37. Don’t Blame Me
DON’T BLAME ME
PRESENT
When I exit the bathroom, Jase is nowhere to be found.
At least not that I can see. I had to take out my contact lenses before I showered, and my glasses are packed away somewhere with the belongings I left in my car.
Heading to the vanity, I wash my hands and put my contacts back in, finally getting a good look at myself in the mirror.
I haven’t seen myself with black hair since the third week into college. Back then, my skin had been ashen, dark circles plagued my under eyes, and my face appeared sunken in from still being so thin. Now?
I see my mother in my reflection. It’s not an exact match, but the resemblance is there nonetheless.
Having gotten some sun this summer, I share Mom’s complexion, and the contrast of my long black hair makes the bright blue of my eyes pop.
My cheekbones may still be prominent, but the weight I’ve put on has thankfully filled out my face so that the features no longer appear gaunt.
The hollowness and blood vessels around the eyes are nonexistent, and my lips are no longer pale, the color a healthy rose pink.
Even though Jase’s t-shirt swallows my body from the thighs up, some curves are still visible beneath the fabric. And despite not wearing a stitch of makeup, I can’t resist smiling.
Because I finally look like me .
Gently squeezing out the ends of my hair with a towel, I wick as much moisture from it as I can before retreating into the living space, where I find Jase lounging out on the balcony.
His back is to me, and I can see a beer bottle dangling from his fingertips as he watches the rainfall.
It comes down in a constant sheet, blanketing everything not covered from the elements.
Despite the rumble of thunder, the wind has calmed down, so he’s not at risk of getting wet where he sits beneath the floor of the balcony overhead.
With my contact lenses in, I can also see that he’s added something new to the space.
Jase had apparently gone out to find my car, because stacked up in the corner by the bed now rests a familiar set of luggage, my gym bag, and my precious stuffed penguin.
He also must have plugged my phone into the charger, because it continues mooing as the vibrations slowly spin the device in a lopsided circle atop the nightstand.
I’m relieved to see the number on the screen belongs to none other than my brother, but hearing his voice makes me grimace.
He’s either short of breath or been panicking a whole hell of a lot, because he practically pants out my name the second I answer, followed by the inevitable. “Ali? Oh, thank God! You scared the shit out of me. Are you okay?”
Derek scoffs at his own question before I have the chance to.
“Of course you’re not. What I meant is, are you safe?” he corrects. “I’m at the house right now. Do you need me to come and get you?”
“I’m fine, and no, I’m staying with a friend.”
“What happened?”
It’s my turn to scoff. “If you’re at the house, I’m sure the Stepmonster and Vanessa already told you their side of things.”
“They did,” he says simply, “but I don’t care about their side right now. I care about you and yours.”
I can’t help but smile at that, collapsing onto the end of the mattress. “Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”
The last thing I want to do is rehash the full extent of Trent and Sienna’s bullshit right now, so I keep things as simple as I can. When I’m done, a long, noisy sigh comes through the other end of the call.
“I knew things had to be bad when I went to your room and realized you left, but the second I saw you even took that stuffed penguin with you…Jesus.”
I chuckle, already hugging Swaddle to my chest. “You know, I don’t think I ever thanked you for him.”
There’s a long, awkward pause that forces me to pull my phone away from my ear to check if the call dropped. It didn’t.
“Derek? You still there?”
After another beat, he finally asks, “You’re talking about the penguin with the bandages around his head, right? The one you got during your stay at the hospital a few years ago?”
“…Yeah.” It sounds more like a question, but his tone doesn’t offer any clarity.
“I didn’t buy that for you,” Derek admits. “I just left you some chocolates. The last penguin I got was the one I found in Atlanta the previous summer. I figured Dad bought Swaddle.”
I laugh, but it sounds more like a snarl. “You’re kidding, right? The Stepmonster’s been trying to get me to throw away all my stuffed animals since I was eleven. You seriously think she’d let Dad buy another penguin for my collection?”
And then it hits me.
A certain someone’s reaction when he climbed through my window in the middle of the night and saw Swaddle sitting alone on my dresser.
He had been shocked to see I still had it.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Alley Cat,” my brother says, switching gears.
