted a good guy, I wouldn’t be standing here with you, now would I?” I try, and fail, to keep the tremble from my voice. “Make no mistake, I know the kind of man you are.”
And I do. Sadly, I think maybe that makes me want him more.
“Then why do you continue to push me?” He lets out an exasperated sigh.
It’s a valid question, though I feel like it’s one he should be asking himself, not me. Considering basically every interaction we’ve had, he’s the one pushing me, testing me, daring me.
“I’m not the one pushing,” I say instead of the million other things I could say.
He considers that for a long moment.
“I’ll only hurt you.” He releases the hand he’s holding to touch the other side of my neck, urging my face upward.
“I’m tougher than I look.”
“I can’t promise you anything.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“You don’t strike me as the kind of woman who can handle casual.” He slides his nose against mine, the warmth of his body engulfing me.
Normally, I’d agree. But after Leo... after being reminded what being in a relationship can do to someone, it’s the last thing I want, to give another that kind of power over me. I’ve spent far too long trying to fit into everyone else’s version of the perfect me—my parents’, Leo’s, my old friends’—that I never stopped to ask myself if that’s who I really am.
Giving in to my desires does not make me less of a person. It does not make me less worthy of love or respect. If anything, it shows that I know how to listen to myself, and right now, every pore in my body is screaming that I want this, that I want him.
“Do us both a favor and stop pretending you know anything about me.” I wrap my arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer. “Now shut up and kiss me.” I rejoice when he does exactly that.
He kisses me like I am the sun, the stars, and the sky. Like I am the gravity holding him to the earth.
And God help me, once he starts, I don’t ever want him to stop.
“Where have you been?” Char sits up in bed the second I step inside our dorm room.
“Me and River went for pancakes before he left.”
It’s not a lie. We did, in fact, go for pancakes and then he left. I just leave out the fact that I spent the last twenty minutes practically mouth fucking Kai freaking Elliot in the middle of the quad.
“Why do you look flushed?” She arches a brow at me.
“Have you been outside?” I drop my phone and wallet onto my desk. “It’s crazy warm.”
“Why are you smiling?” Her suspicion grows.
“I am?” I reach up and touch my mouth, but that only makes me smile wider because it feels slightly swollen from Kai’s kiss.
“Why are you acting so weird? It’s almost like you...” Her mouth drops open. “You didn’t?” She looks seconds away from launching herself out of her bunk. “Did you hook up with someone?”
“What?” My voice breaks. “Of course I didn’t. I was with my brother.”
“Not this whole time, you weren’t.”
I don’t know how she knows, but she definitely knows, almost like she can see right through me.
“Who were you really with, Lyric?” She throws her legs over the side of her bunk and jumps to the ground with ease, her height making the descent not nearly as daunting as it would be for me, hence why I always use the ladder because I’d break an ankle otherwise.
I look around the room, thankful that Maisie isn’t here to hear what I’m about to confess. Much to my surprise, she was up early this morning, headed to the track for a run. Who runs with the type of hangover she was sporting, you ask? Well, I didn’t realize anyone did, but apparently, she does.
“Kai,” I softly admit, almost hoping she doesn’t hear me because I immediately want to take back the confession.
“Kai?” She moves toward me. “As in Kai Elliot?”
I nod, biting down hard on my bottom lip in an attempt to keep my expression neutral.
“I knew it!” she squeals, taking both of my hands in hers. “I knew something was going on between the two of you.”
“What do you mean? Nothing has been going on... Well, until today.”
“Please.” She rolls her eyes at me. “He’s always lurking around, watching you. And well, after what your brother and I interrupted last night... I’d venture to say whatever this is has been going on a lot longer than just today. Maybe this is the first time anything physical has happened, but that man has been eye fucking you for weeks.”
“What do you mean, lurking around watching me?” My forehead crinkles in confusion. Out of everything she said, this is the thing I cling on to.
“Don’t pretend like you haven’t noticed that everywhere you are, he seems to be. You can’t think that’s coincidence.” She shakes her head, drawing my attention to the paint that still sticks to the ends of her hair.
“No, he isn’t,” I argue, even though I know she’s not entirely wrong. Because yes, I have noticed. Though I honestly didn’t think anything of it, or at least I tried not to think anything of it.
“Um, okay.” She rolls her eyes a second time. “So what happened? Tell me everything.”
“We just kissed.” Heat slides up my cheeks, though I have no idea why I’m embarrassed.
“For now.” She grins.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I admit.
“Do what?”
“Casual.”
“Yeah, no offense, but I don’t know if casual is your thing.”
“I can do casual,” I argue. “I mean, I think I can. After everything I went through with my last boyfriend, I definitely don’t want another anytime soon.”
“Amen, sister. And there’s nothing wrong with a casual fling, so long as you can keep your heart out of the equation.” She gives me a pointed look, like I’m somehow incapable of such a feat. “Kai isn’t exactly the settle-down type.”
“I have no delusions where Kai Elliot is concerned. I know he isn’t boyfriend material. I think, in part, that’s what draws me to him. Right now I just want something easy. Simple. Exciting,” I admit, a smile touching my lips. “Do me a favor, though, and don’t mention this to Maisie yet. She grew up with Kai and I don’t want things to be weird. I’ll tell her when there’s something to actually tell.”
“I won’t say a word. Sometimes it’s nice to have something just for yourself, or in this case someone .” She smiles, lifting her eyebrows up and down suggestively.
“Yeah, I guess it is,” I agree.
Too bad you won’t have him just for yourself , that bitch of an inner voice chimes in, really on a roll as of late.
I hate it when she’s right. Because Kai was pretty straightforward that he couldn’t give me anything. That means no commitment. He’s free to sleep with whomever he chooses.
Unless... I shake the thought away, deciding that’s a problem for another day.
“So when are you seeing him next?”
“I’m not sure. We didn’t really get a chance to discuss anything. We were kinda interrupted in the heat of the moment by one of his friends and I was so embarrassed I made up some stupid excuse about going to the library and booked it.”
“You didn’t?”
I nod, facepalming.
“I’m such an idiot.” I groan.
“Stop it. You’re not an idiot. But your experience is lacking and you could definitely use some guidance here. Lucky for you, you have me.” She gives me a cheeky grin, the kind that immediately makes me nervous.
Yeah, maybe telling Charlotte wasn’t the best choice. Then again, I had to tell someone, or I was likely to explode.
“I think I can manage.” I start to back away. “Besides, I actually do have a crap ton of schoolwork to get done.”
“You’re a horrible liar, you know that.” She laughs, shaking her head at me. “Just know I’m here if you need me.”
“I appreciate that.” I plop down at my desk.
“In the meantime, I could use a shower.” She grabs her robe and shower bag.
“Is that what I smell?” I tease, laughing when she gives me the most seriously offended face she can muster before slipping out into the hallway.
Once she’s gone and the silence of the room settles over me, I start to question every single decision I made that put me here. And while it’s in my nature to want to regret kissing Kai, for shamelessly asking him to kiss me, I just can’t bring myself to do it.
I want him. It really is that simple. The rest will figure itself out, or at least that’s what I tell myself to keep the inevitable doubt from creeping in.