Chapter 1 #2
I’d sworn off men for now because the last time I’d given in to a one-night stand that turned into a weekend of sex, I ended up pregnant.
“See, in and out in thirty minutes,” I chirped, climbing into the front passenger seat. Dora was in the back with Sebastian. We decided not to disrupt my baby’s good mood, and I didn’t want to treat Trevor like a driver even when he insisted I could sit in the back with my baby.
When we were on our way to the apartment, Trevor shot me a fleeting glance. “Lucy’s asking about you and Sebastian.”
“I know,” I groaned. Murphy’s law dictated that if anything could go wrong, it would. “What did you tell her?”
“It’s none of her business.”
I laughed.
“Is Lucy Dominic De Lucci’s sister? The one who married into the Zahkarov bratva?” Dora asked.
Trevor kept quiet. Of course he knew about Dora and our history with the bratva, but we hadn’t spoken openly about it yet.
That would trigger a minefield of memories neither Dora nor I wanted to revisit.
Before she started working at shelters, Dora had been a mistress like my mother.
Unlike my mother, though, a high-ranking member of the Zahkarov bratva forced her to become the other woman.
Despite my friend’s experience with criminal organizations, she’d taken a liking to Dom, the don of the De Lucci crime family.
She said he exuded the same protective vibes as Trevor.
I glanced over at my friend. “Yes.”
“Are we safe from the bratva?” Dora asked.
Trevor noticed my hesitation and came to my rescue. “We extracted a promise from the bratva to leave you alone. Besides, you still have twenty-four-hour security on you.”
With that settled, he dropped us in front of the canopy of an exclusive apartment building on the Upper East Side and introduced us to Hudson, my security for the day. He was a blond man, larger than Trevor, if that was possible.
Dora carried Sebastian. Hudson grabbed the stroller and the diaper bag, and I was left holding nothing.
But my eyes were trained on Sebastian, who felt comfortable in Dora’s arms. A hesitation inside me prevented me from reaching for him.
Was it guilt that I left him in Dora’s care for three months?
But no, it was way before that. I had mixed feelings when I found out I was pregnant, but it wasn’t until I discovered the identity of my weekend fling that fear consumed me, filled me with dread.
I craved independence. Uncertainty only heightened my survival instinct. Part of that survival instinct was not getting attached to anyone.
Including my baby.
The constant battle inside me of whether he was safe with me and the unknowns springing from his complex parentage had spawned a fear inside me, subduing me from loving my son with all my heart.
Because…what if the unselfish thing to do was to let someone else raise him?
Someone without my baggage.
A couple who could nurture him in a real family.
But was that thought also selfish? That I wanted to cut and run and not get attached?
Was I thinking only about myself?
And then the guilt would set in…
“Talk to Sebby.” One look at my face and my lagging behind as we got into the elevator was all it took for Dora to read my thoughts instantly. “It’s only been overnight. He’ll get used to you.”
“I don’t deserve to be his mother.” Tears burned my eyes as I gave voice to the conclusion wrapping around my heart.
“Oh, honey.” Dora reached out to me with one arm to give me a quick squeeze. “You do. I know you, remember?”
Yes, she knew me. She showered the rebellious fifteen-year-old me with patience, knowing I was acting up because I thought my mother didn’t want me around anymore.
That rainy night when we almost crashed, my mother thought someone was trying to kill us, and that was her reason for sending me away.
At that time, I thought either she was paranoid or tired of being saddled with a teenager.
I sulked for months until I realized Dora was giving me the stability my mother never had.
The brief ride in the elevator prevented further discussion.
Besides, with a bodyguard around, we couldn’t exactly talk about the situation.
Thankfully, Hudson was astute, and after dropping off the stroller and the bag, he said he was going to check with the surveillance team in the CCTV room and instructed us to engage all the locks behind him.
The three-bedroom apartment was elegantly appointed with parquet wood floors, high ceilings, and a magnificent view of the city.
The airy space heightened my anxiety because previous to this move, I’d stayed hidden in the De Lucci apartments, and before that, a secluded cabin in the mountains. I felt exposed.
“We need to roll up these rugs,” I mumbled. This apartment was baby-proofed against causing Sebastian harm, but not the other way around. “I didn’t have the time to do this before you guys arrived.” I’d been anxious about my meeting with Theo.