He’s trying to probe me for clues to find out where I am, and all I can do is smile.
“Can I call you later? There’s something I need to take care of.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
I look out onto the balcony. “I will be.”
Hanging up and shutting off the phone completely, that indescribable scent of the rain engulfs me as I pull open the glass door and step outside next to Jase.
The concrete flooring has seen better days, as has the metal railing in front of me, but the scenery is still a pleasant one.
The side street where the bar resides is far enough away from the main drag that it’s not a heavily trafficked area, and the rain ensures the people who would normally be out walking have taken shelter, leaving the street below empty, save for a few passing cars.
The only noise is the steady rhythm of the rain and the music filtering up from the bar.
“Hey, stranger.” Jase is all smiles, clearly appreciating his handiwork. Or maybe just appreciating me. Either way, he seems to like the new hair color.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were the one who bought him for me?” I ask, looking down at the stuffed animal in my arms. It’s not an accusation. Just a question.
Still, it makes that smile slip from his face, and he coughs to clear his throat despite there being nothing wrong with his voice a second ago. “Because you loved it. And when it was clear you thought it hadn’t come from me, I wasn’t about to ruin that.”
“But you came to visit me in the hospital?”
He nods. “Your parents told the staff that only family members were allowed to see you, so I had to sneak in. When I got to your room, you were asleep, and I didn’t know the extent of your injuries, so I didn’t want to risk waking you up.”
“You could have left this thing… What’s it called?” I tease, tapping my chin. “A note?”
This at least invites that grin to return.
“Yeah, well, I was more focused on what I planned to say to you than thinking about what would happen if I wasn’t allowed to see you at all.
Someone obviously spotted me, because I was in the room for less than a minute when guards were called to escort me out.
I was also warned if I tried it again, the police would get involved.
I did text you later, but I’m pretty sure I know how that went. ”
I know I should be angry. I know I should resent the person responsible for stealing this time from us, but I can’t help biting my bottom lip.
“So, I guess it’s safe to say that you kind of, sort of, maybe like me?” I tease, but he doesn’t share in my humor.
“No.” Placing Swaddle on the styrofoam cooler beside the chair, Jase grabs the hem of my shirt and reels me in. He opens his legs wider, inviting me to step between them, and pulls me down onto his right thigh. “I’m fucking obsessed .”
His touch lingers as he reaches up to tuck a strand of my newly black hair behind my ear, and the look he levels me with is so breathtakingly beautiful it almost hurts. Because I haven’t seen it in four years. Not since that night on the pier.
Given my current position and the size of his shirt on me, the wide collar leaves my shoulder exposed, allowing him to kiss bare skin. It’s so achingly soft, even as he moves his lips over my neck and up to my mouth. “Every last good thing in my life begins and ends with you, Birdie.”
I don’t hold back. I can’t.
Even as tears threaten to fall from my lashes, I smile.
Running my fingers through his hair, I push it back from his face. Feeling those blue-green eyes devour every inch of detail on me, it’s all too much and yet not enough.
My mere touch has him tensing under me, and I know that tether on his control is unraveling.
“I’ve missed you so fucking much.” His words come out in a rough exhale as I move against him, and when I go to stand, he grabs hold of my hips, as if terrified I’m about to run. As if what he’s confessed has scared me off.
Still smiling, I assure him otherwise, taking my new position.
The second I place my knee beside his hip, he visibly relaxes, but it does nothing for the grip of my hips.
As soon as my other knee comes to rest on his opposing side, Jase pulls me onto his lap.
Calloused palms work their way down to my ass, cupping it as he only presses me closer.
Hunger rages in his eyes, like he can’t get me close enough, like everywhere I’m not touching Jase causes him pain. His mouth proves as much.
I can’t resist teasing him, tugging on his bottom lip with my teeth, only to draw back when he tries to claim the kiss.
He damn near growls, releasing his grip on my ass. Jase dips one hand beneath the waistband of my underwear, and when his thumb finds my clit, I’m unable to bite back a moan. Not as he rubs it in small, tight circles.
It sends all my attention centering on the pressure he’s building there that I don’t have the mind to keep teasing him. He’s easily able to claim my lips, his tongue working in rhythm with his fingers.