Insidious

Chapter 19

Isaac

I stand at the familiar doorstep for a second longer than I should.

My hand hovers, not knocking, not leaving. I feel Luna move behind me. Amelie gurgles in her baby carrier.

I know why I’m stalling. This is necessary, and I should have done this a long time ago. Still, knowing why my mum is the way she is, I can’t help but hesitate. Losing a child like that … Now that I have Amelie, I get it.

Instead of knocking and walking in like I normally do, my thumb presses the doorbell before I can think too hard about it.

I listen to it chime somewhere inside and exhale slowly, trying to loosen stiff shoulders while my eyes flick automatically to the neighbour’s driveway.

No sign of her car next door. Good. I don’t want to see Chloe.

I don’t want to run into her, don’t want the awkwardness, the explanations, the look she has down pat—hurt, defensive, understanding. She has perfected the art of playing the victim.

I’ve blocked her everywhere. Phone. Messenger. WhatsApp.

I don’t pick up unknown numbers. She has tried that as well.

Too little, too late, from my side, but still.

My social media now consists of the occasional pathetic scroll through Luna’s old posts; pictures, updates, glimpses of a life I was already halfway to losing before I realised it.

The door creaks open.

“Mum.”

She looks drastically different. The last few weeks have stripped off a layer.

There is more grey in her hair, and her clothes are hanging off her.

My heart squeezes. Mum has always been formidable.

Her days managing wards in a busy NHS hospital meant some of it trickled down into our lives.

And losing Sophie when she was only ten made her … harder somehow.

Now, there’s a faint slackness around her mouth. Fine lines that weren’t here before.

“Isaac,” she says, before noticing Luna behind me. Awkwardness seeps in, and Mum is at loss for what to say for the first time in forever. But with perfect timing, Amelie lets out a monumental fart, which has us breaking into startled laughter.

Mum smiles as she steps aside. “Come in.”

I walk past her into the house that still smells exactly the same.

Beeswax. Coffee. Something baking in the oven for lunch.

Nothing has changed.

And yet, everything has.

My father is in the living room, reading his newspaper. He looks up when I walk in and gives a small nod.

“Son.”

A smile spreads over his weathered face when he spots Amelie in her baby carrier, and behind us, Luna.

Mum closes the front door and joins us.

“Sit,” she says, gesturing towards the sofa.

Photos crowd the wall—our wedding, my graduation, a photo of Amelie on the day she was born, Sophie on the swing, so long ago.

For a moment, no one speaks.

The awkward silence stretches like a rubber band. I watch as Mum clasps and unclasps her hands awkwardly. The house has never been like this. There is always noise and movement. My mother has always seemed to fill every corner of it with her presence.

Now, we’re all choosing our words carefully.

I wait for Luna to sit and then crowd her on the two-seater sofa.

I know from how stiffly she holds herself that she would prefer I keep my distance, but the warmth of her thigh against mine is the first time I am this close to her in what seems like forever.

It is bliss. I need her here for every word I’m about to say.

My mum’s eyes flick uncertainly to her, just for a second, but this time, they don’t move away as quickly. There’s hesitation there, an uncertainty I have never seen in her.

“How are you, Luna?” she asks.

She looks up from cooing to Amelie after checking her diaper.

There’s a pause before she stiltedly offers, “I’m … okay.”

My mum nods, like she expected it. I don’t think she realises how much her doting on Chloe has resulted in Luna distancing herself from her.

Only now does she turn back to me.

“And … how is Amelie?” She adds, “Do you need me to …”

I refuse her offer before it takes off. “Not right now, Mum. We need a little time. We are still adapting. I have a lot to make up for.”

The words feel wrong the second they leave my mouth.

They barely cover sleepless nights. Tears she turns away to hide.

The way she still struggles to meet my eyes.

And when she does, I feel like I am trying to make it to Everest base camp in my summer clothes.

I don’t tell Mum about standing in the doorway at night, watching Luna breathe evenly like a stalker.

About pulling the quilt up around her and not daring to kiss her forehead.

“Amelie’s good,” I say. “She’s—” I can’t help the smile. “She’s the best baby. Sleeps so well.”

Luna finally relents when she notices Dad looking at Amelie. He nods slowly when she settles her in his arms without asking, eyes on our gurgling baby.

My mum’s gaze is soft as she gets distracted by her granddaughter.

“Sleeps so well,” she repeats to herself.

I hold her gaze.

Some things feel too exposed to say with Luna right here. And yet, they need to be said.

I let out a breath and lean forward, elbows on my knees.

“There’s something you both need to understand,” I begin. “And I wanted Luna to hear it too. I know I have said it before but I wanted all of you to have the whole picture.”

Her expression stays the same. “Go on.”

I glance at Luna. She doesn’t look at me, but I know she is listening while giving me the space to have this private conversation.

I turn back.

“This thing with Chloe … Our marriage, all ten seconds of it. It wasn’t young love or anything like you made it out to be.”

She frowns. “Isaac. You told me this in the hospital. I wish I had known.”

“No.” I shake my head. “Just … listen, for once. I want dad to hear it as well. And Luna…”

For a moment, I think she’ll interrupt anyway.

I drag a hand over the back of my neck as I soldier on.

