Chapter 56
Tabitha
“We can’t get away from the old shit,” he said, laughing. “But it’s dark, and no one’s watching us.”
We fronted up to the bar, and he bought us gin and tonics and carried them to a booth nestled into the stone wall.
Once we were seated, he pulled me under his arm, and we took a sip of our drinks.
“What else did you want to tell me, Tim?” I asked. Tucked under his arm, pressed against the side of his body, a euphoric tingling spread through my body. I was right where I was supposed to be.
“Basically, another way I’ve fucked up. You know what I realized this week? While I was getting everything together for the advert?”
“I can’t imagine how much you spent on that, Tim.” My heart nearly burst at the thought of someone going to that extreme for me.
“Did it work?” He held my gaze intensely, and I melted.
“Yes.”
“Cheap at twice the price.”
I laughed, and he went on, “It made me reflect on how much energy I’d wasted covering up that Mum was declining, putting on a show for Amy, hoping Mum would keep up the ruse.”
He took a breath, and I squeezed his hand.
“While I was doing all that, I wasn’t allowing myself to experience how I was actually losing Mum, how she’s slipping away from me.
I dealt with it when she didn’t know the way to the shops, tried to climb the school fence, left the water on to boil.
But I haven’t let myself feel the grief.
“Last night, I took her to the public pool, and she smiled, because she was so happy she was in the water, so happy when she looked up at the sky. You know how it is when it’s dusk in the Cotswolds, and the water is cold and the air is crisp, and it’s so beautiful?
And the smile on her face was the one I saw when she returned from a trip with her old wild swimming group.
Then she turned to me, and I could see it.
She didn’t really know who I was. I was familiar, but she couldn’t quite place me.
I think she thought I was a young man who often swam in the lane next to her.
Then her face relaxed, her eyes had a spark of recognition, and she said my name.
She remembered I was her son. But there was a flash in between those two things.
She realized she’d forgotten me, and she was very afraid. ”
“Oh, Tim.” I gave a quick squeeze to his waist and swallowed around a lump in my throat, choked at how sad that must have made him feel. “That’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.”
He nodded, blinking rapidly. “That flash was it for me. I lost it. I swam the next length of the pool beside her, crying, really bawling like I haven’t done since Dad died.
She’s leaving us in increments, which is hard to take, but it was the fear on her face that was so terrible.
That moment, she was in such pain, and I would have done anything to take it away from her. ”
“I know.” I rubbed his arm.
He shuddered out a breath. “Instead of constantly running around and trying to hide what’s going on with her, I want to slow down and spend as much time as I can with her and actually enjoy it.”
My eyes blurry with tears, I took his hands.
“Now you can,” I said. “We both can.”
He held me close, and all felt so right with my world.
I was home…because I was in this man’s arms.