“You’re fine. You’ve got the baby gates installed in the kitchen and this portable playpen.” She gestured to the 80-inch-by-50-inch enclosure with a cushioned mat. Sebastian spotted the play balls inside it and made cooing noises while reaching out.
“I’ll fix his lunch.” I checked my watch.
Sebastian appeared quite comfortable being left in the playpen with his favorite stuffed octopus and a host of new toys. It was upsetting how many milestones I had already missed.
Dora gave him a once-over before heading my way. “See, you worry too much. He’ll adjust.”
I blew out a breath. “Babies bond within the first few months.”
“And you were with him for the first five.”
“But I failed to bond with him because…” My voice broke with a strangled sob. “Why was it easy for me to leave him with you?”
I sniffed as I poured milk over Wheaties to let them soak while I heated the pan to cook him eggs. Dora peeled a banana, mashed half of it, and added it to a plate. She offered me the other half. When I shook my head, she ate it.
“Because his safety was more important. Learning that Bruce Davenport—the main executor of Duncan King’s anonymous trust—might have been murdered was enough to make you paranoid.
He was the only person who knew where you were hiding and that you had a baby.
I know I was fearful until you assured me Davenport’s murderer was dead. ”
Dora only knew that it was a mob hit and had no connection to me or the trust. But it did. Jeremiah had bankrolled a multilayer conspiracy for a power grab against Theo.
She gave me another one of her reassuring squeezes. “A baby’s bond to us is more primal. It’s there…he’ll remember with your scent and the more you interact with him.”
We had talked about this last night when I was unexpectedly blindsided by Sebastian’s unwillingness to come to me.
It was almost traumatic, and it was making me second-guess every interaction with him.
I’d never been fond of babies. Sure, I’d held them for moms in the shelter, but I didn’t think I had the maternal instinct.
I didn’t even want to remember the first few weeks after Sebastian’s birth.
It was as if I’d birthed an alien and I didn’t know what to do with him.
If it weren’t for Dora reminding me of the hormone soup and the lack of sleep, I would have believed I was an evil mom.
Dora was there every step of the way. She took over when I was desperate for sleep. It was through her that I discovered the blessings of having a nighttime nanny.
I had newfound respect for single moms who didn’t even have that kind of support.
“Okay, you wanna try?”
This morning, Dora showed me that Sebastian was capable of self-feeding. Maybe to reassure me that if worse comes to worst, even if he rejected me, he wouldn’t be rejecting food.
I offered a brief nod and rolled my lips, fingers clinging to the plate of food as if it were a lifeline, a bribe so my baby would accept me.
Sebastian’s eyes lit up when he saw what was in my hand, and he left the rubber balls to crawl to the edge of the enclosure closest to me.
“He’ll be pulling up soon; I’ll go get him,” she murmured and walked past me to reach in and lift him.
She set him in the high chair and locked him in. Both of us sat in front of him, and his eyes bounced between us.
“He’s hungry. Good,” Dora said. “Show him the hand that feeds him.”
I laughed. In some ways, all mammals shared the same survival instinct.
I offered him a couple of spoonfuls of the soaked cereal along with the eggs and banana.
He gobbled them up and raised his arms, wanting the plate.
“Okay, hand it over, Mama,” Dora chuckled. “Don’t be a tease.”
I laughed harder.
Sebastian kicked his feet as if reacting to my laughter, and a small bubble of mirth escaped his mouth.
That merriment inflated my heart with a glimmer of self-confidence that maybe my baby might like me.
I didn’t dare be the one to release him from his high chair yet.
His eyes still sought Dora more than me, but I had to remind myself that it had only been a day and I was less hormonal now than I had been all those months ago.
We ended up with a messy tray and grubby little hands. He started throwing his food when he’d had enough, but I was too elated to care because I’d crossed the first hurdle of feeding my child.
The tenant station in the apartment rang, so I went to answer it.
“Hello.”
“Miss Brown, there’s a gentleman here to see you.”
My heart stuttered. Who else knew I was here? Was Theo going to push his case? But no, he was too busy with his empire to come down here, and I heard his assistant mutter about his packed schedule.
“Who is it?” I should tell Hudson. I had the option to switch to video with the concierge, but a wisp of danger prevented me from doing so.
The voice that came over the line sent chills and weakness through my limbs; I had the hysterical desire to push the end call button.
“Princess, is there something you want to tell me?”
Sebastian’s father.