Chapter 6 #2
With that thought and the idea of him sinking into her wet heat in mind, he came into his hand with a wet rush and did his best to come on his shirt rather than around his living room like a heathen. Thankfully, he had decent aim, even when he was losing himself in thoughts of Olivia.
As reality began to sink in, he rolled up his shirt a bit and then stripped it off from behind, doing his best not to spread his mess around. He was alone in his house, masturbating on his couch to the thoughts of a woman he wanted in his life while he was pretty sure she wanted to run again.
He’d officially hit another version of his rock bottom.
By the time he’d put his shirt in the washer along with his jeans and the rest of his clothes from the hamper and washed up, he was annoyed with himself.
He put on some gym shorts, not bothering with underwear since he wasn’t planning to go anywhere, and walked into the kitchen for a beer.
That’s when the phone in his pocket buzzed that familiar tone once again, and he gritted his teeth, knowing this call wouldn’t be good.
None of them had been recently, but there was nothing he could do about it except listen and try to be a good son.
His mom had always loved Stacey more than she did him. It was a fact he’d never gotten out of his head, but he’d learned to live with it long ago.
“Mom.”
“I hate myself.”
Jesus. He hated himself too because all he wanted to do was hang up and try to get her to go and get help again. Only she wouldn’t, and he was all she had left, so he’d never do that to her, even if it took a little sliver of his soul with each passing day and every call she made.
But she was his mother, and he was going to do his best by her, even if it wasn’t enough.
Was it any wonder that he wanted to shield himself from anyone else that could get too close for too long? He already had enough on his plate as it was.
“Mom.” He tried to keep his voice patient. He was always so patient with her. He loved his mother and would continue to until the end of his days and perhaps even beyond that, but she took every ounce of his energy at times.
She deserved so much more, though, and that was something he needed to remember.
She’d been through hell and had clawed her way back out, bloody and broken, only to be kicked again when Dad left.
Derek was all she had left, and yet he felt as if he wasn’t enough.
He couldn’t blame himself for it, though; she’d tried hard for too long and now she just was who she was, a shadow of her former self, with hardly a resemblance to the woman who used to cut up his and Stacey’s sandwiches into little hearts and other shapes for school then eat the leftover pieces herself since she hated wasting food.
“Derek. I’m tired.”
He leaned against the counter, giving himself a moment before he went to put on clothes and grab his keys.
He always went to her when she needed him, and every time around a holiday, anniversary, or birthday, she got worse.
They were a couple of months away from a trigger, but she was still having a bad day.
It was obvious. He hated this for her and knew that no matter how much help he tried to get her, how much help he tried to give her, it might not ever be enough.
“I know, Mom. I know. What can I do?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. I hate this, Derek. Why can’t everything go back to how I need it to? Why did it all have to change?”
“I’m sorry, Mom. There’s nothing I can say to make it better. Nothing I can say ever makes it better. But I’m here. And if you need me, I’ll sit with you right now.”
She let out a long sigh that went straight to his heart. “I’m sorry for calling. I don’t need you. I just need my family back.”
He was her family, too, but he didn’t say that.
Instead, he listened in silence for a few more moments before she hung up on him, then he took his phone to his room and changed into a pair of jeans and a clean shirt.
He quickly stuffed his clothes from the washer into the dryer since he’d used the quick cycle and then grabbed his keys and headed to his car.
He’d go sit with his mom and just listen.
She more than likely wouldn’t have anything to say to him, but then again, she rarely did.
But he’d be there for her as he always was.
He hated that she was constantly in pain about things that were out of both his and her control, but he’d try to help her now.
He hadn’t been able to protect his sister when it mattered most. He hadn’t been enough for his father when times had gotten too rough and leaving had seemed the easier choice. So Derek would be damned if he gave up on his mother when she was at her worst.
And even as he slid into his car and headed down the familiar roads to his mother’s house, a different one than the one he’d grown up in since that had been too much for everyone, Olivia’s face flashed through his mind.
Tomorrow was supposed to be their night. That was when he was going to take a risk. And yet it seemed so much harder when his past kept coming back and hitting him hard in the face with each phone call from his mother.
Life was never easy, but living after the dead had moved on and you hadn’t was harder than he’d ever thought possible.