“We never fell in love. I was never into Chloe … like that. It was uni,” I say. “I told you I was drunk. And I … she ended up in my bed. To this day, I don’t know if we had sex. I won’t call it anything else because I was too drunk to be aware of what went down.”

The words feel blunt and different from the version Chloe told Mum, and I didn’t help by not contradicting her at the time.

“And I thought we both understood it was a mistake and that would be the end of it,” I add quickly.

“I didn’t—I don’t see her that way. I never have.

And I never will. But there are a few things I didn’t tell you.

” I look at my hands, too embarrassed at how I let things get out of control. “She told me she was pregnant.”

Dad shifts slightly. Mum is listening.

“She said she was pregnant. And I believed her.” I let out a breath. “Of course I did. Chloe was my best friend. I never thought she would lie. We got married because I thought we had to. What I also didn’t tell you was it was the worst period of my life.”

Mum leans forward now, confusion clear on her face.

“But … she wasn’t—”

“She wasn’t pregnant,” I say. “She admitted it after we got married. And only because I found her soiled tampons when I was cleaning out the bin. I haven’t touched her since that day I got drunk, though she wanted to.

But I stuck with the marriage because I guess I didn’t want to feel like a failure. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“She slept with someone else but I didn’t know it at that time,” I add.

“Not just with the guy I found her with. I didn’t know how we were going to manage with a child coming.

I was even thinking of dropping out of college and getting a job.

And then she had that job offer from France, and she wanted me to go with her. She almost forced me to drop out.”

My mum stares at me in shock.

“You never told me this,” she says. Her voice is barely a thread.

I shake my head. “No.”

“Why?” she asks. “Isaac, why didn’t you tell me?”

I hold her gaze.

Then I glance at Luna, who is still listening.

“You … thought of her like your child,” I say slowly “You always behaved like she was a replacement for Sophie. And I didn’t want you in that dark place you were in when Sophie died.

I guess I didn’t want you to be disappointed.

Because you seemed to love Chloe more than me.

If it came down to the wire, I wasn’t sure you would take my side over hers. ”

The words feel strange, as if I am letting out all of the uncomfortable thoughts I have buried.

But they are true.

“I didn’t want to upset you,” I add. “I guess.”

The admission sits there.

My mum leans back, her hands covering her face.

“Oh, Isaac …”

Regret bleeds into every word.

“I wish I had known,” she whispers.

I believe her.

“I tried to handle it,” I say. “I was relieved when she left for France. It was like a fresh start for me.”

She nods faintly, seeming to understand.

“And then she came back. And lately, it’s been too much.”

Dad speaks for the first time.

“I told you, Manon. I told you that girl was trouble.”

“Yeah,” she says, in a daze. “You did say that.”

My mum looks up again. Her eyes shine with tears.

She just looks … sad.

“I thought I was helping Chloe,” she says. “I guess I always blamed you for the split. I wish I had known … Wish I had listened …”

“I know.” And I do.

“But I’m not her parent,” I say. “I’m not even her friend anymore. I can’t keep being responsible for her. I can’t get her groceries. I can’t help if her fuse box shorts. She needs to find a life, and it’s not ever going to be with me.”

Mum nods slowly.

“I see that now.”

I hesitate before I say it.

“And Luna doesn’t like her. Which means I don’t want to be anywhere near her.”

My mum’s eyes flick to Luna. She doesn’t move, only offering her a deadpan stare.

“You shouldn’t have invited her to our baby shower without telling us.

And you definitely shouldn’t have brought her into the room after Amelie was born.

I wouldn’t like any ex of hers within a five-mile radius of Luna,” I explain.

“She doesn’t like her,” I repeat. “And she’s not wrong.

And I’ve already hurt Luna enough. I’m not doing anything that makes it worse.

Not for you. Definitely not for an ex who means nothing to me. ”

No one interrupts.

“I didn’t realise it had come to this,” my mum says after a moment. “I am so sorry I missed the signs. I don’t know what I was thinking, bringing her to the hospital room on the day Amelie was born. I am so sorry, Luna.”

There is a different silence now.

“I’m sorry,” she says again, “for missing what you were going through, Luna. I wasn’t helping at all, was I?”

I shake my head once.

“Thank you for saying that, Manon,” Luna finally replies. “But I need time. I don’t trust you.”

Mom flinches but says nothing. I reach for my keys.

“I need you to let this go,” I reiterate, in case it wasn’t clear. “When it comes to me, I am no longer Chloe’s errand boy.”

Mum nods again. I choose to believe her. I hope this is a turning point and not the moment I have to distance myself.

“You’ve always been right about a lot of things,” I say, glancing back. “We’ve always listened.” A faint, tired smile crosses her face. “But not this time. This time, I was so wrong, and so were you.”

She exhales softly— “No. Not this time.” I nod. “Luna is my life,” I say quietly.

“I know,” my mum replies.

There’s no hesitation in it.

Then, she turns to Luna, who is settling Amelie back into her carrier.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I really am.”

Luna looks up for a moment and gives her a faint smile.

Then she nods. I don’t know if she accepts it.

“Go home,” my mum says gently.

I nod once and reach for Luna’s hand.

This time, she doesn’t pull away.

We leave together. Suddenly, the air feels easier to take in.