Chapter 27 Rowan
Rowan
Itried to visit her every day—both for her and for me.
And the only day I couldn’t find her at home, I found her alone, in a church.
I knew it would have been too much for me if I didn’t get to see her every day when I went in for my croissant and latte for a week so, I took off early from the restaurant to go see her.
Sometimes it was early enough for us to have dinner together, other times I was lucky enough to be able to cook us brunch.
So today, after a week of her well-deserved time off, I’m all but skipping as I make my way to The Black Cat.
I pull open the door and I’m met with someone who isn’t Natalia. Her employee, Rosa, is at the front, working the register, while her other employee, Mitchell, handles the bar and pastries.
Covered in disappointment, I order my usual morning latte and croissant anyway. Rosa hands me my warmed up croissant and steaming latte and after muttering and smiling my thank you, I ask, “Hey, is Natalia here today?”
“She took some extra time off,” Rosa says. “I’m sure if you call, she’ll answer.”
“Of course.” I force a feeble smile. “Thanks, Rosa. Have a good day.”
“You too.”
What she doesn’t know is that she should have been back today, which tells me she isn’t ready.
After I found her at the church, we went to her apartment where I made love to her and stayed until she fell asleep in my arms. I had to leave before my shift that night, so I left a note telling her I needed to take care of the restaurant, but I’d see her the next day.
And it’s the next day.
I linger outside the bakery, calling and texting her. The messages deliver but go unread and unanswered. The calls ring and ring before taking me to voicemail. I’d go to her apartment but I can’t get into her building without being given access—whether that be with a key or being buzzed in.
So, I do the next best thing I can think of while my nerves jitter in all four limbs. It’s a helpless sensation that’s suffocating as I walk two blocks over, down Main Street, and arrive at Books and Beans. One of Lana’s employees greets me with a smile and says, “Looking for the boss?”
“I am.”
“I’ll go get her,” they say.
I mutter a thank you and sit at a secluded table in the corner, my leg bouncing so violently it hits the bottom of the round table. Instead of relenting, I let it hit and hurt. It’s almost grounding as I look out the window, watching people cross the street and walk up and down the block.
“Rowan?”
I flinch at the sudden sound of my name and my head snaps in that direction. Lana is coming toward me dressed in her usual jeans and T-shirt, with her hair up in a ponytail that sways at her back.
“Hey, Rowan,” Lana says, folding her arms over her chest. “What’s going on?”
“Have you heard from Natalia?” I ask. “Shit, I’m sorry. Hey, Lana, how are you?”
She chuckles. “Hey, RoRo. Are you okay?”
I nod, rapidly, my hand shaky on my bouncing knee. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m just…”
“It’s okay,” Lana says comfortingly. “She texted us this morning, why? What’s wrong?” A worry line appears between her brows.
“No, nothing, she just wasn’t at The Black Cat.”
“You’re worried,” Lana murmurs.
I nod, a frown tugging at my mouth.
“I know you are,” she says, “but just be patient. I know you know how it can be for her.”
“I do,” I rasp. “That’s why I want to help her.”
“Rowan.” Lana sighs. “Natalia is strong and stubborn, in the best way. Sometimes, she doesn’t know what to do when someone offers her help.
She doesn’t always know how to accept it.
And sometimes it hurts us, I know that. But other times, we have to give it anyway even if she resists or pushes us always because, no matter what, she needs it just as much as everyone else. ”
I nod.
“Just don’t give up on her,” Lana says quietly. “And if you plan to…
“I don’t plan to.” Ever.
“I know,” she says. “But, as her best friend, I am required to threaten to hurt you if you hurt her.”
I snort, humorlessly, no matter how much I try to sound genuine. “Can we sit and talk?” I ask. “If you’re free for a few.”
“Of course.” She gives me a warm, kind smile. “Just give me one sec.” Lana scurries away, quickly removing the Books and Beans apron and washing her hands before returning.
Lana sits across from me, folding her arms on the table and patiently waiting. Over her shoulder, I spot Christian filling shelves and casting a glance her way every so often. I ignore him, for now.
“Lana, I don’t know what to do,” I finally say with an exasperated sigh.
“I know.” She puts a comforting hand on my trembling one. “But I think you understand better than most guys ever have. You love her, Rowan.”
My nod is stiff—clipped. Her hand squeezes mine ever so lightly.
“This piece of advice may sound…silly, but I swear it’s the only thing that matters sometimes.”
“Okay, what is it?”
“Just keep loving her.”
“Loving her is the easy part,” I say. “I just…” I sigh and rub a hand down my face. “She pushes me away, Lana. All the time.”
Lana frowns. “I know. Like I said, she’s stubborn—defensive of herself and her heart.”
“She opens up to me then shuts down out of nowhere sometimes,” I whisper-shout. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“I’m sorry I don’t have the answer to that.
” Lana frowns. “But I know where you’re coming from.
If it helps, Christian was the same way for a bit.
Slowly, I just learned that it was his way of coping.
It was a slow, careful way to let me in.
He gave then took, but the next time he gave, he gave triple.
It happened again and again until the gates went up and the walls were down, and I was in.
Sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back. I know that it doesn’t feel fair.”
I shake my head.
“I know,” she sighs. “But sometimes, patience is what love really is, Rowan. And I know you love her, we all do. And she knows it too.”
“She’s so scared, Lana.”
Lana’s nod is clipped too. “It isn’t my place to talk about her feelings toward you, but I think that much is obvious.”
“Lana…” I sigh and tug at my hair until pain sparks. “I know she feels something. I know.”
“I know.” Lana sighs behind tight lips, and she obviously wants to say something but won’t. “Look, Rowan, you’re doing everything you can. You are doing everything right and sticking by her. You want the best for her. You are one of the best things for her. I just—I can’t say much—”
“It isn’t your place, I know,” I say with a sniffle. “I’m sorry.”
“Rowan.” Lana’s eyes soften. “I’m one of her best friends and I love her…so much. I’ve known her since we were kids, and I can confidently say that if there was ever anyone I would want to love her, it’s you. You’re the only one that really knows how.”
“Thank you,” I rasp, my throat tight and dry. “I’m sorry if I put you in an awkward position.”
“Stop that.” She swats her hand on my arm. “We’re friends too, Rowan.”
I roll my eyes. “Thank you, Lana.”
“Love ya, RoRo.”
“Love you too, LaLa,” I say, then shout over her shoulder, “And you too, CoCo.”
Christian rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I love you too. Leave.”
“Ignore him.” Lana rolls her eyes. “He’s having a weird day so he’s been overworking himself all morning.”
“He okay?”
She smiles proudly, nodding. “He will be. All of us will be.”
Lana and I hug before I step out the bookshop cafe, determined to have Natalia in my arms tonight.